Can you even fathom the awesomeness of Ryan Schenk’s latest mobile?

This mobile features Charles Bronson wakestyle kiteboarding over an angry ocean. Underwater is a shark with a laser beam attached to its head, fighting a t-rex in snorkeling gear. Placing money on the fight is a barracuda incarnation of Tom Waits, to the backbeat of a mermaid playing Kerry King from Slayer’s flying-v guitar through a stack of Marshalls.

Let’s look at each part in extreme depth.

Charles Bronson Kiteboarding

Ryan Schenk reports:

I made several revisions of Charles Bronson to get him structurally sound enough to support himself from the arms. This is the first revision, which didn’t make it into the finished mobile, but looks pretty good.

You can see his wake boots and his Slingshot Fuel in the background.

The final Chuck Bronson was made out of 4 sheets of cardstock laminated into a curved shape by using a mold inside a vacuum bag.

Appreciate Bronson’s incredible bravado.

The Mermaid

You can feel the crushing crunch of this mermaid’s distortion. Appreciate the guitar, expertly made to mimic the flying-v guitar designed by Kerry King from Slayer.

The Mermaid with her stack of Marshall amps.

My heart is warmed by the thought of underwater distortion.

Laser Head Shark

Simple. Elegant. A shark with a laser attached to his head.

The Barracuda

This raspy voiced barracuda comes equipped with top hat, cigarette, and a stack of money clutched tightly in its confident fin.

Snorkeling T-Rex.

If you thought it was safe to enter the waters, you were wrong. Perhaps the most renowned predator of all times might be lurking beneath the waves in full snorkeling regalia. Be wary.

Great job Ryan Schenk.

On Wednesday, Cape Cod’s tide was particularly high. At one particular beach not far from Ryan Schenk’s workplace, the water advanced so far up the beach that the waves crashed against the tidal wall. As the waves drew back from the wall they would expose a small swath of sand, only to wash over it again after a fleeting moment.

To the women amongst us, this may seem like nothing unusual. To the men? It’s a challenge.

Ryan Schenk recognized the challenge and responded. He tossed a log onto the short-lived beach and watched carefully again and again as the tide washed back and forth. The goal was simple: As the water pulled back, Ryan would leap heroically off the jetty, sprint 10 feet across the sand, scoop up the log in his hands, and vault over the sea wall – all before the persistent waves reclaimed the beach.

Ryan Schenk leaped.

It was a perfectly timed endeavor. His foot landed on the soft sand just as the water retreated from its hold. But Ryan miscalculated the softness of the sand and instead of fearlessly dashing across the receding dry ground and retrieving the prone log, Ryan promptly fell flat on his face. Just as his chest hit the ground, the steadfast wave returned in full regalia and ended the exercise.

Ryan Schenk as he’s falling. The wave on the left is advancing.

Mission failed.

RYAN SCHENK EXPLAINS IT ALL!
Online directions!

When you’re looking for directions online using an online map program, the code running in the background is really intense. There are two steps: Geocoding and Driving Directions generation.

Geocoding is the process of taking a text string, in this case your zip code, and converting that into lat/lon coordinates.

Driving Directions, on the other hand, is the process of taking a lat/lon coordinate, and then, through the use of geomagnetic flux lines, normalized of course for solar storms, constructing a sort of computer model of a divining rod, which when coupled with a probabilistic finite automaton and run through an iterative simulation, can sense the interruptions of qi lifeforce caused by our highway system. Through a virtual meta-dowsing and coupled with a type of dynamic numerology, one can record the Mystical Path and True Will of this automaton’s divinations as it traverses the energy lines of a global-scale chiromancy. This is approximately a O( double exponential ) operation.

The good news is, Google Maps provides API services for driving directions, with geocoding built in!!

And there you have it!

Ryan Schenk Explains it All!

Ryan Schenk got a new sewing machine. Here’s our conversation about this sewing machine.

Ryan: Mike D
Mike D: SCHENK MAN
Ryan: I just sewed through 8 layers of truck tarp and 12 layers of ballistic nylon….without any electical power
Mike D: huh? foot pump action?
Ryan: nope! it has a hand crank for when you need to make sail repairs on your boat
Mike D: snazzy!

Ryan: guess how much my sewing machine weighs
Mike D: 35 pounds.
Ryan: FIFTY
Mike D: Holy moly
Ryan: muahahahahaha! it’s so cooooool

Mike D: THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A BENIGN SEWING DEVICE

Mike D: what was the original purpose for this purchase?
Ryan: extreme awesomeness. Also my current sewing machine just can’t sew what The Schenk wants to sew
Mike D: lol
Ryan: did you ever see the wallet I made out of tyvek?
Mike D: yeah
Ryan: welll… I made a new wallet out of bicycle inner tube. My old sewing machine can’t hack them. The Sailrite will eat them for lunch
Mike D: wow dude

Mike D: What are all those controls on the machine for?
Ryan: the big lever that is vertically oriented is the stitch length adjuster. it has a thumb screw that limits its travel on that curved front plate it is infinitely adjustable between -6 and 6mm. The horizontal lever on the top-right is the stitch width, infinitely adjustable from 0mm (straight) to 5mm (zig-zag) and the lever on the top-left determines the needle position in straight stitch mode. If you have that lever set incorrectly during zigzag mode, the machine will destroy itself.
Mike D: whoa
Ryan: also, in that picture of the drive train, see the black plastic knob with the knurled edge?
Mike D: yeah
Ryan: that’s a CLUTCH that you can set!! hahahaha
Mike D: ha ha ha ha ha
Ryan: although it’s usually either open or closed. I don’t know why you would set it to partial-slip, but you could if you wanted to.

So Awesome!!

I, Ryan Schenk, have just made my final student loan payment.

I will be selling autographed copies of the final payment receipt for $10 (shipping included) for those interested.