Category: KungFu

DISCLAIMER: Mom, don’t read this post.

It was a tough night at Kung Fu.

Yes, I learned a lot and my body was hardened more to pain, but at the moment the swelling is angular. Imagine embedding a doorstop under your skin. That’s what my swollen thigh looks like. Not a huge doorstop like the kind you had in middle school shop class, just a normal one.

I don’t know why the swelling is angular, perhaps that’s just how my body reacts after getting two swift and brutal roundhouse kicks to the upper thigh. The pain has been pretty consistent for the past three hours. I downed some drugs and currently have a bag of frozen raspberries strapped to my leg; hopefully, I’ll be able to get to bed soon.

The two kicks were very well placed. In fact, I dare say they hit the exact same spot. Also, they weren’t like “heeey, here’s a kick… ::Tap::” No. this is the kind of kick that, second time around, literally knocked me off my feet. I crumbled to the ground like a sleeping bag full of mashed potatoes.

Ben, the opponent with legs like railroad cars, is one of the most advanced fighters at our academy. We’re training him for a big competition coming up in Florida and by ‘training’ I mean that we stand up against him trying to buy time with jabs and crosses to limit the number of times he’ll come sweeping in with a combo that ends with you lying prone and helpless while you mentally ping your limbs to see if you get a response.

I like fighting Ben. It’s easy to learn a lot when your opponent has alarming control over his body. Yes, you will get hit. and you will get hit hard, but it’s worth it. If I can someday be as good a fighter as Ben, I will have succeeded with my Martial Arts. Just these last few weeks of training with him has greatly improved my skills. I’m getting faster and more aggressive. My strikes are packing more punch and I think… I hope I’ll get to the point where I too will be a force to be reckoned with.

Until then, I would advise all of you to invest in frozen raspberries.

I’m learning a new form at Kung Fu: the Five Animal form.

Throughout the form, we Kung Fu-ists imitate five different animals in the midst of our flurry of attacks. Your job… is to guess which animals we imitate. I was going to give you a list of animals to choose from, but I think it’d be far more entertaining to just let you have at it.

Good luck. (also: don’t cheat)

Last night at Kung Fu I learned a new move called “Promoting the General”

NOTE: do not actually try these moves without proper instruction. The following steps are more for general explanation than as a ‘how to’ for pain application.

That said, check it out:

The Quintessential Bad guy grabs your left wrist with his right hand. He’s been taunting you all night and you’re nervous.

Step 1: Spread your hand apart and turn it upward so that his wrist lies in the little valley between your thumb and your fingers

Just like this…

Step 2: Take your right hand and clamp it down on his right hand. Don’t let him remove his hand from your wrist.

Step 3: Here’s the tricky part. You twist your hands over and step behind the person. As you twist their hand upwards, they will naturally fall onto their knees

Step 4: Take your left elbow, and push downwards on their arm. Surprisingly little force is needed to force them into submission.

Using our patented MSPaint Invisi-cam, you can see what’s happening to the person’s arm here:

And there we have it!! It’s extremely effective, and if you need some extra insurance, by dropping to one knee yourself, you can push your opponent’s face directly into the ground. Yay!!

Kung Fu Roland followed through and sent over a few pictures of his injuries.

Disclaimer: neither of the following pictures is absurdly nasty, but you are looking at an injured Roland and some of his splattered blood. So if you’re not comfortable with that, don’t open the pictures.

This first picture is of Roland with a nasty black eye he received from a kick that trended upward and hit him in the face. (the angry face was simple for effect… in actuality Roland’s a very nice guy).

This second picture is of his bloody uniform after getting punched in the face with a cross on Tuesday.

Thanks for the pictures Roland! Also, a formal congratulations on your brown belt promotion!