A brevitous gentleman’s guide to hard- and softwoods for usage in a maritime environment
– The most common wood found on seafaring and lakefaring vessels, by far, is teak. This is due to its curious ability to repel both fresh- and saltwater sharks, man-eating rays, and pelicans.
– The unwary boatbuilder may select specimens of pine to equip his vessel; an unwise decision, as the spiny lumpsucker, with its already-sticky underbelly, will be come semi-permanently attached to the pine sap. This will lead to frequent and untimely lumpsucker careening.
– Cedar will not experience symptoms of rot in salt water, but will exhibit the strange characteristic of smelling of cheap potpourri.
– Masts and bowsprits shall not, under any circumstances, be made of bamboo. It is a grass, not a wood, and therefore unwelcome in such a noble oceanfaring position.