Category: Smcquaid

Gentle Readers:

This week, as the Power behind “Defy S. McQuaid” has dictated, we witness a bit of a diversion from the usual Question/Answer format.

In this installment, S. McQuaid will answer a question posed BY himself TO himself. Prepare yourself.

The Question

Word on the street has it – S. McQuaid used to work at McDonald’s during the Golden Age of the mid-90’s. True? And if so, what items of culinary mastery were created that can no longer be acquired at the local Golden Arches?

The Answer

Yes, it is true. During my tenure at the town McDonald’s, cheeseburgers flew fast and furious. Grill items were prepared with enthusiasm and correctness at blazing speed. The “Black Hole” (the first car I ever owned, a 1985 Chrysler New Yorker, black, and it TALKED) was in full operation. And Sean Connery often answered consumers at the drive-thru speaker. (Note the clever mis-spelling of “Drive Thru” – that’s the way it is spelled on all McDonald’s internal literature).

But none of this bears on the second part of the question – what food items were created?

The proper question is, what food items were NOT created?

Let’s first examine the items that were on the menu at the time, but are no longer available. The first, and most important item, is the Arch Deluxe.

A breathtaking arrangement of meat, vegetables, and soft roll, the Arch Deluxe was marketed as the “Grown-up burger”. Definitely one of my favorite burgers to create (and consume), the Arch Deluxe was a masterwork of bacon, spices, meat, and special sauce. I won’t go into the details of the production of this beast, but if you are curious, there is an extensive Wikipedia article available: Arch Deluxe of Power

Also during this time frame, the McDonald’s Fajita was in full swing.

The fajita was fabulous – chewy yet tender, a taste unable to be characterized. And to think, as part of my morning routine, I created over a HUNDRED fajitas in less than 10 minutes. No lie. The fajita came with both Hot and Mild Picante sauce, and, in a series of independent taste tests undertaken several years back by myself and some compatriots, the Mild Picante sauce and a Small Coke were chosen as the Top Ranked Food Items at the local McDonald’s in Worcester. That tells you just how kicking the sauce was. (Details of this taste survey, which covered the main fast food establishments in the Worcester area, may be revealed at a later date).

And how can we forget The McRib?

A slab of meat, deboned, then processed into a moldable medium, and finally shaped to appear as if it actually had bones. But it didn’t. Soaked in tasty barbeque sauce and served with real onions, the McRib was always a huge seller. And, if you accidentally drop a McRib meat-shape into a fryalator, NOTHING HAPPENS. The McRib is impervious to hot oil, and does not even deign to interact with it. Freaky.

Dozens of culinary masterpieces were birthed in the grill of my local McDonald’s that cannot be found anywhere else. Take, for instance, the PickleBurger. The PickleBurger was requested by a friend and created by the power of planning, execution, and S. McQuaid. The request was for “a Double Quarter Pounder with more pickles than meat”. Some might quail at a request like this. I did not. The PickleBurger was produced, and approved, and consumed over the course of a half hour.

The secret of the PickleBurger is LAYERS. In order to construct the beast, strict layering protocols were followed. For the first time, I am revealing the hidden recipe to you, the gentle reader.

—————> Top Bun (with sesame seeds, of course)
—————> The Intangibles (ketchup and mustard)
—————> Double layer of pickles
—————> Real Onions (the non-dehydrated, natural variety)
—————> Single layer of pickles
—————> One slice Orange Cheese Product
—————> Triple layer of pickles
—————> One all-beef quarter-pound (before cooking) patty
—————> Double layer of pickles
—————> One slice Orange Cheese Product
—————> Triple layer of pickles
—————> One slice Orange Cheese Product
—————> Triple layer of pickles
—————> One all-beef quarter-pound (before cooking) patty
—————> Double layer of pickles
—————> One slice Orange Cheese Product
—————> Triple layer of pickles
—————> One slice Orange Cheese Product
—————> Triple layer of pickles
—————> Bottom Bun

This is just a brief survey of the magnificence that was S. McQuaid in the McDonald’s grill. I certainly hope that you, the gentle reader, are edified and informed, and perhaps even a tear was shed during this stroll down Memory Lane.

The Question

mike d. asks:

Dear Shaun McQuaid,

Why the heck is there a cold season? This doesn’t make sense to me.

The only two things that I could think that might cause it are
1) cold weather. in which case… does Mexico or Mediterranian countries have cold seasons?
2) kids go back to school. in which case… why doesn’t cold season last until June? It can’t be because we grow more immune, because if were were more immune then there wouldn’t be another cold season the next year.

Shaun McQuaid… I’m lost and confused! Please help!

sick of being sick,
mike d.

The Answer

There have been a number of studies done, trying to show a correlation between the cold weather of winter and an increase in illnesses. The results have been conflicting; some show a massive correlation, some show none at all. But you can’t throw out decades of experience – there has to be SOMETHING.

The answer I believe makes the most sense is this:

In the winter season, regardless of whether you live in sunny California or wicked cold New England, the air tends to be drier. Dry air will dry out your sinuses and your nasal passages. And dry nasal passages and sinuses are less able to filter out the germs.

Hence, a twofold effect: When you breathe in the germs, they are more likely to infect you. And when you sneeze or breathe out, you are more likely to infect others. It’s a sort of positive feedback loop.

Thus, a cold season.

The Question

Meghan asks:

Just out of pure curiosity, what exactly would have to be different about a person’s body chemistry to allow them to alter the color of a bath towel simply by drying themselves with it? This is a purely objective question, mind you. I CERTAINLY don’t know ANYONE who has EVER done this…*coughshauncough*

The Answer

Well, that person would need to be very special indeed.

There is one easy way to affect the color of a towel – you can bleach it! That will change the color of it. However, I think we can assume that the person in question does not exude bleach. So how could this have happened?

Well, think about bleach, for a moment. What is the defining trait of bleach? Why, that it’s extremely alkaline, that’s what! So perhaps the person in question also was very alkaline (like a human battery, perhaps). That would definitely affect the color of a towel.

Or, perhaps they had something that was very alkaline on them – like soap! Unless they were using Dove (which is PH balanced, of course), the soap might have been very basic, and said person might not have rinsed themselves off completely.

Or perhaps, the water in the shower had some strange trait. Perhaps it was softened? This, in combination with a slightly alkaline body chemistry, could potentially change fabric colors.

I think the most likely solution is a combination of all three items. So we have softened water, an incomplete rinse cycle, and a human battery. No wonder the towel changed color in the presence of so much POWER!

The Question

Karen asks:

Dear Shaun (alias Dr. Hoogenheimer) Recently I moved back to my hometown—a quaint little place I am thoroughly enjoying. Every time I drive down Main Street I see something either very interesting or very amusing. Yesterday, I beheld what seemed to be, a very agitated person beating up one of the parking meters with a large piece of wood. This got me to thinking—–just how long have parking meters been in existance? Where were they first installed? I sincerely believe the ones in my town are in mortal danger……

Also, wasn’t that picture on the “Defy Shaun McQuaid” banner the same one that was on your bedroom door for years???

The Answer

Well, it’s an interesting question. It turns out that (with a few disagreeing folks) the parking meter was invented in 1935 by a fellow who goes by the name of Carl C. Magee. Mr. Magee had been appointed to the “traffic committee” of Oklahoma City, and was trying to resolve parking issues stemming from the fact that the employees of stores were taking all of the on-street parking, and customers couldn’t park. (This seems a little self-defeating on the part of the employees – but who am I to judge?). He applied for his patent that year and was awarded it in 1938. Of course, the first boxes were not armored, and it was simply a matter of swatting the box with a piece of wood to extricate the change within. Perhaps your meter attacker was a time-traveler from the past, who didn’t realize that parking meters are now impervious to wooden assault?

Indeed, the “Defy S. McQuaid” picture has been in my possession for many, many years. However, Mike D. has not yet seen fit to return it to the page, or update it for today’s discerning audience….perhaps this prod will push him in the right direction?