Laser Beam. Granted.

It’s actually just a stop & shop checkout scanner though. And it’s mounted with duct tape.

WISH:
I wish I could shoot giant fireballs from my palms.

*nose wiggle* Wish granted.

However, it is giant candy fireballs that shoot from your palms.

WISH:
I wish I had a jacuzzi in my apartment.

Granted! Although it comes with Ron Jeremy inside it.

WISH: I could get rid of the giant dent in my car caused by falling snow.

Granted. But the mechanics are Ian and Sander.

Wish:
I wish that it was May so that FIRST would be over already.

Granted. However, it’s May in the year 3051. Monkeys have taken over the earth and rule over humans with an iron fist.

Wish: I wish that I won the Powerball lotto.

Granted.

Unfortunately shared winners results in powerball winnings of a mere four cents.

Of which 0.02 has to be mailed to the government as taxes on the winnings. Postage costs 39 cents. And… just like that you’re 37 cents in the red.

WISH: That I could freeze time so that I could be well rested every night.

Granted. But you can’t unfreeze time.

I wish I had freshly-baked, tasty chocolate chip cookies in my cubicle right now.

*nose wiggle* Granted.

Then a squirrel comes into your cubicle and eats them all.

I wish I could hear other people’s thoughts.

Granted. You are driven insane by hearing everyone in the world’s thoughts all at once.

I wish I was impervious to disease.

Granted. But now you have to wear one of those jumpsuits like in Outbreak all the time. Looks like you’re never having kids, if y’know what I mean.

I wish that I had a mental lie detector.

Granted. Sadly, your mental lie detector does not detect verbal lies, only mental ones.

I wish that I had a rad bike.

Granted. You get a nice new bike, but it is “rad” - it emits thousands of rads, dosing the rider with a fatal dose of gamma radiation.

I wish my car repairs cost me nothing.

Granted, but you’ll never get the stains or the smell out of the trunk.

I wish that I could be invisible for a day.

Blam! You’re invisible for a day.
Unfortunately that day is going to occur long after you’re dead, and I doubt the worms will think much of it.

I wish that I was above the law.

Granted. You now hover approximately an inch over the Constitution at all times, unable to move yourself from the Library of Congress.

I wish I had the NES game “BattleToads”.

Granted. but no mater how much you blow on it, jimmy it around, or press the reset button you can’t get it to play.

I wish I was independently wealthy

Done and Done, Too bad your serving a life sentence for dealing drugs to Kindergarten Kids.

I wish I was ambidextrous.

Kazaam!
You’re ambidextrous. Unfortunately, in the process your hands have been relocated, and are now next to your ears.

I wish I had big metal claws like Wolverine.

Granted. Unfortunately unlike Wolverine, you do not have super human regeneration, and the first time you unleash your claws, you die from excessive bloodloss.

I wish mike d would do things even more retarded than what he did in the video posted today.

Poof! You have big metal claws. Unfortunately, you do not have control of their retraction/extension. After seriously maiming many people, you earn yourself a life sentence in prison.

I wish my family lived in the same state, but not in the same town.

Shamus: granted.
Mike D. does extremely stupid things. But stops recording video, so the world is never in the know.

Aaron: granted.
Both you and your family have moved so that you’re sharing a duplex that sits on the border between two towns. The walls are thin. Your parents disapprove of everything you do. You go to the bottle to make yourself feel better. Your addiction leads to financial instability, your wife leaves you, and you crash your rad bike as you try to drunkenly jump a curb. Your life is in ruins.

WISH:
I wish I had a spaceship.

Granted. You absolutely love your job, so much that you can’t bring yourself to leave it, even though they charge you thousands a month for the privilege of working there instead of paying you.

I wish I had a coupon that let me get free fajitas from any restaurant that served them on the menu.

Granted. You can talk to animals. However, no animals will listen to you.

I wish my typing was both incredibly accurate and incredibly speedy.

Your wishes have been fulfilled!
You write a book, and are sued over its content by angry right-wing conservative mothers, and you now live in a refrigerator box. Your scrapbook came out great, but due to a glue mixup your fingers are now all permanently cemented together. You go to the gym every day, but since you have no money and they see your uni-hands as a safety risk when handling heavy weights, you’re not allowed inside. You’re completely stress-free, despite the fact that due to eating out of dumpsters every day has riddled you with dysentery.

I wish that I could play the piano.

Congratulations! You (both) can play the piano. However, your repertoire is limited to Celine Dion songs. You can play Elton John too, but only backwards.

I wish I never had to shave again.

Granted. You can smack people through the phone lines. How violent of you! However, the power of the smack decreases exponentially with distance, and anyone beyond arms-length can’t feel the feather-light smacks.

I wish I was excellent at bowling.

You’re so good at making bowls, in fact, that an unscrupulous sweatshop owner gets wind, kindnaps you, and replaces his entire workforce with just one smcquaid bowl-o-matic and you spend the rest of your days at the pottery wheel.

I wish I was invicible

Congratulations! You are now invincible and will be the only human to survive the comet impact next week. You will live out eternity in a desolate wasteland until the universe collapses in on itself in 50 billion years.

I wish I could fly.

Hey, neat! You can fly! Too bad you can’t land, and you starve to death in the skies, forever circling as an emaciated corpse.

I wish I had today off.

Daylight savings occurs all the time now. We subtract an hour from the time once every second. Before the next 3 days is up, you’re a merely a newborn, and no longer legally allowed to drive or vote or go to R-rated movies. You’re soon killed by a mob of angry former teenagers.

I wish that drinking fountains had a secondary nozzle that dispensed beer.

You did go to Hogwarts, but they found out you were a muggle. So they made you the night janitor, and cast a spell so that the toilets are always dirty, and one of the ghosts always throws up in the cafeteria.

I wish I had super fast reflexes

Congratulations! You are a Blue Man. Unfortunately for you, BluBlocker sunglasses come back in style with a vengeance.

I wish I could sing opera

Granted! Cinnamon Toast Crunch is so healthy that it will actually cure cancer. Unfortunately, Wendell keeps it all for himself.

I wish I was Jack Bauer on 24

However, your play of Europe’s classic tune is unlicensed, and you are sued for everything you’re worth by the RIAA, and hated by thousands of European, blonde-mulleted men. (Yes, The Final Count Down was released on the American label Sony/Epic, thank you very much.)

I wish I had an extensive machine shop at my house.

wish granted! Only you go to the parking lot to find that your car won’t start. You also find that your cellphone battery is dead and everyone else is gone from the building, which is locked and closed for floor maintanence. You see a public phone in the distance and walk all the way to it to find that it only takes quarters and all you have is a nickel.

I wish I had studied for my midterm this morning.

You’re 10 again! Unfortunately you forget everything you’ve learnt since being 10, and so in the process of travelling back in time you caused an inifite loop in the universe. Every time it reaches the 2nd of March 2007 again, you will again wish to be 10, thus rewinding the universe again, and again, and again… The only way to stop the loop is cut the power to the universe and reboot.

I wish I was a real ninja.

It’s stops raining!
The weather changes to a bright, warmy sunny day. So warm, in fact, that all skin melts off our bodies. Procreation is impossibly painful and disgusting, and in 75 years the world population is down to you a hanful of really old skinless people who’ve found some shelter in Antarctica, who spend their time teaching penguins to peck your eyes out while you sleep.

I wish I could jump 10 times my body height (and land just as easily).

You now have your own personal Moe’s franchise! Unfortunately you now must hear ‘Welcome to Moes!’ every time you walk through a door… for the rest of your life.

I wish I had a doggie.