DEFY S. McQUAID! Diversion #1: McDonald’s Items of the Past

Gentle Readers:

This week, as the Power behind “Defy S. McQuaid” has dictated, we witness a bit of a diversion from the usual Question/Answer format.

In this installment, S. McQuaid will answer a question posed BY himself TO himself. Prepare yourself.

The Question

Word on the street has it – S. McQuaid used to work at McDonald’s during the Golden Age of the mid-90’s. True? And if so, what items of culinary mastery were created that can no longer be acquired at the local Golden Arches?

The Answer

Yes, it is true. During my tenure at the town McDonald’s, cheeseburgers flew fast and furious. Grill items were prepared with enthusiasm and correctness at blazing speed. The “Black Hole” (the first car I ever owned, a 1985 Chrysler New Yorker, black, and it TALKED) was in full operation. And Sean Connery often answered consumers at the drive-thru speaker. (Note the clever mis-spelling of “Drive Thru” – that’s the way it is spelled on all McDonald’s internal literature).

But none of this bears on the second part of the question – what food items were created?

The proper question is, what food items were NOT created?

Let’s first examine the items that were on the menu at the time, but are no longer available. The first, and most important item, is the Arch Deluxe.

Archie!

A breathtaking arrangement of meat, vegetables, and soft roll, the Arch Deluxe was marketed as the “Grown-up burger”. Definitely one of my favorite burgers to create (and consume), the Arch Deluxe was a masterwork of bacon, spices, meat, and special sauce. I won’t go into the details of the production of this beast, but if you are curious, there is an extensive Wikipedia article available: Arch Deluxe of Power

Also during this time frame, the McDonald’s Fajita was in full swing.

Fajita of Power!

The fajita was fabulous – chewy yet tender, a taste unable to be characterized. And to think, as part of my morning routine, I created over a HUNDRED fajitas in less than 10 minutes. No lie. The fajita came with both Hot and Mild Picante sauce, and, in a series of independent taste tests undertaken several years back by myself and some compatriots, the Mild Picante sauce and a Small Coke were chosen as the Top Ranked Food Items at the local McDonald’s in Worcester. That tells you just how kicking the sauce was. (Details of this taste survey, which covered the main fast food establishments in the Worcester area, may be revealed at a later date).

And how can we forget The McRib?

Rib-Tastic!

A slab of meat, deboned, then processed into a moldable medium, and finally shaped to appear as if it actually had bones. But it didn’t. Soaked in tasty barbeque sauce and served with real onions, the McRib was always a huge seller. And, if you accidentally drop a McRib meat-shape into a fryalator, NOTHING HAPPENS. The McRib is impervious to hot oil, and does not even deign to interact with it. Freaky.

Dozens of culinary masterpieces were birthed in the grill of my local McDonald’s that cannot be found anywhere else. Take, for instance, the PickleBurger. The PickleBurger was requested by a friend and created by the power of planning, execution, and S. McQuaid. The request was for “a Double Quarter Pounder with more pickles than meat”. Some might quail at a request like this. I did not. The PickleBurger was produced, and approved, and consumed over the course of a half hour.

The secret of the PickleBurger is LAYERS. In order to construct the beast, strict layering protocols were followed. For the first time, I am revealing the hidden recipe to you, the gentle reader.

—————> Top Bun (with sesame seeds, of course)
—————> The Intangibles (ketchup and mustard)
—————> Double layer of pickles
—————> Real Onions (the non-dehydrated, natural variety)
—————> Single layer of pickles
—————> One slice Orange Cheese Product
—————> Triple layer of pickles
—————> One all-beef quarter-pound (before cooking) patty
—————> Double layer of pickles
—————> One slice Orange Cheese Product
—————> Triple layer of pickles
—————> One slice Orange Cheese Product
—————> Triple layer of pickles
—————> One all-beef quarter-pound (before cooking) patty
—————> Double layer of pickles
—————> One slice Orange Cheese Product
—————> Triple layer of pickles
—————> One slice Orange Cheese Product
—————> Triple layer of pickles
—————> Bottom Bun

This is just a brief survey of the magnificence that was S. McQuaid in the McDonald’s grill. I certainly hope that you, the gentle reader, are edified and informed, and perhaps even a tear was shed during this stroll down Memory Lane.

13 thoughts on “DEFY S. McQUAID! Diversion #1: McDonald’s Items of the Past

  • 2/28/2006 at 8:06 am
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    Ahhh…..Arch Deluxe. What I would give to have one of those right now. And I beg to differ on the McRib sandwich McQuaid. Every summer in Rochester, NY they have the McRib come back to entice the high school students from East High school. I also recal during my years in the McDonalds warehouse in Rochester ( http://www.goldenstatefoods.com/ ) we would ship frozen McRibs during the late spring and early summer months. A little known fact: McRibs, when frozen, make excellent discus type items when partaking in the “GSF Freezer Olympics”. I excelled in the frozen muffin shotput.

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  • 2/28/2006 at 9:36 am
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    An anecdote: Rosie O’Donnel was involved in filming a commercial for the McRib (Flintstones movie tie-in). During the filming, she was offered a spit bucket, since she had to take a bite of the sandwich in every take. She declined. Reportedly, she consumed the equivalent of 10 McRib sandwiches due to so many takes being needed.

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  • 2/28/2006 at 10:54 am
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    All this talk of sandwich creating strongly reminds me of “The Diesel” that MikeD used to create for the squemish and that TimBaird would eat because he likes a challenge.

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  • 2/28/2006 at 11:59 am
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    The diesel was a lot less pickle and a lot more jalapeno… but yes, I thought the same thing.

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  • 2/28/2006 at 12:27 pm
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    I wish I could have a McRib today…

    I think there’s a similar sandwich available in the frozen food section of the supermarket. I will go investigate and report back.

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  • 2/28/2006 at 1:02 pm
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    in california, the mcrib is back, and the fajitas are still served on a daily basis, just in more clever packaging. i’ve heard rumors that the “big n’ tasty” is a modern incantation of the “arch deluxe”. has anyone investigated this matter?

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  • 2/28/2006 at 3:07 pm
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    Daka still conjurs up a pretty mean McRib-esque sandwich. The meat involved though, is still unknown.

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  • 2/28/2006 at 3:08 pm
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    I think pickles would have been 10x easier on my body. If you recall, I was sick to my stomach for 3 days after the consumption.

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  • 2/28/2006 at 3:10 pm
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    “Wikipedia has a problem
    Sorry! This site is experiencing technical difficulties.”

    The Power Of The Arch has defeated Wikipedia!
    I had McD’s for lunch today (quarter-pounder w/ cheese) and it kind of sucked. I think that’s because the UK versions of American fastfood joints are inherently sucky though.

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  • 2/28/2006 at 8:13 pm
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    While in the Stop and Shop’s frozen foods section, I did find a McRib-like sandwich of formed pork with faux-ribs. It was 7.99 for a package of 6 i think.

    If someone feels adventurous, i’ll join them in a scientific experiment.

    Reply
  • 3/1/2006 at 7:47 pm
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    If you want an even better experiment, try out Gardenburger’s BBQ rib sandwich riblets with faux meat. It is DELICIOUS and can be made in the MICROWAVE!

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  • 3/1/2006 at 11:13 pm
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    The Arch Deluxe was a thing of beauty. One time, a friend and I reverse-engineered the Big Mac special sauce, and we ate so much of it that we both got sick, and I could never stand a Big Mac again without gagging. The Arch Deluxe was my savior! (This was long before I became a veterinarian)

    Reply

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