Why have you abandoned us?!
Well Ben, there comes a time in every man’s life when he is faced with a choice; stand up for what is right, or snivel in the shadows.
What happened is this: For a time, I inhabited a parallel universe, much like the Mirror Universe from Star Trek. If you recall your Trek correctly, in the Mirror Universe, good people were, in fact, evil. The Mirror Mr. Spock had (gasp) a mustache, which we all know is a sure indicator of Evil intent.
I was sucked into the parallel universe by the incantation of a powerful yet frail wizard, who was looking for a champion who could defeat the Evil Overlord and bring peace and tranquility to the Mirror Universe. I was chosen because I had actually lived with the Evil Overlord on this side of the universal barrier.
In fact, the Evil Overlord was none other than Paul!
You could tell he was Evil by the fact that he had a mustache.
In any case, I spent some time training with the lightsaber, which is the weapon of choice for the Mirror Universe. I allowed my hair to grow long, as all Champions do. Finally, on a cold winter day, I received word that the Evil Overlord was touring the coast, and would be relatively unprotected. I seized the opportunity and traveled to the beach.
After lying concealed in the dunes for several hours, I beheld the arrival of the Evil Overlord in a crackle of potent magics. He came alone, which was somewhat surprising. (I found out later that no one was willing to accompany him since he had just consumed several Chalupas and was exuding the essence of Chalupa (the Mirror Mike D LOVED Chalupas more than any food, and couldn’t climb a tree to save his life, by the way).
Somehow, the Evil Overlord was aware of my presence and summoned me out to do battle. Which I did. It was a roaring battle, let me tell you. Armed with my lightsaber, I attacked Paul the Evil Overlord with all my might, but it was impossible to break through his guard. Finally, I feinted left and pretended to trip. The Evil Overlord launched a lightning attack from his hand in an attempt to finish me off, but I was ready with my shield and blocked the attack, following up with a blow from my lightsaber (which he blocked, barely). With the Evil Overlord off-balance, I was able to break through his guard and lop the mustache off of his face.
It turned out that the mustache was in fact an Evil Parasite that was controlling the Evil Overlord, and once removed, he was no longer Evil. In fact, he stepped down from power voluntarily and supported the popular candidate for ruler (who I never met, but had heard rumors of – his name was Steiner).
I had little time to celebrate – my victory removed the need for me to remain in the Mirror Universe, and I was sucked back to this one.
So that’s where I was, Ben. Hope you can understand my absence a little better now. I’ve included a picture of the Final Battle below.