Shaun McQuaid says:
Let’s play a game. It’s called “wish corruption”. It goes something like this…
I make a wish. For example:
“I wish I had fries with my lunch.”
The next person grants the wish, but corrupts it.
“Granted, but the fries are 2 weeks old.”
I think this could easily break the highest comment count, if we do it right…
I’ll start.
I wish I had a laser beam mounted on my car.
Laser Beam. Granted.
It’s actually just a stop & shop checkout scanner though. And it’s mounted with duct tape.
WISH:
I wish I could shoot giant fireballs from my palms.
*nose wiggle* Wish granted.
However, it is giant candy fireballs that shoot from your palms.
WISH:
I wish I had a jacuzzi in my apartment.
Granted! Although it comes with Ron Jeremy inside it.
WISH: I could get rid of the giant dent in my car caused by falling snow.
Granted. But the mechanics are Ian and Sander.
Wish:
I wish that it was May so that FIRST would be over already.
Granted. However, it’s May in the year 3051. Monkeys have taken over the earth and rule over humans with an iron fist.
Wish: I wish that I won the Powerball lotto.
Granted.
Unfortunately shared winners results in powerball winnings of a mere four cents.
Of which 0.02 has to be mailed to the government as taxes on the winnings. Postage costs 39 cents. And… just like that you’re 37 cents in the red.
WISH: That I could freeze time so that I could be well rested every night.
giant candy fireballs? well…. it’s not quite what I had been hoping for. But I suppose I could make it work.
Candy Fireballs for Everybody!
Granted. But you can’t unfreeze time.
I wish I had freshly-baked, tasty chocolate chip cookies in my cubicle right now.
*nose wiggle* Granted.
Then a squirrel comes into your cubicle and eats them all.
I wish I could hear other people’s thoughts.
Granted. You are driven insane by hearing everyone in the world’s thoughts all at once.
I wish I was impervious to disease.
Granted. But now you have to wear one of those jumpsuits like in Outbreak all the time. Looks like you’re never having kids, if y’know what I mean.
I wish that I had a mental lie detector.
Granted. Sadly, your mental lie detector does not detect verbal lies, only mental ones.
I wish that I had a rad bike.
Granted. You get a nice new bike, but it is “rad” – it emits thousands of rads, dosing the rider with a fatal dose of gamma radiation.
I wish my car repairs cost me nothing.
Granted, but you’ll never get the stains or the smell out of the trunk.
I wish that I could be invisible for a day.
Blam! You’re invisible for a day.
Unfortunately that day is going to occur long after you’re dead, and I doubt the worms will think much of it.
I wish that I was above the law.
Granted. You now hover approximately an inch over the Constitution at all times, unable to move yourself from the Library of Congress.
I wish I had the NES game “BattleToads”.
Granted. but no mater how much you blow on it, jimmy it around, or press the reset button you can’t get it to play.
I wish I was independently wealthy
Done and Done, Too bad your serving a life sentence for dealing drugs to Kindergarten Kids.
I wish I was ambidextrous.
Kazaam!
You’re ambidextrous. Unfortunately, in the process your hands have been relocated, and are now next to your ears.
I wish I had big metal claws like Wolverine.
Granted. Unfortunately unlike Wolverine, you do not have super human regeneration, and the first time you unleash your claws, you die from excessive bloodloss.
I wish mike d would do things even more retarded than what he did in the video posted today.
Poof! You have big metal claws. Unfortunately, you do not have control of their retraction/extension. After seriously maiming many people, you earn yourself a life sentence in prison.
I wish my family lived in the same state, but not in the same town.
Shamus: granted.
Mike D. does extremely stupid things. But stops recording video, so the world is never in the know.
Aaron: granted.
Both you and your family have moved so that you’re sharing a duplex that sits on the border between two towns. The walls are thin. Your parents disapprove of everything you do. You go to the bottle to make yourself feel better. Your addiction leads to financial instability, your wife leaves you, and you crash your rad bike as you try to drunkenly jump a curb. Your life is in ruins.
WISH:
I wish I had a spaceship.
Its Yours MikeD! It comes with with all options! 6 cupholders, Hot Tub, rock n roll room, Space Dojo, and a journey Album Supression Field.
I wish that I worked in a job that I truly truly loved.
Journey Album Suppression?!?!?!?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Granted. You absolutely love your job, so much that you can’t bring yourself to leave it, even though they charge you thousands a month for the privilege of working there instead of paying you.
I wish I had a coupon that let me get free fajitas from any restaurant that served them on the menu.
Today must be your lucky day Shaun! You found a coupon for free fajitas from Any restaraunt that serves them. Fast Forward 2 months…Your cholestorol is through the roof and you’ve put on 500 pounds, getting you close to that dreaded “Sander Weight”, after eating 100 Fajitas a day.
I wish I could talk to animals.
Granted. You can talk to animals. However, no animals will listen to you.
I wish my typing was both incredibly accurate and incredibly speedy.
Magically, your typing is both incredibly accurate and speedy. Sadly, your typing exhibits these qualities only in Esperanto on a Dvorak keyboard.
I wish I got free postage.
The postal service has selected you for their Free Postage for life contest! Unfortunately you don’t have any friends to mail things to…
I wish there was a food that was as tasty as baked beans but as healthy as wheat germ.
Granted! But that food is actually a living cockroach. Can you get over the fear factor?
I wish that I had EVERY day off and that because of my large amount of free time, I could finally write a book, scrapbook my life, go to the gym everyday, and be stress free….
Your wishes have been fulfilled!
You write a book, and are sued over its content by angry right-wing conservative mothers, and you now live in a refrigerator box. Your scrapbook came out great, but due to a glue mixup your fingers are now all permanently cemented together. You go to the gym every day, but since you have no money and they see your uni-hands as a safety risk when handling heavy weights, you’re not allowed inside. You’re completely stress-free, despite the fact that due to eating out of dumpsters every day has riddled you with dysentery.
I wish that I could play the piano.
Your wish is granted!
With you not calling into work when you weren’t coming in, they fired you so now you have EVERY day off. With the lack of income you can’t afford to write a book, so you take scraps and write a sign you sit in front of the gym collecting change from the goodness of strangers all while being stressfree.
I wish I could play a musical instrument.
Slight side note…I’m slightly sickened that sander and I have come to this very similar conclusion to corrupt this wish…and even more sickened by the fact that we both came up with rediculously close wishes….
Excuse me while I go puke.
Congratulations! You (both) can play the piano. However, your repertoire is limited to Celine Dion songs. You can play Elton John too, but only backwards.
I wish I never had to shave again.
1. Right. You’re sickened.
2. They weren’t so similar, really. Poverty was the obvious conclusion.
3. I think you just copied my wish.
4. According to this website, you wear size 500 pants.
that last one is fairly irrelevant, but still halarious
Congratulations! Now that you’re a mole rat, you don’t have to shave ever again.
I wish I had the power to smack people over the phone.
Granted. You can smack people through the phone lines. How violent of you! However, the power of the smack decreases exponentially with distance, and anyone beyond arms-length can’t feel the feather-light smacks.
I wish I was excellent at bowling.
It’s funny that you mention this, because earlier today I changed that link to “Kurt wears size 250 jeans” because of his recent weight loss.
You’re so good at making bowls, in fact, that an unscrupulous sweatshop owner gets wind, kindnaps you, and replaces his entire workforce with just one smcquaid bowl-o-matic and you spend the rest of your days at the pottery wheel.
I wish I was invicible
Congratulations! You are now invincible and will be the only human to survive the comet impact next week. You will live out eternity in a desolate wasteland until the universe collapses in on itself in 50 billion years.
I wish I could fly.
Hey, neat! You can fly! Too bad you can’t land, and you starve to death in the skies, forever circling as an emaciated corpse.
I wish I had today off.
Way to go! You have today off. But you are rediculously sick. No Atari for you!
I wish Firefly was still on TV.
Much like that Star Trek series starring Scott Bakula, Firefly is put back in production and is picked up by the Sci Fi network. However, the change of writing staff to old “Blossom” scribes and the introduction of Jenna Von Oy to the cast drastically change the feel of the show. Now it is a little less space-western, and a lot more “teenage girl, her family, and the struggles of growing up in a single-parent household with a wise-cracking grandfather and former drug-addict older brother, while learning life lessons” show.
I wish that it were daylight savings time all the time.
Congratulations! It’s DST all the time! You had to update your computer though, to patch the date parsers, and now it won’t boot. (True story.) Not that it matters, the increased electrical consumption by all those air conditioners in Southern and Desert climates to compensate for the increased daylight means unpredictable but frequent blackouts.
I wish I had my own key lime tree
Daylight savings occurs all the time now. We subtract an hour from the time once every second. Before the next 3 days is up, you’re a merely a newborn, and no longer legally allowed to drive or vote or go to R-rated movies. You’re soon killed by a mob of angry former teenagers.
I wish that drinking fountains had a secondary nozzle that dispensed beer.
Congratulations! Unfortunately, all that beer is horribly, horribly skunked. And because you posted an out-of-band-comment and didn’t reply to mine, do you know where that beer dispensing nozzle goes? That’s right. Beer enema.
I wish I had a really fancy pen.
There you go! your very own key lime tree…One problem…It also came with a rabid wolverine living at the base….Good luck getting those tasty tasty treats!
I wish that there was a food item that sander wouldn’t eat.
Look in your pocket protector Ryan! Is that pen fancy enough for you? You know what makes it fancy? It kicks out an awesome scent similar to a skunks stench combined with raw sewage. Fancy!
I wish someone would invent a hovercar.
Dude! Bill Gates invented a hovercar! But then he heavily patented it, and refuses to produce it commercially, or ever allow anybody else to do so. He won’t even give you a ride.
I wish that instead of a bunch of teeth I just had one long, curvy tooth. You know, so I wouldn’t have to floss.
Although your long tooth allows you to play a mean guitar solo a-la Jimi Hendrix, you decided to get all gangsta and get a grill. The problem? Those 8lbs of gold and diamonds added to the front of your head gives you severe neck strain, and you are unable to hold your head upright!
I wish I had a jet-powered skateboard
(PS. Kurt, Bill Gates’s hovercar has a maximum carrying capacity of 600lbs, so you couldn’t ride in one even if you wanted to!)