Sahara. It was one of those movies that I knew existed only because of the heavily paparazzi'd romance between its cialis 5mg costars (in this case, Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz). It did not have a school writing paper very long theater run, and I almost considered not watching it on my plane ride from Reagan to Salt Lake City. However, it was free, and I figured it would help time pass. Plus, Mr. McConaughey and Ms. Cruz ain't so bad to look at.

Note to Alicia: short theater runs generally mean that the movie sucked.
I've decided for this review to make a little list. Hopefully, I will save you from any movie that even remotely resembles “Sahara.”

1. Curse you, Dan Brown, and your terrible writing and bad adventure genre. You and your ridiculous “novels” have spawned American interest in tremendous wastes of time and money, such as “National Treasure” and this movie, “Sahara”, wherein MacGyver-like “normal guys” search out buried treasure and conspiracy secrets and END UP SAVING THE WORLD from bad guys, the Illuminati, and/or disease! And by god, getting the girl!
Note to America: Guys!! Dan Brown can't write!! Try Steinbeck!!

2. Penelope Cruz, you are stunningly beautiful. In fact, I am very jealous of you, because you're not only gorgeous, you have a cute accent, and guys go for that accent thing. And, you're quite a good actress – in “Abre Los Ojos” you were incredible. However, does moving to Hollywood mean that you have to perform in schlock? I mean, seriously, this dialogue was pitiful. Who is your agent? My advice is: get a new one. And stop dating your co-stars. (Do you regret the Tom Cruise thing? I bet you do.)

3. Why doesn't the funny sidekick ever get the girl? Ever since “Pretty in Pink”, when it was so obvious that Ducky should have gotten the girl, not Mr. I-Have-Money-But-No-Personality, I have been saddened by the lack of geek romance in films. I guess that's why the 1988 TV movie “Dance 'Til Dawn” is one of my personal favorites: the beautiful popular girl falls for the nerd after an eventful prom night. Ahhh. Teen angst and romance. I am sucked in so easily.

In any case, in Sahara, Steve Zahn plays a very funny and cute sidekick who dismantles a bomb at The Crucial Moment and lets Mr. McC save the lovely Penelope. He gets no reward, yet MM gets to frolic with PC on the shores of Monterrey. What's up, Hollywood? Let's give these sidekicks hot girlfriends. And no, purple multi-tentacled aliens (a la Galaxy Quest) do not count.

4. Dear movie directors of America,
If you stretch the limits of reality more than once — as in having main characters defy rebel gunfire in the middle of the Sahara Desert over and over again without any visible means of obtaining drinking water, and then having them climb onto a moving train from the backs of camels that they just learned how to ride (and by the way, that thing about the Civil War-era iron clad ship being depicted in a cave drawing was totally ludicrous) — I will lose interest in your movie and get up and go to the bathroom.


3 thoughts on “SAHARA

  • 7/25/2005 at 3:20 pm

    I like the list. I also like the shameless attack on Dan Brown’s writing and the blasting of overly ficticious action sequences. In fact, I love it when you don’t like movies because the scathing review is always the most entertaining!

    excellent review.

  • 7/27/2005 at 12:14 pm

    Girls just don’t understand!

    1&4. Adventure rules! Evading gunfire, hot women, and Illuminati-esque conspiracies and coverups, and generally rocking abilities to do anything (particularly on a moving train) are the bread and butter of our friend 007, and he’s done quite well for himself. In fact the older movies are amongst my favorites.
    Without stretching reality, it’s just a film about some dude who’s just like me, and nobody wants to see that.
    Though, Steinbeck is good. Have you seen the film version of “Of Mice and Men” with Gary Sinise and John Malkovich? It’s really good.
    2. Penelope Cruz could still star in roles that flaunt her thespian talents, or she could makes millions of dollars and keep her yacht/mansions going if she stars in roles that flaunt her other talents, two of which reside on her chest. If I was hot, I’d totally take the money.
    3. Sidekicks never get the girl, because that’s what they do. They’re not people, but vehicles towards the hero getting more lay throughout the movie. These guys are there in order to make guys feel good, as we always feel underappreciated, and can identify of course with their disproportionately high ratio of butt-kicking to getting chicks, or so we’d like to think. I personally get girls about 1/100 as much as I should, were you to factor in how much I rule.
    And, Steve Zahn RULES. But only when he doesn’t fully succeed, he plays a great sort of “tragic sidekick.”

    There you have it!
    I’ve never seen Sahara, but I bet it’s pretty good, as long as I have Cheetos and beer.

  • 7/28/2005 at 10:25 am

    Sander, thank you for enlightening me. But I like adventure too, and my very positive review of War of the Worlds will appear next week. And, I just saw The Island, and even though it’s a Michael Bay movie, I still liked the over the top action. So I think there’s more to why Sahara sucked… perhaps the dialogue. Check it out, and let me know what you think.

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