Erich Lidstone is a cool guy. He’s also taking his PHD qualifying exam this Friday.

I thought it might be nice if we sent him some fun stuff. Things like brownies, cookies, or those little plastic hands that clap when you wave them back and forth aggressively.

If you’d like to send him something to ease his stressed out mind, here’s his addy!

Erich Lidstone
1511 W Church St.
Champaign IL 61821

Awesome!

Provided everything went according to plan, last night I flew to France.

Prior to my departure, I had the most amazing breakfast ever.

That would be a molten chocolate lava cake and a mocha made with freshly ground Brazilian coffee beans. Luxury, thy name is breakfast.

Wikipedia’s article on stainless steel includes a critical picture of a stainless steel chair in use in Rio de Janeiro.

When you look at that picture, I’m sure the first thing you think about is the importance of series 300 oxidation resistance stainless within marine applications.

Science. It’s everywhere.

The thick, choking stench of tropical fruit gum saturating the breathable air of my coveted window seat approaches the unbearable.

I’m hesitant to write this post, not fully understanding the subtle differences between acceptable Asian cultural nuance and individual idiosyncrasy. I must beg forgiveness if my ignorance offends. But that scent… it’s everywhere.

The gaseous artificial mango napalm is oppressing in its acidity and potency. The airplane’s air jet does little to provide relief and instead stirs the fumes until they are all encompassing.

Our story’s antagonist desperately stretches from her middle-seat over mine to get a better view of the bleach white fog outside the plane. I steal a glance at her, perplexed at what she could find so fascinating about the opaque blanket that is the inside of a cloud.

The irksome smack of her tireless mastication sends me hunting for my earplugs. I’m tempted to stick two additional earplugs into my nostrils. Amazingly, even a barricade of foam does nothing to defend against this woman’s assault on my senses.

My heart soars as she reaches for the air sickness bag. Even the putrid smell and sound of vomit would be a welcome relief from the torturous scent of faux passionfruit and the ear itching sound of her chomping maw. I help her open the perforated seal only to see her spit out a golf ball sized wad of refuse, promptly fishing through her purse to replace the spent fuel with four fresh richly scented new pieces. Her mouth opens fully between each smack, letting the potent gas cascade out over her chapped bottom lip.

Is Karma punishing me for some forgotten crime? Perhaps in some former life I was guilty of a heinous act. Theft is too trivial for this penance. Genocide? Perhaps.

Finally, the eternal two hour trip from Wuhan to Beijing winds to a close and the plane descends towards the runway. Her head still cantilevered over my chair, her gum still pouring out its noxious tropical scent, I ache to escape the plane. The polluted air of Beijing has never sounded so appealing.

Fun fact: The escape velocity needed to leave Earth’s gravity pull is 11.2 km/sec (7 miles/sec). At Earth, the escape velocity needed to leave the solar system is 42.1 km/sec (26 miles/sec). A marathon every second? I find this alarming.

I can’t help but wonder if the Roadrunner from Looney Tunes could escape Earth’s gravity. Can anyone find figures on The Roadrunner’s estimated top speed?

Saturday’s roller derby bout between Connecticut’s Stepford Sabotage and England’s London Brawling would best be hastily placed in the ‘Oh Please Never Again’ archive somewhere between the Ford Pinto and Crystal Pepsi.

In the immortal words of an anonymous source “This is roller derby, not couples-skate!” This was a tough one for Connecticut. In all honesty, the bout didn’t start off that bad and still provided heaps of entertainment for the hundreds of spectators who came out to the Connecticut Sports Center to cheer on their American team… though at times it was admittedly painful. Before we get into the depths of detail, let’s take a quick gander at the lineups.

The Stepford Sabotage!!

      Luciana Pulverotti 110R (Captain)
      Eleanor Bruisevelt 33 (Assistant Captain)
      Black Cherry C-4
      Chelsea Grin 777
      C. Mya Rage 86′d
      Doomcake 13
      Ether Bunny 2KO
      Girl Fawkes 5NOV
      Milla Lowlife 40oz.
      Miz ConsepJen 7
      Murphy’s OUTLAW 15
      Parker Poison 3
      Pearl Jammer GO
      Pepper Grind-Her 10
      Revengela 1-2-3-4
      Violet Riot 911

Connecticut’s competitor took no notice to Eyjafjallajokull’s ash and managed to navigate the pond with plenty of time to spare for this encounter.

London Brawling!

      Kamikaze Kitten 9 (Captain)
      Poison Arrow 85 (Assistant Captain)
      Vagablond 68
      Stef Mainey 13
      Raw Heidi .357
      Axis of Evon 52
      Nuke Leah U98
      The Bexorcist 931
      Fox Sake 04
      Grievous Bodily Charm 1984
      Sky Rocket 17
      Helen Nash 11
      Lola Vulkano 19
      Slice Andice G8
      Ninjette 900
      Ena Flash ICU2

Both teams stormed the track with great gusto. The starting jam had Eleanor Bruisevelt up against Londoner Sky Rockit. The whistles blew and the girls were off! For a moment (actually for three jams), the bout looked like it could be a dramatic give-and-take destined to be an intercontinental legend for ages to come. First, Elle snagged two quick points for CT. In the second, Pearl took advantage of a beautiful block by Miz ConsepJen to pass lead jammer Kamikaze Kitten ending the jam scoreless. In the third, things heated up further as Ninjette gave jammer Vagablonde a chance to pull in 7 points by crushing Doomcake’s drive for lead jammer status. The hits were hard! The crowd was in it! This was Roller Derby!

And then… well, then things went south. Far south. We’re talking Cape Horn south.

At the start of the fourth jam, jammer Milla LowLife was sent out on an inopportune penalty. Typically, when one team’s point-scoring jammer is out of the picture the opposing team will slow the pack down to allow their jammer the best opportunity to bump up the score. As a response to Milla’s exit, London adopted a most peculiar strategy. They didn’t just slow the pack, they STOPPED the pack. Dead stop.

What? I’m sorry, I believe I came for the roller derby, not the stopped derby.

In actuality, this isn’t the first time the stopping strategy has been used. In last year’s Roller Derby nationals, a few teams made it surprisingly far using this method. While not strictly against the rules, it completely changes the pace and feel for the game. To block a speeding jammer from a stopped position requires an entirely different skill set than than trying to out-maneuver a skater at break-neck speeds.

I’m told that the strategy was so controversial that it was brought up in a formal rule review. A vote will soon be going down that could end this strategy once and for all. Keep your fingers crossed*

In this particular case, Connecticut was left completely baffled. The English jammer looped around once, twice, thrice, and… then I stopped counting. Meanwhile the pack fell to shambles. Without the stability that momentum provides, the girls were falling into each other earning unexpected new penalties and bruises. Desperate stagnant dives at jammer Sky Rockit did little to slow her devastating point accrual.

In less than two minutes London Brawling took home 24 points (cue collective groan), Miz and Pearl joined Milla in the penalty box, and my jam notes amounted to a single word written in capitals across the page: GROSS.

Connecticut did not recover. London retrieved the next TEN lead jammer statuses and another 76 points ending the first half: London with a dominating 105, Connecticut with a paltry 7.

Thankfully, Uncle Leon a huge roller derby supporter and the singer songwriter responsible for the Connecticut derby anthem ‘Roller Derby Saved my Soul’ graced the Connecticut crowd with his song during intermission. Whether it was Uncle Leon’s musings, or a strategy revival during the break, the second half proceeded much better than the first.

After Pearl’s speed kept the second jam scoreless, Chelsea Grin helped the girls in Green in the third, taking in 10 points. Things were looking up.

The London girls must be given some credit for a few of their strategies. Perhaps most noteworthy was Kamikaze Kitten’s crafty technique in the 8th jam of the second half. She and Pearl Jammer were fighting hard to secure lead jammer status for their team. Kamikaze got ahead at the last moment, but instead of taking off and securing a few points she slowed dramatically in front of Pearl Jammer, forcing Pearl to do the same. While Pearl struggled to sneak around Kamikaze, another Londoner came up and traded positions with Kamikaze!! Kamikaze took off having pushed Pearl back into a struggle within the pack!! She got four points for her team instead of the 1 or 2 (at best) that she may have scored with Pearl on her tail. Bravo Kamikaze!

Thankfully things ended on an upnote for Connecticut. C. Mya Rage came out in the 9th and ended the drought of lead jammers that challenged Connecticut. Milla, Pearl, and Black Cherry followed with lead jamming status of their own. While the final score said little for the Connecticut revival, those of us there appreciated the difference in quality between the first and second half.

Final score? London 179, Connecticut 50.

Let’s look at the stats!

Lead Scorers:

London Brawling
Ninjette 42 points in 5 jams (4 lead)
Sky Rocket 35 points in 8 jams (3 lead)

Stepford Sabotage
Pearl Jammer 16 points in 10 jams (2 lead)
Milla LowLife 13 points in 8 jams (2 lead)

Penalties
In the recap, I didn’t spend much time talking penalties. This game was a rowdy one. Both teams were letting their tempers flare a bit, so trips to the box were frequent. All too often CT was in a tough spot with two or three of their pack in the penalty box.

Total Penalties
Stepford: 72 minors, 21 majors
Brawling: 42 minors, 18 majors

Penalty queens:
Stepford: Elle, Black Cherry, Chelsea Grin
Brawling: Enaflash, Sky Rockit, Helen Nash

MVPs
London Brawling: Kamikaze Kitten
Stepford Sabotage: Parker Poison

Even with the frustrations, the bout was a lot of fun to watch. The Connecticut team will be playing again on May 8th. We imagine that the next bout against Garden State’s Brick City Bruisers will be even more fun to watch. If you’d like more information, check out the Connecticut Roller Girl website!

*the viewpoints of this blogger are not necessarily indicative of those held by the Connecticut roller girls.

If you, like me, had a pogoball in the late 80′s early 90′s. Check out this video.

Genius.

Zipline bowling.

that is all.