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Wish CorruptionFavorite

February 27th, 2007 by smcquaid in A Day In The Life...

Currently eating: PB & J

Shaun McQuaid says:

Let’s play a game. It’s called “wish corruption”. It goes something like this…

I make a wish. For example:
“I wish I had fries with my lunch.”

The next person grants the wish, but corrupts it.
“Granted, but the fries are 2 weeks old.”

I think this could easily break the highest comment count, if we do it right…

I’ll start.

I wish I had a laser beam mounted on my car.

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130 Comments »

Comment by mike d. |
2007-02-27 13:08:40

Laser Beam. Granted.

It’s actually just a stop & shop checkout scanner though. And it’s mounted with duct tape.

WISH:
I wish I could shoot giant fireballs from my palms.

 
Comment by Caitlin |
2007-02-27 13:22:29

*nose wiggle* Wish granted.

However, it is giant candy fireballs that shoot from your palms.

WISH:
I wish I had a jacuzzi in my apartment.

Comment by mike d. |
2007-02-27 14:48:14

giant candy fireballs? well…. it’s not quite what I had been hoping for. But I suppose I could make it work.

Candy Fireballs for Everybody!

 
 
Comment by Jocelyn |
2007-02-27 13:27:21

Granted! Although it comes with Ron Jeremy inside it.

WISH: I could get rid of the giant dent in my car caused by falling snow.

 
Comment by Timmy |
2007-02-27 13:41:50

Granted. But the mechanics are Ian and Sander.

Wish:
I wish that it was May so that FIRST would be over already.

 
Comment by Aaron |
2007-02-27 14:34:48

Granted. However, it’s May in the year 3051. Monkeys have taken over the earth and rule over humans with an iron fist.

Wish: I wish that I won the Powerball lotto.

 
Comment by mike d. |
2007-02-27 14:45:21

Granted.

Unfortunately shared winners results in powerball winnings of a mere four cents.

Of which 0.02 has to be mailed to the government as taxes on the winnings. Postage costs 39 cents. And… just like that you’re 37 cents in the red.

WISH: That I could freeze time so that I could be well rested every night.

 
Comment by smcquaid |
2007-02-27 14:48:19

Granted. But you can’t unfreeze time.

I wish I had freshly-baked, tasty chocolate chip cookies in my cubicle right now.

 
Comment by Caitlin |
2007-02-27 14:53:30

*nose wiggle* Granted.

Then a squirrel comes into your cubicle and eats them all.

I wish I could hear other people’s thoughts.

 
Comment by smcquaid |
2007-02-27 15:44:19

Granted. You are driven insane by hearing everyone in the world’s thoughts all at once.

I wish I was impervious to disease.

 
Comment by Jocelyn |
2007-02-27 17:12:36

Granted. But now you have to wear one of those jumpsuits like in Outbreak all the time. Looks like you’re never having kids, if y’know what I mean.

I wish that I had a mental lie detector.

 
Comment by Aaron |
2007-02-27 17:32:05

Granted. Sadly, your mental lie detector does not detect verbal lies, only mental ones.

I wish that I had a rad bike.

 
Comment by smcquaid |
2007-02-27 17:43:49

Granted. You get a nice new bike, but it is “rad” - it emits thousands of rads, dosing the rider with a fatal dose of gamma radiation.

I wish my car repairs cost me nothing.

 
Comment by Joey |
2007-02-27 20:33:55

Granted, but you’ll never get the stains or the smell out of the trunk.

I wish that I could be invisible for a day.

 
Comment by Sander |
2007-02-27 20:53:11

Blam! You’re invisible for a day.
Unfortunately that day is going to occur long after you’re dead, and I doubt the worms will think much of it.

I wish that I was above the law.

 
Comment by smcquaid |
2007-02-28 06:51:45

Granted. You now hover approximately an inch over the Constitution at all times, unable to move yourself from the Library of Congress.

I wish I had the NES game “BattleToads”.

 
Comment by shamus |
2007-02-28 07:24:32

Granted. but no mater how much you blow on it, jimmy it around, or press the reset button you can’t get it to play.

I wish I was independently wealthy

 
Comment by Kurt from Work |
2007-02-28 07:33:15

Done and Done, Too bad your serving a life sentence for dealing drugs to Kindergarten Kids.

I wish I was ambidextrous.

 
Comment by Sander |
2007-02-28 09:16:00

Kazaam!
You’re ambidextrous. Unfortunately, in the process your hands have been relocated, and are now next to your ears.

I wish I had big metal claws like Wolverine.

 
Comment by shamus |
2007-02-28 09:22:02

Granted. Unfortunately unlike Wolverine, you do not have super human regeneration, and the first time you unleash your claws, you die from excessive bloodloss.

I wish mike d would do things even more retarded than what he did in the video posted today.

 
Comment by Aaron |
2007-02-28 09:23:54

Poof! You have big metal claws. Unfortunately, you do not have control of their retraction/extension. After seriously maiming many people, you earn yourself a life sentence in prison.

I wish my family lived in the same state, but not in the same town.

 
Comment by mike d. |
2007-02-28 09:33:07

Shamus: granted.
Mike D. does extremely stupid things. But stops recording video, so the world is never in the know.

Aaron: granted.
Both you and your family have moved so that you’re sharing a duplex that sits on the border between two towns. The walls are thin. Your parents disapprove of everything you do. You go to the bottle to make yourself feel better. Your addiction leads to financial instability, your wife leaves you, and you crash your rad bike as you try to drunkenly jump a curb. Your life is in ruins.

WISH:
I wish I had a spaceship.

Comment by Kurt from Work |
2007-02-28 09:54:14

Its Yours MikeD! It comes with with all options! 6 cupholders, Hot Tub, rock n roll room, Space Dojo, and a journey Album Supression Field.

I wish that I worked in a job that I truly truly loved.

Comment by mike d. |
2007-02-28 09:58:38

Journey Album Suppression?!?!?!?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 
 
 
Comment by smcquaid |
2007-02-28 10:06:04

Granted. You absolutely love your job, so much that you can’t bring yourself to leave it, even though they charge you thousands a month for the privilege of working there instead of paying you.

I wish I had a coupon that let me get free fajitas from any restaurant that served them on the menu.

Comment by Kurt from Work |
2007-02-28 10:30:24

Today must be your lucky day Shaun! You found a coupon for free fajitas from Any restaraunt that serves them. Fast Forward 2 months…Your cholestorol is through the roof and you’ve put on 500 pounds, getting you close to that dreaded “Sander Weight”, after eating 100 Fajitas a day.

I wish I could talk to animals.

 
 
Comment by smcquaid |
2007-02-28 13:56:23

Granted. You can talk to animals. However, no animals will listen to you.

I wish my typing was both incredibly accurate and incredibly speedy.

Comment by Aaron |
2007-02-28 13:59:51

Magically, your typing is both incredibly accurate and speedy. Sadly, your typing exhibits these qualities only in Esperanto on a Dvorak keyboard.

I wish I got free postage.

Comment by Kurt from Work |
2007-02-28 14:03:38

The postal service has selected you for their Free Postage for life contest! Unfortunately you don’t have any friends to mail things to…

I wish there was a food that was as tasty as baked beans but as healthy as wheat germ.

Comment by Alicia |
2007-02-28 14:33:40

Granted! But that food is actually a living cockroach. Can you get over the fear factor?

I wish that I had EVERY day off and that because of my large amount of free time, I could finally write a book, scrapbook my life, go to the gym everyday, and be stress free….

Comment by Kurt from Work |
2007-02-28 14:52:17

Your wish is granted!
With you not calling into work when you weren’t coming in, they fired you so now you have EVERY day off. With the lack of income you can’t afford to write a book, so you take scraps and write a sign you sit in front of the gym collecting change from the goodness of strangers all while being stressfree.

I wish I could play a musical instrument.

 
 
 
 
 
Comment by Sander |
2007-02-28 14:49:31

Your wishes have been fulfilled!
You write a book, and are sued over its content by angry right-wing conservative mothers, and you now live in a refrigerator box. Your scrapbook came out great, but due to a glue mixup your fingers are now all permanently cemented together. You go to the gym every day, but since you have no money and they see your uni-hands as a safety risk when handling heavy weights, you’re not allowed inside. You’re completely stress-free, despite the fact that due to eating out of dumpsters every day has riddled you with dysentery.

I wish that I could play the piano.

Comment by Kurt from Work |
2007-02-28 14:55:56

Slight side note…I’m slightly sickened that sander and I have come to this very similar conclusion to corrupt this wish…and even more sickened by the fact that we both came up with rediculously close wishes….

Excuse me while I go puke.

Comment by Sander |
2007-02-28 16:15:41

1. Right. You’re sickened.
2. They weren’t so similar, really. Poverty was the obvious conclusion.
3. I think you just copied my wish.
4. According to this website, you wear size 500 pants.

that last one is fairly irrelevant, but still halarious

Comment by mike d. |
2007-02-28 18:39:00

It’s funny that you mention this, because earlier today I changed that link to “Kurt wears size 250 jeans” because of his recent weight loss.

 
 
 
 
Comment by Aaron |
2007-02-28 16:05:55

Congratulations! You (both) can play the piano. However, your repertoire is limited to Celine Dion songs. You can play Elton John too, but only backwards.

I wish I never had to shave again.

Comment by Sander |
2007-02-28 16:17:25

Congratulations! Now that you’re a mole rat, you don’t have to shave ever again.

I wish I had the power to smack people over the phone.

 
 
Comment by smcquaid |
2007-02-28 16:54:18

Granted. You can smack people through the phone lines. How violent of you! However, the power of the smack decreases exponentially with distance, and anyone beyond arms-length can’t feel the feather-light smacks.

I wish I was excellent at bowling.

 
Comment by Ryan Schenk |
2007-02-28 21:03:27

You’re so good at making bowls, in fact, that an unscrupulous sweatshop owner gets wind, kindnaps you, and replaces his entire workforce with just one smcquaid bowl-o-matic and you spend the rest of your days at the pottery wheel.

I wish I was invicible

 
Comment by Roland |
2007-03-01 05:21:02

Congratulations! You are now invincible and will be the only human to survive the comet impact next week. You will live out eternity in a desolate wasteland until the universe collapses in on itself in 50 billion years.

I wish I could fly.

 
Comment by smcquaid |
2007-03-01 07:17:10

Hey, neat! You can fly! Too bad you can’t land, and you starve to death in the skies, forever circling as an emaciated corpse.

I wish I had today off.

Comment by Kurt from Work |
2007-03-01 07:33:45

Way to go! You have today off. But you are rediculously sick. No Atari for you!

I wish Firefly was still on TV.

Comment by Aaron |
2007-03-01 08:40:21

Much like that Star Trek series starring Scott Bakula, Firefly is put back in production and is picked up by the Sci Fi network. However, the change of writing staff to old “Blossom” scribes and the introduction of Jenna Von Oy to the cast drastically change the feel of the show. Now it is a little less space-western, and a lot more “teenage girl, her family, and the struggles of growing up in a single-parent household with a wise-cracking grandfather and former drug-addict older brother, while learning life lessons” show.

I wish that it were daylight savings time all the time.

Comment by Ryan Schenk |
2007-03-01 09:56:42

Congratulations! It’s DST all the time! You had to update your computer though, to patch the date parsers, and now it won’t boot. (True story.) Not that it matters, the increased electrical consumption by all those air conditioners in Southern and Desert climates to compensate for the increased daylight means unpredictable but frequent blackouts.

I wish I had my own key lime tree

Comment by Kurt from Work |
2007-03-01 10:28:43

There you go! your very own key lime tree…One problem…It also came with a rabid wolverine living at the base….Good luck getting those tasty tasty treats!

I wish that there was a food item that sander wouldn’t eat.

 
 
 
 
 
Comment by Sander |
2007-03-01 10:05:31

Daylight savings occurs all the time now. We subtract an hour from the time once every second. Before the next 3 days is up, you’re a merely a newborn, and no longer legally allowed to drive or vote or go to R-rated movies. You’re soon killed by a mob of angry former teenagers.

I wish that drinking fountains had a secondary nozzle that dispensed beer.

Comment by Ryan Schenk |
2007-03-01 10:10:57

Congratulations! Unfortunately, all that beer is horribly, horribly skunked. And because you posted an out-of-band-comment and didn’t reply to mine, do you know where that beer dispensing nozzle goes? That’s right. Beer enema.

I wish I had a really fancy pen.

Comment by Kurt from Work |
2007-03-01 10:35:53

Look in your pocket protector Ryan! Is that pen fancy enough for you? You know what makes it fancy? It kicks out an awesome scent similar to a skunks stench combined with raw sewage. Fancy!

I wish someone would invent a hovercar.

Comment by Aaron |
2007-03-01 10:41:54

Dude! Bill Gates invented a hovercar! But then he heavily patented it, and refuses to produce it commercially, or ever allow anybody else to do so. He won’t even give you a ride.

I wish that instead of a bunch of teeth I just had one long, curvy tooth. You know, so I wouldn’t have to floss.

Comment by Ryan Schenk |
2007-03-01 10:52:07

Although your long tooth allows you to play a mean guitar solo a-la Jimi Hendrix, you decided to get all gangsta and get a grill. The problem? Those 8lbs of gold and diamonds added to the front of your head gives you severe neck strain, and you are unable to hold your head upright!

I wish I had a jet-powered skateboard

(PS. Kurt, Bill Gates’s hovercar has a maximum carrying capacity of 600lbs, so you couldn’t ride in one even if you wanted to!)

Comment by Kurt from Work |
2007-03-01 10:56:58

Doesn’t anyone read the comments? I totally lost weight! I’m down to a size 250 Jeans!

Oh yeah…someone had a wish around here….Jet powered Skateboard I think it was? There ya go! Its a shame it doesn’t have wheels.

I wish I went to Hogwarts!

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Comment by lara Subscribed to comments via email |
2007-06-07 14:54:07

oooh NASTY

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Comment by Ryan Schenk |
2007-03-01 11:09:53

You did go to Hogwarts, but they found out you were a muggle. So they made you the night janitor, and cast a spell so that the toilets are always dirty, and one of the ghosts always throws up in the cafeteria.

I wish I had super fast reflexes

Comment by Ben |
2007-03-01 11:27:32

You have super fast reflexes! A fly lands on your nose, you smash it so quickly you snap your own neck, rendering you paralyzed from the waist down.

I wish I had my own tropical paradise.

Comment by Aaron |
2007-03-01 11:41:21

You do own your own tropical paradise. Sadly, your vampirism makes exposure to sunlight fatal. A pity.

I wish I had mad yo-yo skills.

Comment by Kurt from Work |
2007-03-01 12:05:49

You are known as Mad Dog Aaron in the world of Competitive Yo-Yo skills. You are known as Patient#3487AG56 in the Insane Asylum where you live.

I wish i could have dinner with the President of the United States of America.

Comment by Alicia |
2007-03-01 13:11:43

Granted! However, you arrive to the White House and are seated at the dinner table…. only to find that the meal being served is “Roast GWB.”
Mmmmm….. dinner with the president!

I wish that my glasses would be fixed by tomorrow.

Comment by Kurt from Work |
2007-03-01 13:17:46

I know this great optometrist…He can take care of your glasses tomorrow. Too bad once you put them on he changed your prescription.

I wish I had tickets to a taping of Late Night with David Letterman.

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Comment by smcquaid |
2007-03-01 13:26:01

You have tickets! And a horrible freak snowstorm shuts down all transportation, both public and private. You can’t get to the show, and the tickets sit unused on your kitchen table.

I wish comments would nest below this level.

 
Comment by Kurt from Work |
2007-03-01 13:28:13

They Do!!! too bad you can’t view them unless you run Windows Vista Ultimate Edition.

I wish I was a Blue Man.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Comment by Ryan Schenk |
2007-03-01 13:34:25

Congratulations! You are a Blue Man. Unfortunately for you, BluBlocker sunglasses come back in style with a vengeance.

I wish I could sing opera

Comment by mike d. |
2007-03-01 13:46:49

Ryan is suddenly graced with the most beautiful voice on earth and can sing opera like none other… at the same moment the rest of the world goes deaf. Also… Ryan got really ugly. And… he’s deaf too.

I wish Cinnamon Toast Crunch was just as tasty, but considerably more healthful.

 
 
Comment by Dan |
2007-03-01 13:54:54

Granted! Cinnamon Toast Crunch is so healthy that it will actually cure cancer. Unfortunately, Wendell keeps it all for himself.

I wish I was Jack Bauer on 24

Comment by Alicia |
2007-03-01 15:41:01

Granted! But now you live inside your television.
I wish the series “Lost” would have a new AWESOME episode EVERY DAY and that I would have time to fully enjoy each show.

 
Comment by Ben |
2007-03-01 15:42:51

Granted, you are Jack Bauer… but you’re not allowed to use the restroom for 24 hours and you die.

I wish ‘The Final Countdown’ played any time I had to do something difficult like a personal soundtrack that everyone around me could hear.

 
 
Comment by Ryan Schenk |
2007-03-01 16:53:38

However, your play of Europe’s classic tune is unlicensed, and you are sued for everything you’re worth by the RIAA, and hated by thousands of European, blonde-mulleted men. (Yes, The Final Count Down was released on the American label Sony/Epic, thank you very much.)

I wish I had an extensive machine shop at my house.

Comment by mike d. |
2007-03-01 17:01:39

Hey Schenk. Bummer that that sweet machine shop at your house is owned and operated by an international machining firm that won’t allow you access to its highly advanced wicked awesome equipment. Also, bummer that they work 24/7 and keep you up late at night with the sounds of shear cutters and lathes in operation.

By the way, I wish that I had a glass of orange juice right now that I could drink and satisfy my parched throat.

Comment by Ben |
2007-03-01 17:12:52

Fresh squeezed orange juice has just arrived at your desk… pity that it was freshly squeezed by sander’s giant ass.

I wish I could go home from work right now.

Comment by Ryan Schenk |
2007-03-01 17:21:00

You are home. And so are your new upstairs neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Velociraptor. Ooooh, and it sounds like they’re having a domestic dispute!

I wish I never needed to eat again.

 
 
 
 
Comment by ruth |
2007-03-01 17:20:04

wish granted! Only you go to the parking lot to find that your car won’t start. You also find that your cellphone battery is dead and everyone else is gone from the building, which is locked and closed for floor maintanence. You see a public phone in the distance and walk all the way to it to find that it only takes quarters and all you have is a nickel.

I wish I had studied for my midterm this morning.

Comment by Ryan Schenk |
2007-03-01 17:23:12

You did study. You studied so hard, in fact, that you lost track of time, and studied right through the exam!

I wish I had a pair of brass knuckles.

 
Comment by Ben |
2007-03-01 17:23:48

You studied for hours for your midterm… you do great, only to find out later that doing well on it had absolutely no bearing on anything and your time would have been better spent doing practically anything.

I wish I had a friendly pet velociraptor

Comment by Ryan Schenk |
2007-03-01 17:26:04

Unfortunately, the vet didn’t really know how to neuter him. So when company comes over, he’s a little TOO friendly!!

I wish I was really good at card tricks

Comment by ruth |
2007-03-01 17:36:27

You’re fabulous at card tricks, but your only audience is one of professional magicians, who remain unimpressed.

I wish I collected Fiestaware.

Comment by Aaron |
2007-03-01 21:20:34

You have invested a tremendous amount of money and have one of the world’s largest fiestaware collections. It really is a shame that it wasn’t insured, especially since that freak earthquake tore your storage space apart.

I wish I were 10 again.

 
 
 
 
 
Comment by Roland |
2007-03-02 09:52:35

You’re 10 again! Unfortunately you forget everything you’ve learnt since being 10, and so in the process of travelling back in time you caused an inifite loop in the universe. Every time it reaches the 2nd of March 2007 again, you will again wish to be 10, thus rewinding the universe again, and again, and again… The only way to stop the loop is cut the power to the universe and reboot.

I wish I was a real ninja.

Comment by mike d. |
2007-03-02 10:23:21

And with that, Roland becomes a real Kawasaki Ninja.

I wish Natalie Portman read my website.

Comment by Aaron |
2007-03-02 10:31:01

When doing some rudimentary Britney Gallivan related research, Miss Portman stumbles upon your website! She finds it depressingly banal, loses all hope for humanity, and takes a vow of solitude, never to appear on film or television again.

I wish it weren’t raining.

 
 
 
Comment by Sander |
2007-03-02 11:02:08

It’s stops raining!
The weather changes to a bright, warmy sunny day. So warm, in fact, that all skin melts off our bodies. Procreation is impossibly painful and disgusting, and in 75 years the world population is down to you a hanful of really old skinless people who’ve found some shelter in Antarctica, who spend their time teaching penguins to peck your eyes out while you sleep.

I wish I could jump 10 times my body height (and land just as easily).

Comment by Ryan Schenk |
2007-03-02 11:14:53

The first time House of Pain’s “Jump Around” comes on the radio, you get so excited, you break your neck on impact with the ceiling and you are paralyzed from the waist down.

I wish I had superawesome vision, and could zoom in on things like a telephoto lense

Comment by smcquaid |
2007-03-02 12:59:02

Granted. Your vision is adapted to be super powerful and you can zoom in on anything you want with your telephoto-lens-like vision. You use this power to look really close up at the wood grain of a nearby table.

Sadly, you can’t zoom out - ever again.

I wish I had a snowblower.

Comment by Ryan Schenk |
2007-03-02 13:23:27

SMcQuaid, not only do you have a snowblower, you have THIS snowblower! Unfortunately, all those hyrdocarbons being belched out of those 8 headers have a significant impact on global warming, and you never really get a chance to use it.

I wish I had my own personal Moe’s franchise that would follow me around

 
 
 
 
Comment by Drew |
2007-03-02 17:07:57

You now have your own personal Moe’s franchise! Unfortunately you now must hear ‘Welcome to Moes!’ every time you walk through a door… for the rest of your life.

I wish I had a doggie.

Comment by mike d. |
2007-03-02 17:34:00

JonAbad turns into a doggie. You take possession of him, but he’s extremely bitter. Every night he takes a dump in your bed. He also refuses to eat anything that isn’t made to order.

I wish women found me irresistible.

Comment by Roland |