Star Wars Comparisons.

Last night, at hours far too late, I wrote up the Star Wars parallel that was requested by Shaun McQuaid. I have tried to parallel all my regular and semi-regular readers with a star wars character. Now, there aren’t quite enough female characters in the movie, so don’t be disappointed if you’re female and your parallel is either male, a monster, or a robot.

If I’ve left you out, just leave a comment and I’ll add you in.

Mike D: Luke. This is more because I feel I HAVE to be Luke what with being the main character of I am not Luke because I want to be. Luke’s lame.
JonAbad: R2-D2 would have been a cooler character had he been Mexican. This roll is also perfect for JonAbad because Jon is always magically appearing and saving the day. JonAbad and R2-D2 also both really enjoy baking.
Kurt: Mace Windo. If Kurt were a Jedi, he’d probably have a funky purple disco lightsaber with which he would kill snakes on planes.
Ben: Uncle Owen. Yes, he was killed by the empire, but rumor has it he could hold off a whole colony of Sandpeople with one blaster
Sander: Sandperson
TimBaird: Boba Fett. I can think of few people who would be able to better take advantage of a jetpack.
Patrick: Ewok Warrior. Ewoks are masters of the wilderness. Everything about Patrick SCREAMS ewok.

Roland: Wedge Antilles. He’s always there to lend a hand, and is great in combat and with a Frisbee.
Alicia: Amidala. Alicia is super fashionable, and it’s only right that this honor go to the Queen of Fashion herself.
Theresa: Sabé. Sabé was the handmaiden of Amidala that stood in for the Queen in dangerous situations. Theresa, being dangerous, is the only one for the job. Sabé was also played by Kiera Knightly. What? who knew!
My mom: Aunt Beru. She was a caregiver and preferred a nice cup of coffee over a space battle.
ShaunMcQuaid is the Force.
Jesse: TuanTaun. Do a web image search for TuanTaun. The resemblance is uncanny
Jesse’s mom: Battle Droid. This might seem out of place, but battle droids have amazing dental hygiene.

HC Alicia: Wampa. While the image might not seem right at first, the Tauntaun’s and Wampas are made for one another
Becky: Red Leader. Simply because of her stunning red hair.
Paul: Spiderman.
Tom: Grand Moff Tarkin. In addition to being the governer of the galactic empire, Tarkin, like Tom, is extremely talented at making blue cheese salad dressings. Also, read this.
Sander: Jabba the Hutt.
Mykal: Shmi Skywalker. Mykal may not know it, but she’s the mother of the soon to be leader of the jedi doomsquad
Aaron: Han Solo. Aaron got so boned with the superpower post (glowing elbows?) that I figured he deserved something more exciting for this round. Way to go Aaron!

Shamus: Admiral Ackbar. In addition to being the finest general of the rebellion, Ackbar, like Shamus, is known for the frontside 720’s he pulls in the snowy mountains of Hoth.
RyanSchenk: Biker Scout. Schenk would make a SICK biker scout.
Ruth: Darth Maul. When Ruth is angry, the universe is very afraid.
Jocelyn: Temple Guard. Dressed in stunning red, Jocelyn is in charge of only the most important job ever: protecting all that is evil.
Adam: All that is evil. Adam is the Emperor. Adam makes a lot of sense for this roll because Palpatine was an amateur meteorologist in high school before he began his quest to become the ultimate villain of the galaxy.
Walid: Wald. No lie. There’s a character in Star Wars by the name ‘Wald’.
Liz: Jawa. Liz, not unlike a Jawa, is an expert at bartering.

Sander: Jar Jar Binks.
Kate from Ohio: C-3PO. The O stands for Ohio.
Tyler: General Grievous. He is the only droid who could actually pull his weight in battle. Four lightsabers? Yes.
Bisol: Death Star Stormtrooper. He’s working hard for his family and this is the only job he could get given the economy these days. He’s hoping to at least be promoted to lieutenant some day. He’s tired of being last in line at the Death Star cafeteria.
Caitlin: Gold Leader was in charge of the whole Gold attack force… their drive was plagued to fail from the beginning. The empire came from behind.
JesAbad: The Torture Droid. you DO NOT want to be interrogated by Jes.
Marian: Sebulba. They say Pod Racing originated in England.

Mike G: Greedo. I can honestly see Mike G being a bounty hunter.
Pam C: The Planet Alderaan. Peaceful. Quiet. But she’ll explode if you insult her Volleyball.
Ian: Qui-gon Jinn. Ian was an indirect cause of the fall of the republic! but don’t worry Ian, the child of your student will make out with his sister… weird.
TedBreen: Yoda. Before yoda needed a cane, he could run 17 miles a day without a second thought.
JoeHavelick: Darth Tyranus. Tyranus is also known as Count Dooku. Heh heh.
Abby: Lando. No explanation needed.
James: Rancor. He may seem violent and angry on the outside, but he’s a teddie bear once you get to know him.

Annie Olives: Jango Fett and the parent of the entire clone force. Annie, like TimBaird, has a jet pack.
JesSaint: The Millenium Falcon. Jes is Fast. VERY fast.
UUIG: The people have spoken. UUIG is Leia.
Anita Clue: Darth Vader. Anita is unforgiving and able to throw small children across a room simply by waving her hand.
Sander: Chewbacca’s hairy sister
Devin: Obi Wan. He hid from the empire and became a recluse. He’s also a great rock climber
Irene: The Second Death Star. Don’t make the mistake of underestimating Irene. She’s fully operational and will ruin you.
Eric Pope: Red Six. He had a problem. He tried to hold it. Biggs told him to pull up… It was tragic.
Ed: Senator Organa has a goatee. Ed has… or at one point had… a goatee.
Ed #2: The Head of the Spare Parts devision for Death Star Inc. He was SO good at his job that the empire ordered a whole new STAR in episode VI.

34 thoughts on “Star Wars Comparisons.

  • 11/16/2006 at 11:30 am

    I’m glad Sander has been named all the annoying characters throughout the films.

    “Hand me my lightsaber….Its the one the says Bad Mother F*@#er.”

  • 11/16/2006 at 12:24 pm

    Ewok! Yesssssss.

    And there’s an interaction between Leia and an Ewok. It goes something like this:

    A strange little furry face with huge black eyes comes slowly into
    view. The creature is an EWOK, by the name of WICKET. He seems somewhat
    puzzled, and prods Leia with a spear. The princess groans; this
    frightens the stubby ball of fuzz and he prods her again. Leia sits up
    and stares at the three-foot-high Ewok. She tries to figure out where
    she is and what has happened. Her clothes are torn; she’s bruised and

    The Ewok jumps up and grabs a four-foot-long spear, which he holds in a
    defensive position. Leia watches him as he circles warily and begins
    poking her with the sharp point of the spear.

    LEIA: “Cut it out!”


    Also, if UUIG wanted to join the orienteering club in Spokane where she goes to school, she would be joining EWOC (Eastern Washington Orienteering Club).

  • 11/16/2006 at 1:25 pm

    I’m at work and showing a few people pictures from my website.

    Navy guy #1: “wow, you have your own website, that’s neat.”
    Me: “yes, a number of my friends have them and it’s a great way for us to stay in contact since we no longer live in the same city.”
    Navy guy #2: “that’s kind of nerdy, why don’t you guys use myspace?”
    Me: “No, it’s not nerdy at all! Here look at someone else’s site!”
    –I come to this page–
    Me: “okay, actually, we’re total nerds.”

  • 11/16/2006 at 1:37 pm

    so wait… is the liz on that list me or another liz?

  • 11/16/2006 at 1:43 pm

    that’s you alright. I know that bartering may not be your forte, but I needed a Jawa… and Jawas are kind of short… and you’re kind of short. Instead of pointing that out, I figured I’d give you some faux props for mad bartering skills.

  • 11/16/2006 at 1:44 pm

    ooooh… today was not the day for this conversation. I set a new high for Geekdom today.

  • 11/16/2006 at 2:05 pm


    Patrick: Ewok Warrior.

  • 11/16/2006 at 2:22 pm

    i can barter!!! just not with you

  • 11/16/2006 at 2:24 pm

    Great. I’m the fastest hunk o’ junk in the galaxy. Whatever that means. Nice to know there’s another redhead around. I’m used to being outnumbered.

  • 11/16/2006 at 2:57 pm

    Boba Fett?! Boba Fett?! WHERE?


    I’m proud and honored to bestow this hypothetical title.

  • 11/16/2006 at 3:20 pm

    to BE bestowed with this title. Thats what you meant to say. you aren’t bestowing the title timmy.

  • 11/16/2006 at 3:24 pm

    So wait…why am I with a little fuzzy ewok instead of Luke?? Especially one who keeps prodding me with a spear! Hmmm….

  • 11/16/2006 at 3:32 pm

    Dear EVERYONE,

    No one is allowed to remind UUIG that Luke is technically Leia’s brother. Either way, incest probably beats hanging out with a Furry.

    Mike D.

  • 11/16/2006 at 3:49 pm

    Hmm, seems like you win, Mike D.

    “So wait…why am I with a little fuzzy ewok instead of Luke??”

    Of course UUIG knows that Luke and Leia are siblings… you have to read in between the lines. Let’s go all algebra style…

    Luke = Mike D
    Ewok = Patrick

    “So wait…why am I with [Patrick] instead of [Mike D]??”

    I guess I’ll go and get started with the breakup paperwork. While I’m out picking up forms, Mike D, I’ll save you some trouble. I’ll snag the girlfriend title transfer papers, too. What are friends for, right?

  • 11/16/2006 at 4:25 pm

    I figured that of all people on this site, you’d correct me on my quoting the movie. Or you’d bust out with some line like “my backpack’s got jets” or something.

    But no, you correct my grammar.

    If you find a thermal detonator in your mailbox tomorrow, you’ll understand my feelings for you.

  • 11/16/2006 at 4:46 pm

    Patrick, you’re going to succumb so easily? No fight whatsoever? I’m disappointed….

  • 11/16/2006 at 5:15 pm

    I’m happy with my character choice.

    Most of the time people just pretend to understand what I’m saying and I can talk to computers and get them to do my bidding.

    also, i fly.

  • 11/16/2006 at 5:15 pm

    If we’re going Star Wars style…
    By fighting, I’m fighting your brother. You want me to fight your brother? And besides, I’m an Ewok. All I can do is throw rocks and spears. And I’m up against Luke flippin’ Skywalker!

    If we’re going in real-like Mike D. vs. Patrick…
    a) Mike D knows kung-fu
    b) Mike D owns a blow gun (I am not making this up)

    This means that Mike D has 5 deadly weapons at his disposal (2 arms, 2 legs, and a mouth). The only way I have a shot is if I’m equipped with a bag of marshmellows.

  • 11/16/2006 at 6:54 pm

    1. Kurt corrects Timmy’s grammar: SNAP. Timmy even support groups for shame victims would laugh at you. I suggest your new hobby becomes never leaving the house.
    2. Without having to look it up (another proud day for me and my family), I almost died laughing when I read Jesse’s, because this IS uncanny.
    Between that and the zeppelin reference, if Jesse gets burned any more, he won’t look the same even if they grafted all the skin from his enormous ass.

  • 11/16/2006 at 7:36 pm

    The only way I have a shot is if I’m equipped with a bag of marshmellows


  • 11/16/2006 at 7:43 pm

    Don’t underestimate yourself – rocks and spears (and boulders and swinging log traps) took down many a Stormtrooper and AT-ST on Endor.

  • 11/16/2006 at 9:00 pm

    It took multiple Ewoks to set up the boulders and log traps, not just one.

    And, the competition were mostly storm troopers, (and storm troopers driving AT-ST). Those guys are cream-puffs. Nothing like a Jedi master dude.

    Are you saying that an Ewok can take down a Jedi?

  • 11/16/2006 at 9:38 pm

    Niiiiiiice, you totally compared me to my favorite Star wars character!!!

  • 11/16/2006 at 10:07 pm

    I don’t understand my comparison to the ill-fated Gold Leader…but thanks insinuating that anything I attempt will be shot down…from behind.

  • 11/16/2006 at 10:13 pm

    Ha ha! actually, there is no comparison. There are a few people on the list who got the shaft because I couldn’t think of any clever comparison. So I went down my list of Star Wars characters and chose one at random and just told about the story of the character. You got Gold Leader.

    Looking back, that particular comparison sure does seem crappy! No offense intended!

  • 11/17/2006 at 12:13 am

    Dearest Fatty (read: Sander),
    I do not live in a house. I live in an apartment. Secondly, I’m rarely in said dwelling, so, it would be hard to not leave it when I’m never in it initially.

    Boba Fett

  • 11/17/2006 at 9:23 am

    Roland, we totally hit the jackpot in this one. Wedge and Han Solo are basically the only two badasses who don’t use light-sabers or jet-packs.

  • 11/17/2006 at 9:28 am

    Han Solo. Yes. I’ll take it for multiple reasons:
    1. Han is a great name.
    2. He shot Greedo (badass).
    3. He makes out with Leia, and eventually sires her children (extended universe canon).
    4. Bears a striking resemblance to Indiana Jones, Rick Dekard, Jack Ryan, and The President of the United States (all badasses).
    5. Is best friends with a wookie.

  • 11/17/2006 at 10:05 am

    This was an obvious choice.

    Seriously though, spiderman is practically a jedi anyway. his spider sense and super strength and dexterity could surely compete with the likes of Jedi. I’m sure he could take out Qui-gon. Obi-wan… maybe.

  • 11/17/2006 at 10:32 am

    Sander: Jabba the Hutt.

    Look at the size of that thing!

  • 11/17/2006 at 11:16 am

    Yes, it’s true. I do bind the galaxy together.

  • 11/17/2006 at 5:57 pm

    Well, you know what they say – hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.

  • 11/20/2006 at 11:38 am

    You better watch out Shaun….I may RIP IT!!!!!!!


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