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we pass a sign on the highway that says “gaylord rehab center”

mike d: Would you rather be a gay lord, or a straight peon.
Jesse: By gay lord do you mean homosexual lord? or lord of homosexuals.
mike d: we’ll say both.
Jesse: hmm.

::pause::

Jesse: I think I’d prefer to be the Gay Lord, because then I could make Man dates.

mike d: The house of rock has mice.
Sander: BUMMER.
mike d: yeah.
Sander: Harbor Ave has ants.
mike d: oooh… bummer.
Sander: The difference between mice and ants? There are a LOT more ants.

A few weeks ago my ex-co-worker Pam visited the House of Rock. We caught up and talked a lot about our current jobs.

Pam, it turns out, signed up for her company’s golf group. They leave early one day each week to play golf.

Our conversation went something like this:

Mike D: do you KNOW how to play golf?
Pam: I’m learning!
Mike D: wow, that’s really good.
Pam: I know, and since all of the managers and execs play I get to socialize with them
Mike D: I can’t believe you play golf
Pam: Neither can I!

… pause …

Pam: I have the CUTEST PINK GOLF OUTFIT!!!

she is especially proud of her shoes

a co-worker just told me a story

My daughter went to Taiwan, and while she was strolling with another female friend along the docks (They were both about 21 at the time) a gentleman came up to them and offered to take them on a tour of the whole harbor.

So they went. And at the completion of the tour he brought them almost back to the docks and told them

“okay, that will be 100 U.S. dollars”.
So my daughter said “we’re not paying that!”
and he replied “well, then I don’t let you off the boat!”
“Fine!” she said, “We’ll stay on your boat!” and sat down making herself comfortable.

The guy was completely confused. he didn’t know what to do. Eventually he offered to take 10 dollars. They accepted and he brought them back to the dock.

How perfectly smart!

mike d: uggghhhhh
Sander: What’s wrong buddy?
mike d: well… I just tried to move my desk, and it’s in an awkward spot so I can’t do it very well. So I mostly just kind of moved it in the wrong direction.

::pause::

and… I also dropped my fork so I can’t eat more food.

Sander: Ahhh, there it is. I knew something was really bothering you.

Jesse: You look different when you wear your glasses?
mike d: oh?
Jesse: Yeah. Maybe more pointy?

mike d: So did you bust through the tissue paper wall like a hero?
Jesse: I did. I had my towel over my shoulders and had just gotten out of bed wearing boxers. I opened the door and kind of stepped back surprised at the wrapping paper, then I read your note. I got a determined look in my eye, put the towel around my neck like a cape, held one fist in the air, and charged through the wall. It was great.

Mission Accomplished.

Sander: I was going to go to the gym with you, but instead I’ve decided to eat this ginormeous kielbasa.

at which point he pulled out a kielbasa the size of a small pickup truck.

Awhile ago, Jesse grabbed my attention as I walked past his bedroom at the House of Rock.

Jesse: Hey Mike, do you have a second. (very seriously)
mike d: of course, what’s up?
Jesse: I just wanted to let you know… since we own this house together, if something ever happens to me… you need to know what to do. So it’s really important that you know about this.

At which point he opens his closet.

Jesse: If something bad happens to me, go inside my closet, on the left, behind these clothes

He reaches behind the clothes and pulls out something.

Jesse: And you’ll find my lucky thimble. I just wanted to make sure you knew just where to find it if I die.

Sander: and it’s not entirely unhealthy, it’s got rice and vegetables…
mike d: that’s good.
Sander: is rice a vegetable?
mike d: ha ha, no!
Sander: a grain?
mike d: yes. it’s a grain. “is it a vegetable?” oh man Sander, that’s going right onto the website.
Sander: you’re a jerk!
mike d: no… you’re just hilariously stupid.

JonAbad: by the way, there may be birds living in the garage.
mike d: Birds?!?!
JonAbad: yeah. like little finches.

Last night I was chatting in a chat room with a few Ultimate Bloggers, one of whom was from England (brittanie) another (daniel) was from Australia. Daniel mentioned that it was lunch time over there. I mentioned that it was nearly my bedtime.

Brittanie: It’s Wednesday here too.
mike d: wow, it’s only Tuesday here.
Daniel: It’s March here.
mike d: Whoooa. how’s the future look?
Daniel: it’s good.
Daniel: brb. I have to go check on my hover car.

Now that’s humor.

JonAbad while driving: Mike D’s hair is obstructing my view through the rear view mirror… It’s taking up a whole lane.

Upon returning to my computer the other day I was greeted with this message:

Nicole: Mike D! I have a request from the brotherhood
Nicole: as of late APO has be lacking in Big awesomeness
Nicole: It’s sad
Nicole: so many bigs dont do anything or they make wicked lame binders
Nicole: A certain Nick C. specifically requested you come teach the new bigs this semester how to make binders of amazingness
Nicole: Betsy D confirmed your binder making skills
Nicole: and a wave of hushed conversation swept the room “Mike D the legend?” “can he really be true?”
Nicole: then Ernie who showed up for the meeting stood up
Nicole: and everyone was silenced by his alumni power
Nicole: and his own legendry glowed from within him
Nicole: as he cleared his throat and said
Nicole: “yes, the legend of Mike D is true, as I have seen him. He is both strong and powerful, and could kick batman’s butt any day. We are all not worthy”
Nicole: then a chorus broke into song
Nicole: and a flock of snow white doves … fresh snow, not that yellow kind…. flew in from the windows and suddenly….
Nicole: Ice Ice Baby broke out and there was break dancing and chocolate cake for all!

that’s right. Chocolate cake for all.

Thanks Nicole for the hilarity.

teeth cleaning club exchange

mike d: Ed, I forgot to brush my teeth today
Ed: 50 LASHES!
mike d: I’m sorry
Ed: It’s okay, we’ve made progress this week.

Today during a meeting:

President: And that’s why we need you here Mike. Can you create this graph for us? we need an easy way to visualize what our current product line consists of and in what direction it is going.
mike d: Sure. i can do that.
President: It’s going to be a complicated graph, you may have to use Microsoft Paint.

It’s days like these when I love going to work.

Some say there’s no one cheaper than mike d, to that this blog replies “Nay!”
Scene: Christmas Morning Gift Unwrapping

Dad: “you got me Long Johns!”
Mom: “yes!”
Dad: “does this mean I have to throw out my other Long Johns?”
Mom: “yes!”
DiDonato Children: “are the old ones in bad shape?”
Mom: “they’re torn to pieces. he’s had them since High school.”

The Award for ‘Most Frugal’ goes to Dad DiDonato!

Jesse: Darn it. I wish the battery in my bass wasn’t dead.
mike d: your bass requires a battery?
Jesse: The active pickups need a source of energy to operate.
mike d: well, there’s the 9-volt in the smoke alarm upstairs
Jesse: Good thinking!

overheard:

guy #1: “I had to buy one of those hand’s free headsets for my phone because of the new law.”
guy #2: “oh yeah?”
guy #1: “I love it. now while I’m driving I can talk on the phone and hold my cup of coffee.”

The other day Sander and I, like any typical group of males, were throwing around some hypothetical Mortal Kombat situations, and a question came up about Rayden.

Rayden is, of course, a character in the hit 90’s video game “Mortal Kombat” that was based on the Japanese god of thunder and lightning “Raiden”.

The question was:
Does Rayden’s electricity zap in alternating or direct current?
If your answer to this question is DC, do you think he could zap people in AC if he wanted?

This was of course followed by the question:
Do you think Scorpion would be an expert spear fisherman if he wasn’t an undead hell spawned ninja?

It is only in retrospect that I realize we are extreme dorks.

Yes, the Topsites link is gone. That’s because the link results in a “Account is suspended” announcement and I figured I would spare all readers from having to discover this on their own. As soon as the owner of the Topsites website gets his stuff back in gear the voting will continue.

Sander and I were stopped at a traffic light on the way to work this morning when a kid walked in front of the car.

Sander: Could that kid walk any more awkwardly?
mike d: ha ha. that poor kid, here he is just walking in front of us and we’re making fun of him because he’s fat and walks funny.
Sander: well, maybe we wouldn’t make fun of him if he learned how to walk right and stopped eating so much.

I was chatting with the head of finance and happened to tell him about how the production manager sat me down for a quick how to on accounting so that I could better understand why they were throwing out a certain set of parts.

mike d: “I learned some accounting from Larry today.”
Jim: “oh no. what’d he teach you?”
mike d: “Just general stuff. perhaps I should just leave it at that.”
Jim: “that’s like my saying that I learned electrical engineering from my Bazooka gum comics.”

Mark: Carlos supposedly got the scar on his nose from being hit by a bat.
Jesse: That doesn’t suprise me.
Mark: Yeah, Carlos is a rough character.
Jesse: Though, he seems kind of fluffy. Do you know what I mean?
Mark: yeah, he does seem fluffy. but he’s definitely not fluffy.
Jesse: he’s got fluffy hair.
Mark: he grew up in the hood. he’s not fluffy underneath it all.
Jesse: well, it’s the kind of fluffy hair that you could hide a switchblade in.

2:13 AM

ring.ring.
ring.ring.

ugh… hello?

MIKE D! it’s Sander!

hey Sander… what’s up?

DUDE, I’m here with JACLYN. she wants to mother your CHILD

awesome.

SERIOUSLY. SHE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, LIKE, EVERY MINUTE.

of course she does.

I mean: EVERY MINUTE

i’m sure. I think I’m going to go back to bed now

Were you SLEEPING!?!?

yup.

Alright MIKE D. You Should go back to BED! Maybe in the morning you’ll forgive this DRUNKEN phone call. WOOO!

bye Sander.

LATER MIKE D!