She's Back!

Hello, internets! My name is Alicia, and I am Mike's sister. I have been in hiding for far too long. But in the time since I have last posted, I have seen many a generic cialis 5 mg movie, including, but not limited to: Closer, The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou, Hotel Rwanda, Talk To Her, and Sideways.

Before I endeavor to review one of the above movies, I would like to retract my fiery and hasty quoting of the Plymouth Acclaim.

I apologize to my esteemed colleague Kurt.

Kurt, let us indeed share the marathon task of reviewing movies, shows, cookie recipes, restaurants, and other sundries, such as My Incredibly Unproductive Monday.* I offer an olive branch to you, Kurt — we can call this section of the blog “Fatty and Alicia's Movie Reviews.” What do you think?

OK. Today I'd like to review “Closer”, since it stars one of my brother's favorite actresses, Natalie Portman, whose real name is Natalie Hershlag. Yup. That's her real name. And according to imdb, she is sometimes credited as “Natalie Domini”. I've never been a big fan of Portman-Hershlag-Domini since I saw the Star Wars prequels — George Lucas couldn't have asked her to act so blandly, could he have? And “Where The Heart Is” was not the Oscar-worthy tearjerker I had never thought it would be. However, “Garden State” changed my mind about her (although I was very nervous about her wallpaper-paste acting during the scene in which she first appears, foisting The Shins upon unsuspecting ER patients). She proved to be adorable, and since Zach Braff is *endlessly* adorable, I was adorabled out of my mind and fell in love and moved to LA to be with Zach and we're getting married!

Actually, that didn't happen. But I loved the movie, and became a slight Portman admirer. And Braff lover. Um, I mean “fan”. “Closer” has Portman playing a harsher character than those she's previously portrayed. She's a member of an ensemble cast comprising Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, and Jude Law, and she won a Golden Globe for her performance. If you're curious how she could have possibly beaten out Meryl Streep and Virginia Madsen, rest assured that I feel the same way. As Kayser said, “Every fourth line went flat!” And in the beginning of the movie, I felt she was simply reprising her “Garden State” character — quirky, cute, man-hypnotizing, and jealousy-inducing to certain movie reviewers**. Perhaps this was intentional; I could see it as the director's way to initially disguise the painfully avoidant life Alice, her character, actually leads. The director, by the way, is Mike Nichols, who did “The Graduate” a number of years ago. Interestingly, “The Graduate” became quite a successful play, and “Closer” was originally a stage production. Clive Owen, who plays Larry, was a member of the stage cast; he was fantastic, believable, and probably the only (albeit slightly) sympathetic character in the movie. The others — MAN! At one point Kayser asked me if I wanted to leave as I sunk into the depths of my seat — the emotional trauma between the four extremely selfish, manipulative, hurting and hurtful characters was a lot to stomach. But I stuck it out!! I'm tough like that. I suppose it was worth it — it's a great movie: well acted, well written, with beautiful people. But I have refrained from recommending it to my friends, unless they're the cynical type who really want to be depressed about relationships and the fact that Jude Law is NOT ACTUALLY CUTE EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE MAGAZINE SEEMS TO THINK HE IS.***

In any case, Julia Roberts was also excellent, and again, she's not an actress of whom I've been extremely fond. She even looked lovely with blond hair, and she pulled off a slew of obscenities with such conviction that I'm convinced she has the mouth of a trucker at home. Watch out, Hazel and Phinneauoueus. Phieneuaus, Phyneais. Whatever.

In conclusion? Great movie. Thumbs up to direction, filming, screenplay, Clive Owen, Julia Roberts, Jude Law's voice (not face), 3/4 of Natalie, and all of Zach Braff. Would I say, “Go out and see this with all your friends!!”? No. It's pretty harsh. Here's when you should see this movie: it's incredibly sunny out, you and all your friends are in fantastic relationships, you've just had a Red Bull, and you've won the lottery, even if it's just $5 on a scratch ticket. That way, while you're watching human relations dissolve in adulterous and pathological acid, you can say, “No worries! I'm WIRED and I have 5 bucks and I'm going to the beach with Zach Braff after this!!!”

*(M.I.U.M was so unproductive that I am actually writing this at 1:30 AM on Tuesday. In case you're interested, M.I.U.M involved surfing the internet mindlessly, baking some good cookies, reading out loud from Harper's to some friends, watching half of Days of Our Lives, putting a box on top of a cabinet, and making lists of things to do on Tuesday.)

**Only some. Not me.

*** I would like to direct the staff at People to Zach Braff if they're looking for cute. Seriously, check these photos out:

exhibit 1: jude law

exhibit 2: zach braff

No contest. Zach Braff = proof of God's devotion to women.


7 thoughts on “She's Back!

  • 2/1/2005 at 4:42 pm

    I do believe that Lucas’ direction was “yes, but can you be blander? I want you to be an ice princess.”

    You may ask why…
    Well, “George Lucas” is really an automaton without emotion sent from the future to destroy fond memories of wookies and the futures of beautiful young actresses named only Natalie.

  • 2/2/2005 at 12:00 am

    I agree with Jon on this account, and as we all saw, His programming is not copmatible with today’s software.

  • 2/2/2005 at 10:09 am

    I’m a Natalie Portman/Hershlag fan. I think she’s pretty neat. I enjoyed her in Garden State and I look forward to seeing closer.

    and I agree wholeheartedly with Alicia. Jude law really doesn’t have anything going for him. I don’t know what women see in him. At least Zach Braff is funny in Scrubs. heh heh. that’s a great show.

  • 2/3/2005 at 11:04 am

    I’m curious about this statement, Alicia, ““Closer” has Portman playing a harsher character than those she’s previously portrayed”. You do realize that she fell in love with and will engage in atleast one act of intimacy with the
    DARK LORD OF THE SITH? If that’s not the harshest thing I’ve ever heard of, then, well, I’ve lived a sheltered life.

  • 2/3/2005 at 1:30 pm

    Dude, at least Amidala wasn’t a stripper.

  • 2/18/2005 at 12:59 pm

    Portman was also awesome/creepy in The Professional (starring your friend and mine, Jean Reno). That’s where I first saw her, and when she was in star wars, it made me feel creepy.

  • 7/17/2006 at 11:43 am

    I liked Natalie in Beautiful Girls, though the whole idea of a 13-year-old and a 28-year old with a romantic connection is a bit icky.

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