On Saturday night I had the pleasure of heading down to Woodbridge, CT to watch the Connecticut Roller Girls take on the Boston Massacre in a double header. Boston is very highly ranked by the Women’s Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA), so it was expected that CT would need some serious umph to tip the score to their side. But if the Greeks could push back the mighty Persian Empire at the Battle of Salamis, then perhaps so too could the Connecticut girls hold back the crushing tide of Boston at the CT Sports Center.
The First Bout!
The first bout put the Boston B Party up against the Yankee Brutals. There were a few new faces on the track; let’s look at the teams.
The Boston B Party.
The Boston B Party skaters are the B team for Boston. They have a seemingly inexhaustible number of players, including captains Mona Mour and Killary Clinton both of whom have skated (and skated very well) as substitutes with Connecticut before. As the players were introduced, DJ E-Bomb pumped out the team’s theme song: You Gotta Fight for Your Right to Party.
Mona Mour #2/14
Killary Clinton #2008
Varga Bomber #B-17
Britknee Breaker #10-4
Bully Mia #2000 flushes
TaKillya N. Lime #42
Lil’ Paine #451Ëš
Xena Paradox (sum of 1/(2^n) where n = 1 -> infinity)
Jennasaurus Wrecks #R04R
Hayley Contagious #104ËšF
Lil’ Orphan Fannie #888
Trish Squish #18
Miss Mary Smack #3.2.1.
Ivanna Shankabitch #27
The Yankee Brutals
This was the first bout for Connecticut’s B team the Yankee Brutals. Though small in number, they put everything out there on the track. Lead by co-captains Flora Goodthyme and Paula G. Imnaughty, both of whom have shown notable versatility on the track, the skaters came rolling out in pink outfits to the sweet tunes of bagpipes as played by Connecticut’s Major N’ Fraction.
Flora Goodthyme #1-900
Paula G. Imnaughty #NC-17
Babe Vigoda #56
Guns N’ Bruises #2012
Murphy’s Outlaw #15
Rinko Starr #64
and visiting skaters from the Long Island Roller Rebels
Amaretto Sourpuss #214
Tailgunner Flo #152
Violet Knockout #4
Chest Blockwell #7
The bout began with an aggressive start for the ladies of Boston. Cheered on by their mascot (skater Anna Wrecks Ya wearing a huge tea bag costume) Lil’ Paine got the ball rolling with a fast grandslam against Paula G. Boston held on to their momentum despite losing a few key opportunities for lead jamming status, pulling in a whopping 39 points after the first five jams. CT did what it could to resist. Chest Blockwell was, unsurprisingly, blocking very well and aided Murphy’s Outlaw and Flora Goodthyme in narrowing the score a little bit in the first few minutes of the bout. There hard work was kept in check though by the remarkably consistent skating of Boston jammers Lil’ Paine, Killery Clinton, Haley Contagious and Mona Mour.
While the halftime score of 100 to 24 may have suggested otherwise, Connecticut certainly was not without life. Special kudos to Amaretto who showed great aggression and also Rinko who got a beautiful lead in the 12th jam off of an assist by Violet Knockout.
The second half proceeded much like the first. Interestingly, the teams were closely matched in regards to who was getting lead jammer status. Over the course of the bout, Boston only had 4 extra leading opportunities. It seemed the shortcoming of the girls in pink was not necessarily speed off the starting block as much as a difficulty in stopping their opponents once their wheels hit the track. I counted 12 grand slams (some had multiple laps in the same jam) for the Boston girls in the first half alone.
In particular, it was fun to watch Lil’ Paine and Killary jam. Their maneuverability was awesome! Both seemed to skate through the Connecticut pack with little resistance. At one point, I thought Killary had found a weakness in the inside edge of Connecticut’s defense, as she seemed to repeatedly skirt her way through around the corner, but then CT closed this inside gap and Killary found a new opportunity on the outside edge! It was an impressive example of mobility on skates. Also noteworthy, CT’s Rinko Starr secured another beautiful lead jammer status off of a great whip in the second half. Unfortunately, I didn’t note the number of the skater who performed the whip, but it was critical for Rinko’s advancement.
The bout ended with a Boston victory of 166 to 38.
Statistics from the first bout!
Lil’ Paine 65 points in 15 jams (10 lead)
Killary Clinton 51 points in 13 jams (6 lead)
Haley Contagious 28 points in 4 jams (2 lead)
Amaretto Sourpuss 21 points in 10 jams (5 lead)
Murphy’s Outlaw 8 points in 6 jams (3 lead)
Flora Goodthyme 4 points in 8 jams (4 lead)
Boston: Lil’ Paine
Yankee Brutals: Flora Goodthyme
The Second Bout!
The main event matched up CT’s Stepford Sabotage against the #5 in the Region, Boston Massacre. The girls warmed up in the intermission and then got down to business. Let’s look at the teams.
Boston came out in strong force with 14 women listed in the roster:
Anna Wrecks’ Ya #101
Pina Collidah #77
Mrs. Dash #360Ëš
Harlot Fevah #99
Harley Quinn #9669
Lois Carmen Dominator #011 (awesome name!)
Etta Maims #B-52
Maude Forbid #7:1
Pussy Venom #28
Maura Buse #34B (also, awesome name!)
Shellby Shattered # -0
Claire D. Way #1984
Kitty Twister #138 Captain
Krushpuppy #(843) Captain
These women looked forceful, but could Connecticut push back? CT’s Stepford Sabotage was coming in with slightly fewer skaters.
Black Cherry #C-4
Chelsea Grin #777
C. Mya Rage #86’d
Ether Bunny #222
Milla LowLife #40oz.
Miz ConSepJen #7
Parker Poison #3
Violet Riot #911
Luciana Pullverotti #110r
Pearl Jammer #GO Captain
The bout started with Pearl Jammer and Claire D. Way skating up to the starting line as jammers. It looked like both teams were putting their best jammer up first. Both Pearl and Claire started off with speed, but Claire’s pack support was a bit superior and she snagged a quick 4 points. Krushpuppy and Maura Buse continued Boston’s fast and furious drive with 8 more points and 4 more points respectively for the beantown girls. Things were looking dire for the hometown. Hope was lifted briefly for the girls in green when Black Cherry snagged lead jammer status in the third jam. The crowd cheered loudly as Cherry blew kisses to her fans, but to the crowd’s dismay the status was revoked when it was determined that the ref had awarded her lead jammer status erroneously.
As the officials figured out what went awry, DJ E-bomb kept the crowd amused with hilarious music. A few of the girls in the pack got their groove on, dancing to DJ E-Bomb’s tracks. Chelsea Grin’s dance moves in particular caught the attention of a Boston fan next to me, who said aloud: “I love 777.”
When the action resumed, Boston continued their relentless drive. Boston skater Lois Carmen Dominator (LCD) was doing a beautiful job blocking the Connecticut jammers. On numerous occasions she single handedly kept the CT jammer at bay. This freed up three Boston blockers and allowed them to focus on clearing a way for their jammer to pull points. By the end of the ninth jam, Boston was leading 71 to 0.
Finally, Pearl caught a break. Skating against Maura Buse, Pearl hit the track hard. As she skated through the pack two of the Boston blockers were sent to the penalty box. Pearl took advantage of the situation and earned the first 9 points for her team. Doom and Parker did a great job supporting Pearl’s drive, but it certainly wasn’t enough to slow the Boston Massacre. At the end of the first half, Pearl’s points were the only points scored for CT. It was 112 to 9.
The second half started off a bit better for CT. Chelsea grabbed lead jammer status and a single point in the third jam, and Black Cherry followed with 4 more. But… that was the end of Connecticut’s luck. Shortly thereafter Boston laid down the law and kept the Sabotage scoreless from there out. The Boston defense was just extraordinary. They were so skilled at slowing the CT skaters and yet still playing defense for their own team. It’s this dual role that makes roller derby particularly exciting for me. To switch from an offense to defense strategy on a dime must be extremely difficult.
Claire concluded the bout against black cherry, pulling 10 points right at the end. The underdogs just didn’t have it for this match up, but there will always be next time. Final score? 230 to 14.
Statistics for the second bout!!
Claire D. Way 101 points in 12 jams (10 lead) < - Wow. Krushpuppy 52 points in 5 jams (4 lead) Mrs. Dash 28 points in 5 jams (4 lead) Stepford Sabotage: Pearl Jammer 9 points in 10 jams (2 lead) Black Cherry 4 points in 4 jams (1 lead) Chelsea Grin 1 point in 2 jams (1 lead) MVPs! Boston: Anna Wrecks' Ya Connecticut: Chelsea Grin
Great job to all the players. It was an aggressive game and great to see CT challenged on such an intense level. In other exciting news, WFTDA announced the rankings for the regionals in North Carolina in September. CTRG got in at a #10 ranking!! Great job girls! Boston got in at #5.
If you’d like more information on Connecticut’s or Boston’s leagues check out their websites here: