Wish Corruption

Laser Beam. Granted.

It’s actually just a stop & shop checkout scanner though. And it’s mounted with duct tape.

WISH:
I wish I could shoot giant fireballs from my palms.

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*nose wiggle* Wish granted.

However, it is giant candy fireballs that shoot from your palms.

WISH:
I wish I had a jacuzzi in my apartment.

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Granted! Although it comes with Ron Jeremy inside it.

WISH: I could get rid of the giant dent in my car caused by falling snow.

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Granted. But the mechanics are Ian and Sander.

Wish:
I wish that it was May so that FIRST would be over already.

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Granted. However, it’s May in the year 3051. Monkeys have taken over the earth and rule over humans with an iron fist.

Wish: I wish that I won the Powerball lotto.

[Reply]

Granted.

Unfortunately shared winners results in powerball winnings of a mere four cents.

Of which 0.02 has to be mailed to the government as taxes on the winnings. Postage costs 39 cents. And… just like that you’re 37 cents in the red.

WISH: That I could freeze time so that I could be well rested every night.

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giant candy fireballs? well…. it’s not quite what I had been hoping for. But I suppose I could make it work.

Candy Fireballs for Everybody!

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Granted. But you can’t unfreeze time.

I wish I had freshly-baked, tasty chocolate chip cookies in my cubicle right now.

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*nose wiggle* Granted.

Then a squirrel comes into your cubicle and eats them all.

I wish I could hear other people’s thoughts.

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Granted. You are driven insane by hearing everyone in the world’s thoughts all at once.

I wish I was impervious to disease.

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Granted. But now you have to wear one of those jumpsuits like in Outbreak all the time. Looks like you’re never having kids, if y’know what I mean.

I wish that I had a mental lie detector.

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Granted. Sadly, your mental lie detector does not detect verbal lies, only mental ones.

I wish that I had a rad bike.

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Granted. You get a nice new bike, but it is “rad” – it emits thousands of rads, dosing the rider with a fatal dose of gamma radiation.

I wish my car repairs cost me nothing.

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Granted, but you’ll never get the stains or the smell out of the trunk.

I wish that I could be invisible for a day.

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Blam! You’re invisible for a day.
Unfortunately that day is going to occur long after you’re dead, and I doubt the worms will think much of it.

I wish that I was above the law.

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Granted. You now hover approximately an inch over the Constitution at all times, unable to move yourself from the Library of Congress.

I wish I had the NES game “BattleToads”.

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Granted. but no mater how much you blow on it, jimmy it around, or press the reset button you can’t get it to play.

I wish I was independently wealthy

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Done and Done, Too bad your serving a life sentence for dealing drugs to Kindergarten Kids.

I wish I was ambidextrous.

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Kazaam!
You’re ambidextrous. Unfortunately, in the process your hands have been relocated, and are now next to your ears.

I wish I had big metal claws like Wolverine.

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Granted. Unfortunately unlike Wolverine, you do not have super human regeneration, and the first time you unleash your claws, you die from excessive bloodloss.

I wish mike d would do things even more retarded than what he did in the video posted today.

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Poof! You have big metal claws. Unfortunately, you do not have control of their retraction/extension. After seriously maiming many people, you earn yourself a life sentence in prison.

I wish my family lived in the same state, but not in the same town.

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Shamus: granted.
Mike D. does extremely stupid things. But stops recording video, so the world is never in the know.

Aaron: granted.
Both you and your family have moved so that you’re sharing a duplex that sits on the border between two towns. The walls are thin. Your parents disapprove of everything you do. You go to the bottle to make yourself feel better. Your addiction leads to financial instability, your wife leaves you, and you crash your rad bike as you try to drunkenly jump a curb. Your life is in ruins.

WISH:
I wish I had a spaceship.

[Reply]

Its Yours MikeD! It comes with with all options! 6 cupholders, Hot Tub, rock n roll room, Space Dojo, and a journey Album Supression Field.

I wish that I worked in a job that I truly truly loved.

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Journey Album Suppression?!?!?!?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Granted. You absolutely love your job, so much that you can’t bring yourself to leave it, even though they charge you thousands a month for the privilege of working there instead of paying you.

I wish I had a coupon that let me get free fajitas from any restaurant that served them on the menu.

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Today must be your lucky day Shaun! You found a coupon for free fajitas from Any restaraunt that serves them. Fast Forward 2 months…Your cholestorol is through the roof and you’ve put on 500 pounds, getting you close to that dreaded “Sander Weight”, after eating 100 Fajitas a day.

I wish I could talk to animals.

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Granted. You can talk to animals. However, no animals will listen to you.

I wish my typing was both incredibly accurate and incredibly speedy.

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Magically, your typing is both incredibly accurate and speedy. Sadly, your typing exhibits these qualities only in Esperanto on a Dvorak keyboard.

I wish I got free postage.

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The postal service has selected you for their Free Postage for life contest! Unfortunately you don’t have any friends to mail things to…

I wish there was a food that was as tasty as baked beans but as healthy as wheat germ.

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Granted! But that food is actually a living cockroach. Can you get over the fear factor?

I wish that I had EVERY day off and that because of my large amount of free time, I could finally write a book, scrapbook my life, go to the gym everyday, and be stress free….

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Your wishes have been fulfilled!
You write a book, and are sued over its content by angry right-wing conservative mothers, and you now live in a refrigerator box. Your scrapbook came out great, but due to a glue mixup your fingers are now all permanently cemented together. You go to the gym every day, but since you have no money and they see your uni-hands as a safety risk when handling heavy weights, you’re not allowed inside. You’re completely stress-free, despite the fact that due to eating out of dumpsters every day has riddled you with dysentery.

I wish that I could play the piano.

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Your wish is granted!
With you not calling into work when you weren’t coming in, they fired you so now you have EVERY day off. With the lack of income you can’t afford to write a book, so you take scraps and write a sign you sit in front of the gym collecting change from the goodness of strangers all while being stressfree.

I wish I could play a musical instrument.

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Slight side note…I’m slightly sickened that sander and I have come to this very similar conclusion to corrupt this wish…and even more sickened by the fact that we both came up with rediculously close wishes….

Excuse me while I go puke.

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Congratulations! You (both) can play the piano. However, your repertoire is limited to Celine Dion songs. You can play Elton John too, but only backwards.

I wish I never had to shave again.

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1. Right. You’re sickened.
2. They weren’t so similar, really. Poverty was the obvious conclusion.
3. I think you just copied my wish.
4. According to this website, you wear size 500 pants.

that last one is fairly irrelevant, but still halarious

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Congratulations! Now that you’re a mole rat, you don’t have to shave ever again.

I wish I had the power to smack people over the phone.

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Granted. You can smack people through the phone lines. How violent of you! However, the power of the smack decreases exponentially with distance, and anyone beyond arms-length can’t feel the feather-light smacks.

I wish I was excellent at bowling.

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It’s funny that you mention this, because earlier today I changed that link to “Kurt wears size 250 jeans” because of his recent weight loss.

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You’re so good at making bowls, in fact, that an unscrupulous sweatshop owner gets wind, kindnaps you, and replaces his entire workforce with just one smcquaid bowl-o-matic and you spend the rest of your days at the pottery wheel.

I wish I was invicible

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Congratulations! You are now invincible and will be the only human to survive the comet impact next week. You will live out eternity in a desolate wasteland until the universe collapses in on itself in 50 billion years.

I wish I could fly.

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Hey, neat! You can fly! Too bad you can’t land, and you starve to death in the skies, forever circling as an emaciated corpse.

I wish I had today off.

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Way to go! You have today off. But you are rediculously sick. No Atari for you!

I wish Firefly was still on TV.

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Much like that Star Trek series starring Scott Bakula, Firefly is put back in production and is picked up by the Sci Fi network. However, the change of writing staff to old “Blossom” scribes and the introduction of Jenna Von Oy to the cast drastically change the feel of the show. Now it is a little less space-western, and a lot more “teenage girl, her family, and the struggles of growing up in a single-parent household with a wise-cracking grandfather and former drug-addict older brother, while learning life lessons” show.

I wish that it were daylight savings time all the time.

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Congratulations! It’s DST all the time! You had to update your computer though, to patch the date parsers, and now it won’t boot. (True story.) Not that it matters, the increased electrical consumption by all those air conditioners in Southern and Desert climates to compensate for the increased daylight means unpredictable but frequent blackouts.

I wish I had my own key lime tree

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Daylight savings occurs all the time now. We subtract an hour from the time once every second. Before the next 3 days is up, you’re a merely a newborn, and no longer legally allowed to drive or vote or go to R-rated movies. You’re soon killed by a mob of angry former teenagers.

I wish that drinking fountains had a secondary nozzle that dispensed beer.

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Congratulations! Unfortunately, all that beer is horribly, horribly skunked. And because you posted an out-of-band-comment and didn’t reply to mine, do you know where that beer dispensing nozzle goes? That’s right. Beer enema.

I wish I had a really fancy pen.

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There you go! your very own key lime tree…One problem…It also came with a rabid wolverine living at the base….Good luck getting those tasty tasty treats!

I wish that there was a food item that sander wouldn’t eat.

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Look in your pocket protector Ryan! Is that pen fancy enough for you? You know what makes it fancy? It kicks out an awesome scent similar to a skunks stench combined with raw sewage. Fancy!

I wish someone would invent a hovercar.

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Dude! Bill Gates invented a hovercar! But then he heavily patented it, and refuses to produce it commercially, or ever allow anybody else to do so. He won’t even give you a ride.

I wish that instead of a bunch of teeth I just had one long, curvy tooth. You know, so I wouldn’t have to floss.

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Although your long tooth allows you to play a mean guitar solo a-la Jimi Hendrix, you decided to get all gangsta and get a grill. The problem? Those 8lbs of gold and diamonds added to the front of your head gives you severe neck strain, and you are unable to hold your head upright!

I wish I had a jet-powered skateboard

(PS. Kurt, Bill Gates’s hovercar has a maximum carrying capacity of 600lbs, so you couldn’t ride in one even if you wanted to!)

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Doesn’t anyone read the comments? I totally lost weight! I’m down to a size 250 Jeans!

Oh yeah…someone had a wish around here….Jet powered Skateboard I think it was? There ya go! Its a shame it doesn’t have wheels.

I wish I went to Hogwarts!

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You did go to Hogwarts, but they found out you were a muggle. So they made you the night janitor, and cast a spell so that the toilets are always dirty, and one of the ghosts always throws up in the cafeteria.

I wish I had super fast reflexes

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You have super fast reflexes! A fly lands on your nose, you smash it so quickly you snap your own neck, rendering you paralyzed from the waist down.

I wish I had my own tropical paradise.

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You do own your own tropical paradise. Sadly, your vampirism makes exposure to sunlight fatal. A pity.

I wish I had mad yo-yo skills.

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You are known as Mad Dog Aaron in the world of Competitive Yo-Yo skills. You are known as Patient#3487AG56 in the Insane Asylum where you live.

I wish i could have dinner with the President of the United States of America.

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Granted! However, you arrive to the White House and are seated at the dinner table…. only to find that the meal being served is “Roast GWB.”
Mmmmm….. dinner with the president!

I wish that my glasses would be fixed by tomorrow.

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I know this great optometrist…He can take care of your glasses tomorrow. Too bad once you put them on he changed your prescription.

I wish I had tickets to a taping of Late Night with David Letterman.

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You have tickets! And a horrible freak snowstorm shuts down all transportation, both public and private. You can’t get to the show, and the tickets sit unused on your kitchen table.

I wish comments would nest below this level.

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They Do!!! too bad you can’t view them unless you run Windows Vista Ultimate Edition.

I wish I was a Blue Man.

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Congratulations! You are a Blue Man. Unfortunately for you, BluBlocker sunglasses come back in style with a vengeance.

I wish I could sing opera

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Ryan is suddenly graced with the most beautiful voice on earth and can sing opera like none other… at the same moment the rest of the world goes deaf. Also… Ryan got really ugly. And… he’s deaf too.

I wish Cinnamon Toast Crunch was just as tasty, but considerably more healthful.

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Granted! Cinnamon Toast Crunch is so healthy that it will actually cure cancer. Unfortunately, Wendell keeps it all for himself.

I wish I was Jack Bauer on 24

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Granted! But now you live inside your television.
I wish the series “Lost” would have a new AWESOME episode EVERY DAY and that I would have time to fully enjoy each show.

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Granted, you are Jack Bauer… but you’re not allowed to use the restroom for 24 hours and you die.

I wish ‘The Final Countdown’ played any time I had to do something difficult like a personal soundtrack that everyone around me could hear.

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However, your play of Europe’s classic tune is unlicensed, and you are sued for everything you’re worth by the RIAA, and hated by thousands of European, blonde-mulleted men. (Yes, The Final Count Down was released on the American label Sony/Epic, thank you very much.)

I wish I had an extensive machine shop at my house.

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Hey Schenk. Bummer that that sweet machine shop at your house is owned and operated by an international machining firm that won’t allow you access to its highly advanced wicked awesome equipment. Also, bummer that they work 24/7 and keep you up late at night with the sounds of shear cutters and lathes in operation.

By the way, I wish that I had a glass of orange juice right now that I could drink and satisfy my parched throat.

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Fresh squeezed orange juice has just arrived at your desk… pity that it was freshly squeezed by sander’s giant ass.

I wish I could go home from work right now.

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wish granted! Only you go to the parking lot to find that your car won’t start. You also find that your cellphone battery is dead and everyone else is gone from the building, which is locked and closed for floor maintanence. You see a public phone in the distance and walk all the way to it to find that it only takes quarters and all you have is a nickel.

I wish I had studied for my midterm this morning.

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You are home. And so are your new upstairs neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Velociraptor. Ooooh, and it sounds like they’re having a domestic dispute!

I wish I never needed to eat again.

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You did study. You studied so hard, in fact, that you lost track of time, and studied right through the exam!

I wish I had a pair of brass knuckles.

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You studied for hours for your midterm… you do great, only to find out later that doing well on it had absolutely no bearing on anything and your time would have been better spent doing practically anything.

I wish I had a friendly pet velociraptor

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Unfortunately, the vet didn’t really know how to neuter him. So when company comes over, he’s a little TOO friendly!!

I wish I was really good at card tricks

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You’re fabulous at card tricks, but your only audience is one of professional magicians, who remain unimpressed.

I wish I collected Fiestaware.

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You have invested a tremendous amount of money and have one of the world’s largest fiestaware collections. It really is a shame that it wasn’t insured, especially since that freak earthquake tore your storage space apart.

I wish I were 10 again.

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You’re 10 again! Unfortunately you forget everything you’ve learnt since being 10, and so in the process of travelling back in time you caused an inifite loop in the universe. Every time it reaches the 2nd of March 2007 again, you will again wish to be 10, thus rewinding the universe again, and again, and again… The only way to stop the loop is cut the power to the universe and reboot.

I wish I was a real ninja.

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And with that, Roland becomes a real Kawasaki Ninja.

I wish Natalie Portman read my website.

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When doing some rudimentary Britney Gallivan related research, Miss Portman stumbles upon your website! She finds it depressingly banal, loses all hope for humanity, and takes a vow of solitude, never to appear on film or television again.

I wish it weren’t raining.

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It’s stops raining!
The weather changes to a bright, warmy sunny day. So warm, in fact, that all skin melts off our bodies. Procreation is impossibly painful and disgusting, and in 75 years the world population is down to you a hanful of really old skinless people who’ve found some shelter in Antarctica, who spend their time teaching penguins to peck your eyes out while you sleep.

I wish I could jump 10 times my body height (and land just as easily).

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The first time House of Pain’s “Jump Around” comes on the radio, you get so excited, you break your neck on impact with the ceiling and you are paralyzed from the waist down.

I wish I had superawesome vision, and could zoom in on things like a telephoto lense

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Granted. Your vision is adapted to be super powerful and you can zoom in on anything you want with your telephoto-lens-like vision. You use this power to look really close up at the wood grain of a nearby table.

Sadly, you can’t zoom out – ever again.

I wish I had a snowblower.

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SMcQuaid, not only do you have a snowblower, you have THIS snowblower! Unfortunately, all those hyrdocarbons being belched out of those 8 headers have a significant impact on global warming, and you never really get a chance to use it.

I wish I had my own personal Moe’s franchise that would follow me around

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You now have your own personal Moe’s franchise! Unfortunately you now must hear ‘Welcome to Moes!’ every time you walk through a door… for the rest of your life.

I wish I had a doggie.

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JonAbad turns into a doggie. You take possession of him, but he’s extremely bitter. Every night he takes a dump in your bed. He also refuses to eat anything that isn’t made to order.

I wish women found me irresistible.

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Women find you irresistible! ALL women find you irresistible. You now cannot be in the same room as any woman without her jumping on you and tearing you clothes off. ANY woman. I could elaborate but hopefully you get the idea.

I wish I didn’t have to get up really early tomorrow morning.

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The idea of Jon Abad as an extremely bitter dog just kills me. Would he be a chihuahua?

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Granted. You don’t have to get up really early tomorrow morning. You are dead.

I wish I had healing powers.

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of course.

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You can now heal warts. But only by licking them. A huge line of elderly people has formed outside your house crying.. begging for your help.

I wish I could bestow happiness upon others.

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Granted! You can bestow happiness on others. But only by licking them. No one believes in you happiness-granting abilities. This makes you sad. So you lick yourself. You are happy! In fact you are addicted. You spend the rest of the month constantly licking yourself, neglecting your body’s needs, until you die of starvation.

I wish I was a powerful wizard.

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Granted. You are Albus Dumbledore. However, we’re already past page 596.

I wish I could teleport a la The Tomorrow People.

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Granted. you are teleported to 1989 and stuck listening to Ziggy Marley’s Tomorrow People (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conscious_Party)

I wish Boston roads were well designed.

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And like that… poof! Boston Roads remain exactly the same. Every other road in the world however, gets 400 times more convoluted.

I wish:
I could quit my job tomorrow and move to San Diego, California where I could live off vast riches won in the lottery; I would live in peace and tranquil freedom. My physical and mental states would remain the same. I would be in full health, as would my family and friends. I would wake up in the morning to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and my tuned guitar would await me by the unlocked terrace of the mansion in which I lived. I could play the guitar if I wanted to. Each afternoon I would be provided the option of a ride into the mountains where I could rock climb to my hearts delight if I wanted to. My friends and family would remain my friends and family and would be regularly invited to visit. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner would be cooked for me by famous chefs. The dinners would be delicious and I would eat them everyday and enjoy them. This would continue until I was 105 years old at which point I would die in my sleep, happy, after splitting my riches between my kind family and the poor. The world would otherwise stay the same; There would be no journey suppression and JonAbad would not turn into a Dog.

Good luck.

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Granted. However immediately after dying you plunge into Hell where you are tortured with severe physical and emotional pain for all eternity.

I wish I would stop procrastinating.

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Done. You are finished with procrastination forever and now work diligently to accomplish all of your goals with vim and vigor!… but you totally suck at everything and can’t get anything done due to your sheer ineptitude. Keep up the hard work!

I wish someone would corrupt my wish.

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I corrupt your wish! But this also grants your wish just as you had intended, thus destroying the very fabric of this game and RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY.

I wish I could download knowledge and skills into my brain like in The Matrix.

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bummer.

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so much more clever than my attempt.

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You have the capability to download knowledge and skills into your brain. Too bad you don’t have the capacity, and when you perform your first download, the data wraps your address space and overwrites your critical routines that cause you to breathe and the like. So you die.

I wish to have the skills and memory to dominate a chess game.

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Granted. You can play chess exceptionally well, but it’s only the 3D chess game that Kirk and Spock play and no one else knows how to play it.

I wish I was good with grammar and punctuation; so much so that people would bow before me in awe of my use of the semicolon.

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100th comment!

Your wish is granted. People bow before you as you speak and write with perfect grammar and punctuation. Then a piano promptly falls on your head.

I wish I had a nice cold (good) beer to drink at this very minute.

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Voila! The perfect beer, just for you. Crisp flavor, pilsnerish almost, but stronger… hrm, hint of almonds… ?

Nope, cyanide.

I wish that harnessing the sun’s power was easier and cheaper than burning fossil fuel.

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A man named “No One” corrupts your wish!

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Astounding new technology is developed to harness the sun’s energy for virtually no cost at all! Massive orbital solar panels generate energy and beam it down to receiving stations on Earth, where the limitless, free, nonpolluting energy is distributed to the populace. If you’ve played SimCity, you know what happens next… and unfortunately Jesse lives right next to one of the receiving stations.

I wish we could find proof of extraterrestrial intelligence.

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Granted. Proof of extraterrestrial intelligence is hard to deny when the aliens arrive and enslave humanity.

I wish for 8 more wishes to be corrupted in the comments of this post.

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Granted! Inbetween your post and mine were 8 more corruptions, but were summarily deleted by overweight moderator Mike D, as they were all in response to wishes which explicitly nullified his sister’s recent engagement, and contained lusty details reminiscent of a Barry White song.

I wish my workplace employed more female supermodels.

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Granted! Tomorrow you are fired and replaced by a female supermodel who does your job way better than you ever did, and looks good while doing it.

I wish my webpage was as awesome and popular as mikedidonato.com.

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Congratulations! 4 unique visitors (three of which were family members) visited your website today! Your website is now as popular as the famous mike d site!

I wish I could manifest tasty beverages.

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Granted. The American Heritage College Dictionary as well as http://www.dictionary.com define manifest as:

–verb (used with object)
3. to make clear or evident to the eye or the understanding; show plainly: He manifested his approval with a hearty laugh.
4. to prove; put beyond doubt or question: The evidence manifests the guilt of the defendant.
5. to record in a ship’s manifest.

You have the ability to prove, make clear and record the passage of tasty beverages. Pretty lame skill.

I wish it would rain cheez-its.

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Granted, but the universe misheard you cause your fat face was stuffed with cheeze-its, you babbling fool, and you got cheeze nips instead, which are far less tasty and delicious.

I wish I was little bit taller,
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good
I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
and a ’64 Impala

[Reply]

*deep breath*
OK.
- You are now a little bit taller, however this means you keep hitting your head on doorframes and suchlike.
- You are also a professional basketball player (that’s what that means, right? I am not “down with the kids” and their modern slang), but not a very good one, and you are a target of ridicule for opposition teams’ fans.
- You have a girl who looks good, and you do call her, but mainly because she lives on the other side of the world and you never get to meet face to face.
- You have a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a ’64 Impala, unfortunately the hat is a little too big for the rabbit and slips over it’s eyes when it’s driving, causing it to swerve off the road and crash. The rabbit is badly injured (but recovers later in hospital) and the Impala is a write-off. The bat escapes unharmed, but flies off into a forest and is never seen again.

I wish air tickets weren’t so expensive.

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Air tickets drop in price dramatically. The next time they come by on tour, you are able to get front-row seats for just $10. Mostly because they really suck now.

I wish my legs felt better.

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Granted. Your legs feel better. In fact, they feel everything that touches them, down to the smallest breeze. Your new super-sensitive legs can feel anything and everything. Your brain quickly shuts down, overloaded with sensation from your amazing feel-so-good legs, and you are diagnosed as insane and put away for life, where you eventually cut your legs off to end the torture.

I wish I had the ability to consciously control the length of my hair.

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And so you shall. However, you cannot control the width, and for every inch long your hair grows, the fibers also grows an inch wide, crowding in on all the hairs around them, slowly combining with each other until at some non-specific length (well, probably about a foot long) you have just one giant foot-wide fiber sticking straight up out of your head. On the up side, you’d look just like Kid (of Kid n’ Play). Oh, and you don’t have individual control of which area of the body your hair grows, soooooooo… good luck with that.

I wish that my carpool partner wasn’t so damn late today (it’s 6 p.m. and I’m still at work, but I’ve been done “working” for about an hour now).

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lol
Touché, my friend, touché.
(I like Air, damnit!)

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Your carpool partner isn’t late, they’ve just been chatting in the lobby with another co-worker. How funny! What were they chatting about? This strange case of ebola that they’ve just come down with. Have a good drive!

I wish that the ground was dry, or at least not muddy.

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oooh NASTY

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your wish is granted. the ground is now so dry nothing can grow so you starve. well done.

i wish my cat would live as long as my family does but die before the end of the universe but be the way he is now

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Ta Da! Your cat will indeed live as long as your family but die before the end of the universe in the way he is now and with that… the universe ends.

I wish I had an extra week of vacation each year.

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You have an extra week of vacation every year! In fact, you get 52 weeks of vacation every year! Because you got fired!

I wish I was as physically fit as Mike D.

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granted in doing so you die from lack of sleep cos your fitness is all you can think of.
(is there really only 52 weeks in a year???????)

i wish that i could actually cook really good meals and eat them but not get fat

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Granted! You are immediately able to cook really delicious meals and eat them without potential for gaining any weight. Unfortunately, the cost of all the necessary kitchen equipment has put you into a nasty case of bankruptcy. You are unable to afford the ingredients with which to make your delicious meal.

I wish I could heal people by touch.

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Granted! But the maladies of those people you touch get transferred to you! Touch a blind man, now you’re blind! Better not touch a dead guy…

I wish I knew what to get UUIG for Christmas.

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You were walking through the store and had a great idea for a Gift got UUIG, but OH NO!!!! They are all sold out!

I wish for something good to happen to me today.

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Granted! But it was supposed to happen to you tomorrow. Your wish caused a rift in the space-time continuum, and you no longer exist.

I wish I could find the perfect Christmas tree.

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Granted! However the tree is so perfect, it refuses to set foot (or should I say root?) in your house and makes snide comments about your wardrobe.

I wish I had my own home.

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“We’re sorry to let you know that your loved one passed, hopefully you’ll be consoled in knowing that they left you this home in their will…”

I wish I was done with my degrees.

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There are no more degrees left for you, which means that Kevin Bacon is permanently attached to your hip.

I wish my Pearl Izumi running shoes would quit slicing through the laces of my right shoe. Specifically, the uppermost eyelet on the outside of the right foot. Both pairs of PI shoes I wear do this! At volleyball last night, I but in a new shoelace, and by the end of the night, it was already sliced 95% of the way through.

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Granted! Your Pearl Izumi running shoes no longer slice through the laces of your right shoe. They now slice through the laces of your left shoe.

I wish I was in Ireland right now.

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You walk into your local airport, purchase your ticket get on the plane, then take off. You bust out your leprechaun hunting guide after a quick nap, to realize the plane is landing allredy? I must have slept for a few hours you think to yourself.

“Attention Passengers, this is Captain Bob speaking from the flight deck. I’m just here to tell you we have started our decent and to give you a weather update. Its sunny and 60 degrees F. We will be in the terminal in about 45 minutes. We hope you enjoy your stay here in Ireland, Indiana.”

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish the weekends were three days long instead of 2 days.

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Granted . . . although now, the work week is 14 days long!!!!!!!!

I wish my job wasn’t so boring.

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*kazam* Your job is no longer boring, however the excitement of your new job can only be seen by you and years after your company goes out out business you’re still sitting, excited at your desk, doing your ‘exciting’ job with no friends and no life.

I wish Ryan had shown me this crazy thread in February 2007..

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Granted. But you hit your head and developed selective amnesia, causing you to rediscover the thread every month and keep repeating the same wish.

I wish for a cure for Autism.

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No fair. Who wants to corrupt that wish? I’ll try though.

Granted. There is now a cure for Autism, but it is only available to residents of Texas.

I wish I had a year’s supply of Pepsi.

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(nice job! Texas blows!)

Your year’s supply of Pepsi is 1960 and upon arrival at your house is horribly horribly flat.

I wish I were done with all the classes for my graduate degrees

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Congratulations, Mike D.! You are done with all of the classes for your graduate degrees. But you bombed on final exams, and you have to retake them.

I wish DSL Internet was a free service.

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Wish granted. However it now works about as consistently as dial-up. You get what you pay for, after all.

I wish I could get more sleep.

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Wish granted! It’s a shame about your narcolepsy, though, and that you just passed out at the restaurant and your face landed in the middle of that cheesecake.

I wish I were Wonder Woman.

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Wish granted! You are Wonderwoman and now in true Wonderwoman style you can only wear your little skimpy outfit and will never wear an argyle sweater ever again!

I wish Mike D would have chosen a cool rental car.

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In a moment of rebellion, I choose the Chrysler 300 over the mini-van. As I drove from the airport down to the job site in my sweet ride I see AC/DC’s tour bus on the side of the road. I pull over and help angus young change the tire. He notices the calluses on my left hand and asks if I’d like to join them on the tour. I promptly abandon the Chrysler 300 on the side of the road and jump into the bus. We first drive south to Cincinnati and I rock out the intro of Thunderstruck as Brian Johnson dances on stage. It turns out the NFL Cheerleaders had back stage passes and they throw themselves at me as I come off stage. At the afterparty I drink straight from the vodka bottle and do some heroin. In a wild fit of drugs and rock I go to bed with four women and shortly thereafter black out.

I wake up naked in a puddle of my own vomit. It smells terrible in here. I look at my watch and realize it’s Mid-april. I’ve been living the rockstar lifestyle for months. I crawl to a bathroom and look in the mirror. There, across my chest, is a huge My little pony tattoo. Life is awesome.

I stumble out of the hotel room and meet up with Angus for our morning cup of cranberry juice. It’s thursday so I get the band to huddle together for our weekly sweater thursday photo. We’ve all got matching Hello Kitty sweaters. Angus just looks adorable.

We leave the hotel and mosey out to the tour bus which I had redecorated with tinsel. We’re working on a new album today in the studio. I was able to convince the band that it really needs more clarinet. Phil Rudd has been working on his clarinet a lot and he’s really shown improvement. I’m very proud of him. Today’s extra special because after our studio time we’re making an appearance on Oprah with the Jonas Brothers.

As we drive over to the studio discussing Phil’s great clarinet work I see a passerby wearing a t-shirt that says ‘rock is dead’

Rock is dead? Nah. just redecorated.

———-

I wish that 2009 will not require me to come to Ohio.

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Mike D., 2009 will not require you to come to Ohio, because come January 1st, you are STILL THERE!

I wish it didn’t have to be cold to snow.

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Wish granted. You now have to shovel your entire driveway in the middle of July in full sunlight during the heat of the day.

I wish the world was at peace.

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Cheesecake! Yummy! There really is a blessing in everything.

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After a chain of nuclear explosions that entirely wipe out the human race, the world is finally at peace.

I wish I could be in two places at one time.

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Congratulations, you’ve been duplicated. Sadly your other half got all the good stuff and you’re left with only your weaknesses and bad habits. Or…you are able to stand with one foot on either side of the California state line–but then the Big One hits.

I wish I wasn’t constantly disappointing myself.

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Your wish has been granted! You have lowered your expectations so that you only disappoint yourself once in awhile.

I wish there was a reset button that I could hit once a day when things are going wrong.

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Granted.

Things are going swimmingly for exactly 11 days. And then on the 12th day, the thing that is going wrong *is* the reset button, and it starts resetting once a minute, regardless of how well your day is going.

I wish I could have the benefits of regular exercise, without actually exercising.

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Ta-da! You are now ripped. And you have sore muscles all the time. So sore in fact that you find it hard to move at all.

I wish for chocolate.

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*bang*…you get all the chocolate you can stomach…chocolate Ex-Lax…and you’re stuck on the can for three painful days.

I wish I could utilize 95% of my brain.

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Granted, but your brain is the size of a pigeon’s and all you can manage with that stellar 95% is an awkward waddle and a freakishly stable gaze.

I wish that in a pinch (like a video conf. that goes to 8 p.m. instead of 6 p.m.) I could make dinner appear out of thin air…

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Voila! You can make food appear out of thin air…but you can’t eat any of it. The people on the other end of the video conf. are very happy because they’ve never tasted anything so delicious.

I wish my headaches would go away.

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Ah! Finally some time to myself!

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Presto Chango your headaches go away and are now back aches. Ouch!

I wish I had the Delorean from Back to the Future. Not the Plutonium powered one. the Mr Fusion Powered one.

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Congratulations, Kurt! You are now the proud owner of the compost-eating Delorean from Back to the Future II! Too bad you wrecked it on the way back from 2047.

I wish I could control computers with my mind.

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Nothing really changes. You DO control computers with your mind! Impulses from your mind travel down your nervous system to your fingers which them move striking the keys on your keyboard. AMAZING!

I wish MikeD Shaved his head.

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Way to go Kurt! Mike D has shaved his head, but only because he lost a bet that he couldn’t get a lingerie model to go out with him. With any luck, you’ll be invited to the wedding.

I wish snow shoveled itself.

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Granted. But the snow from your yard decides to shovel itself onto your driveway and porch. You’ve now got an emerald jewel of a yard… but you’re trapped in the house!

I wish that tomorrow’s orienteering race wasn’t canceled because of the snow/ice.

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Tomorrow’s orienteering race is back on! Have fun running through the blizzard.

I wish tomorrow was Christmas.

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Tomorrow IS Christmas. And both sides of the family (along with your siblings’ in-laws) are coming to your house. Plus…there will be alcohol involved.

I wish to enjoy my birthday this year.

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I’m impatient so I’m going to corrupt my own wish.

I will enjoy my birthday this year. But it will be the last one i enjoy cause the rest of them are going to suck.

I wish pizza was free.

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Pizza is free! But delivery costs have gone up 1000% and they’ve done away with dining in and takeout.

I wish I had a 1968 Mustang convertible.

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Shazam…you have a shiny new 1968 Mustang matchbox convertible…that you can’t get out of the box.

I wish I was Mr. Incredible…

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Granted! Except THIS Mr. Incredible is the mascot for Mr. Incredible’s Ultimate Dogs, and you must dress up as a giant hot dog and roam the streets of NY singing a jingle and being spat upon by judgmental teenagers.

I wish I could beat Mike D at Scrabble.

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Granted. You beat Mike D at Scrabble. But he beats you at everything else.

I wish my flight doesn’t get canceled so I can make it home for Christmas.

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Your flight does not get cancelled, but you get on the wrong plane and end up in Ohio for Christmas.

I wish I could build my kids the best snow fort ever!

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Granted, but you build it out of yellow snow and your kids want nothing of it.

I wish I could come up with a wish that was impervious to wish corruption.

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Patrick has done the impossible, and come up with a wish that is incorruptible. But he decides to be a nice guy, and not share it, thereby allowing the game to go on.

I wish I could ice skate on the moon.

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Make that “He beats you at everything else AND Scrabble” and it would unfortunately be the truth. I hate losing…

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NASA miraculously gets funding again and decides to send you on a moonwalk with ice skates attached to the bottom of your space suit. On your first attempt to glide across a crater on your blades, you realize you can’t receive traction to change your trajectory in the moon dust, end up crashing into a discarded lunar cruiser car from a previous NASA mission, and NASA abandons you on the moon as a failed experiment like so much other space junk over the years.

I wish I dated a Victoria’s Secret model.

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Really helpful man. I am searching for this information from very long time. Thanks for such a helpful post about snoring.

Deleted as spam by the management.

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I don’t think this person knows how to play the game.

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