Shaun McQuaid says:
Let’s play a game. It’s called “wish corruption”. It goes something like this…
I make a wish. For example:
“I wish I had fries with my lunch.”
The next person grants the wish, but corrupts it.
“Granted, but the fries are 2 weeks old.”
I think this could easily break the highest comment count, if we do it right…
I’ll start.
I wish I had a laser beam mounted on my car.
Doesn’t anyone read the comments? I totally lost weight! I’m down to a size 250 Jeans!
Oh yeah…someone had a wish around here….Jet powered Skateboard I think it was? There ya go! Its a shame it doesn’t have wheels.
I wish I went to Hogwarts!
You did go to Hogwarts, but they found out you were a muggle. So they made you the night janitor, and cast a spell so that the toilets are always dirty, and one of the ghosts always throws up in the cafeteria.
I wish I had super fast reflexes
You have super fast reflexes! A fly lands on your nose, you smash it so quickly you snap your own neck, rendering you paralyzed from the waist down.
I wish I had my own tropical paradise.
You do own your own tropical paradise. Sadly, your vampirism makes exposure to sunlight fatal. A pity.
I wish I had mad yo-yo skills.
You are known as Mad Dog Aaron in the world of Competitive Yo-Yo skills. You are known as Patient#3487AG56 in the Insane Asylum where you live.
I wish i could have dinner with the President of the United States of America.
Granted! However, you arrive to the White House and are seated at the dinner table…. only to find that the meal being served is “Roast GWB.”
Mmmmm….. dinner with the president!
I wish that my glasses would be fixed by tomorrow.
I know this great optometrist…He can take care of your glasses tomorrow. Too bad once you put them on he changed your prescription.
I wish I had tickets to a taping of Late Night with David Letterman.
You have tickets! And a horrible freak snowstorm shuts down all transportation, both public and private. You can’t get to the show, and the tickets sit unused on your kitchen table.
I wish comments would nest below this level.
They Do!!! too bad you can’t view them unless you run Windows Vista Ultimate Edition.
I wish I was a Blue Man.
Congratulations! You are a Blue Man. Unfortunately for you, BluBlocker sunglasses come back in style with a vengeance.
I wish I could sing opera
Ryan is suddenly graced with the most beautiful voice on earth and can sing opera like none other… at the same moment the rest of the world goes deaf. Also… Ryan got really ugly. And… he’s deaf too.
I wish Cinnamon Toast Crunch was just as tasty, but considerably more healthful.
Granted! Cinnamon Toast Crunch is so healthy that it will actually cure cancer. Unfortunately, Wendell keeps it all for himself.
I wish I was Jack Bauer on 24
Granted! But now you live inside your television.
I wish the series “Lost” would have a new AWESOME episode EVERY DAY and that I would have time to fully enjoy each show.
Granted, you are Jack Bauer… but you’re not allowed to use the restroom for 24 hours and you die.
I wish ‘The Final Countdown’ played any time I had to do something difficult like a personal soundtrack that everyone around me could hear.
However, your play of Europe’s classic tune is unlicensed, and you are sued for everything you’re worth by the RIAA, and hated by thousands of European, blonde-mulleted men. (Yes, The Final Count Down was released on the American label Sony/Epic, thank you very much.)
I wish I had an extensive machine shop at my house.
Hey Schenk. Bummer that that sweet machine shop at your house is owned and operated by an international machining firm that won’t allow you access to its highly advanced wicked awesome equipment. Also, bummer that they work 24/7 and keep you up late at night with the sounds of shear cutters and lathes in operation.
By the way, I wish that I had a glass of orange juice right now that I could drink and satisfy my parched throat.
Fresh squeezed orange juice has just arrived at your desk… pity that it was freshly squeezed by sander’s giant ass.
I wish I could go home from work right now.
wish granted! Only you go to the parking lot to find that your car won’t start. You also find that your cellphone battery is dead and everyone else is gone from the building, which is locked and closed for floor maintanence. You see a public phone in the distance and walk all the way to it to find that it only takes quarters and all you have is a nickel.
I wish I had studied for my midterm this morning.
You are home. And so are your new upstairs neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Velociraptor. Ooooh, and it sounds like they’re having a domestic dispute!
I wish I never needed to eat again.
You did study. You studied so hard, in fact, that you lost track of time, and studied right through the exam!
I wish I had a pair of brass knuckles.
You studied for hours for your midterm… you do great, only to find out later that doing well on it had absolutely no bearing on anything and your time would have been better spent doing practically anything.
I wish I had a friendly pet velociraptor
Unfortunately, the vet didn’t really know how to neuter him. So when company comes over, he’s a little TOO friendly!!
I wish I was really good at card tricks
You’re fabulous at card tricks, but your only audience is one of professional magicians, who remain unimpressed.
I wish I collected Fiestaware.
You have invested a tremendous amount of money and have one of the world’s largest fiestaware collections. It really is a shame that it wasn’t insured, especially since that freak earthquake tore your storage space apart.
I wish I were 10 again.
You’re 10 again! Unfortunately you forget everything you’ve learnt since being 10, and so in the process of travelling back in time you caused an inifite loop in the universe. Every time it reaches the 2nd of March 2007 again, you will again wish to be 10, thus rewinding the universe again, and again, and again… The only way to stop the loop is cut the power to the universe and reboot.
I wish I was a real ninja.
And with that, Roland becomes a real Kawasaki Ninja.
I wish Natalie Portman read my website.
When doing some rudimentary Britney Gallivan related research, Miss Portman stumbles upon your website! She finds it depressingly banal, loses all hope for humanity, and takes a vow of solitude, never to appear on film or television again.
I wish it weren’t raining.
It’s stops raining!
The weather changes to a bright, warmy sunny day. So warm, in fact, that all skin melts off our bodies. Procreation is impossibly painful and disgusting, and in 75 years the world population is down to you a hanful of really old skinless people who’ve found some shelter in Antarctica, who spend their time teaching penguins to peck your eyes out while you sleep.
I wish I could jump 10 times my body height (and land just as easily).
The first time House of Pain’s “Jump Around” comes on the radio, you get so excited, you break your neck on impact with the ceiling and you are paralyzed from the waist down.
I wish I had superawesome vision, and could zoom in on things like a telephoto lense
Granted. Your vision is adapted to be super powerful and you can zoom in on anything you want with your telephoto-lens-like vision. You use this power to look really close up at the wood grain of a nearby table.
Sadly, you can’t zoom out – ever again.
I wish I had a snowblower.
SMcQuaid, not only do you have a snowblower, you have THIS snowblower! Unfortunately, all those hyrdocarbons being belched out of those 8 headers have a significant impact on global warming, and you never really get a chance to use it.
I wish I had my own personal Moe’s franchise that would follow me around
You now have your own personal Moe’s franchise! Unfortunately you now must hear ‘Welcome to Moes!’ every time you walk through a door… for the rest of your life.
I wish I had a doggie.
JonAbad turns into a doggie. You take possession of him, but he’s extremely bitter. Every night he takes a dump in your bed. He also refuses to eat anything that isn’t made to order.
I wish women found me irresistible.
Women find you irresistible! ALL women find you irresistible. You now cannot be in the same room as any woman without her jumping on you and tearing you clothes off. ANY woman. I could elaborate but hopefully you get the idea.
I wish I didn’t have to get up really early tomorrow morning.
The idea of Jon Abad as an extremely bitter dog just kills me. Would he be a chihuahua?
Granted. You don’t have to get up really early tomorrow morning. You are dead.
I wish I had healing powers.
of course.
You can now heal warts. But only by licking them. A huge line of elderly people has formed outside your house crying.. begging for your help.
I wish I could bestow happiness upon others.
Granted! You can bestow happiness on others. But only by licking them. No one believes in you happiness-granting abilities. This makes you sad. So you lick yourself. You are happy! In fact you are addicted. You spend the rest of the month constantly licking yourself, neglecting your body’s needs, until you die of starvation.
I wish I was a powerful wizard.
Granted. You are Albus Dumbledore. However, we’re already past page 596.
I wish I could teleport a la The Tomorrow People.
Granted. you are teleported to 1989 and stuck listening to Ziggy Marley’s Tomorrow People (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conscious_Party)
I wish Boston roads were well designed.
And like that… poof! Boston Roads remain exactly the same. Every other road in the world however, gets 400 times more convoluted.
I wish:
I could quit my job tomorrow and move to San Diego, California where I could live off vast riches won in the lottery; I would live in peace and tranquil freedom. My physical and mental states would remain the same. I would be in full health, as would my family and friends. I would wake up in the morning to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and my tuned guitar would await me by the unlocked terrace of the mansion in which I lived. I could play the guitar if I wanted to. Each afternoon I would be provided the option of a ride into the mountains where I could rock climb to my hearts delight if I wanted to. My friends and family would remain my friends and family and would be regularly invited to visit. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner would be cooked for me by famous chefs. The dinners would be delicious and I would eat them everyday and enjoy them. This would continue until I was 105 years old at which point I would die in my sleep, happy, after splitting my riches between my kind family and the poor. The world would otherwise stay the same; There would be no journey suppression and JonAbad would not turn into a Dog.
Good luck.
Granted. However immediately after dying you plunge into Hell where you are tortured with severe physical and emotional pain for all eternity.
I wish I would stop procrastinating.
Done. You are finished with procrastination forever and now work diligently to accomplish all of your goals with vim and vigor!… but you totally suck at everything and can’t get anything done due to your sheer ineptitude. Keep up the hard work!
I wish someone would corrupt my wish.
I corrupt your wish! But this also grants your wish just as you had intended, thus destroying the very fabric of this game and RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY.
I wish I could download knowledge and skills into my brain like in The Matrix.
bummer.
so much more clever than my attempt.
You have the capability to download knowledge and skills into your brain. Too bad you don’t have the capacity, and when you perform your first download, the data wraps your address space and overwrites your critical routines that cause you to breathe and the like. So you die.
I wish to have the skills and memory to dominate a chess game.
Granted. You can play chess exceptionally well, but it’s only the 3D chess game that Kirk and Spock play and no one else knows how to play it.
I wish I was good with grammar and punctuation; so much so that people would bow before me in awe of my use of the semicolon.
100th comment!
Your wish is granted. People bow before you as you speak and write with perfect grammar and punctuation. Then a piano promptly falls on your head.
I wish I had a nice cold (good) beer to drink at this very minute.