Last night I submitted an essay to a cheap contest. It went as follows:
I am known for my cheapness. It’s more than a mindset, it’s an obsession. I am a firm believer in saving on the little things so that I can afford the bigger things. I do all the typical savings routines: cut out coupons to save money on groceries, avoid the car AC to get more mileage per gallon, and eat my cereal at work to get the free milk. But when I read your plea for a testimony of the cheapest of cheap I knew exactly what you were referring to: The Laundry of 2000.
In the spring of 2000 I was finishing up my first year at college. I was a typical college student who was in a constant battle with my wallet. I did everything I could to save cash but even with all my attempts the laundry machines in the basement of my dorm still cost 1.25 per load.
I came up with a plan. I went home during spring break and washed everything I owned. I had 7 weeks left at school, and I was determined to make it all 7 weeks without needing to do laundry. I figured pants and shirts could be worn multiple times as long as I had clean undergarments. I would run out of boxers after about 4 weeks, but I had nearly seven weeks worth when I included swimming trunks,
running shorts, and the like. In the worst case I could always go commando. The first 5 weeks went pretty well. Socks were the first to go. I had gone sockless as often as possible, but my sandals had taken on the smell of something very unholy. One night during week 6, I was making a quick ride home for a theater production at the North Shore Music Theater. Unfortunately the trip home would be too quick to do a load of laundry so I needed to find a fix for my very angry feet. I walked to the communal bathroom and grabbed some brown paper towels. I carefully wrapped each foot twice and slipped them into my sneakers. If this didn’t absorb the stench I didn’t know what would.
My feet were miserable. Paper towels, it turns out, do not provide nearly the same amount of comfort as a cotton sock. My feet were sticky with sweat and the paper towels were crumpled masses of creases and folds. My family got quite a laugh as I kept making small adjustments to my footwear to try and make it more comfortable.
Despite the failed attempt at paper towel socks, I’m proud to report that I did make it the 7 weeks. And I did save that $1.25. Another victory for cheap folks everywhere.
-mike d.
That is by far the most retarded thing I have every heard of. What do you win in this contest? It better be good.
What is this cynicism? Even if I won a David Hasselhoff bobble head, it would be worth it to be the holder of the title: Penny Pincher of the Year.
Your comment does not mar my enthusiasm for the contest.
For future reference, socks can be worn until they’re too crusty to bend and fit into your shoe.
It beats paper towels.
_Sander
i just saw dodgeball the other day and there was a great cameo by Hasselhoff.
to be honest mike d, if you won a David Hasselhoff bobblehead, i would be EXTREMELY, I say, EXTREMELY jealous, for that is a prized entity, far superior to the cheap plastic trophies of nowadays.
The trophy and award is awesome MikeD. Perhaps I didn’t explain what was retarded well enough. You are retarded for thinking papertowel would work. Brown paper towl has the absorbancy and consistency of a brick. I do hope you win so I can take some tips from you. But until then I won’t take any tips from you.
kurt is very surly lately. and i’m not. maybe we switched places like in those crappy disney movies. but probably not.
annnyway, good story, i hope you win a David Hasselhoff vs. Corey Feldman Rock ’em Sock ’em Robot set.
This is why it’s good to have a girlfriend. They seem to like doing laundry.
Damned If I Know
Note that girlfriends like to do laundry to the same extent that boyfriends like to do laundry.
Possibly, but girlfriends care how we smell and look more than we care how we smell and look.
Damned If I Know
Perhaps, though that is not true in all situations. For those who have girlfriends, or boyfriends, who are particularly attuned to their partner’s scent, if you want to keep this significant other, you should do you own laundry.