Jen: We really have to do something about that rogue eyebrow hair.
Mike D: Jen. Stop picking my face all the time.
Jen: It’s not all the time, it’s only when your eyebrows are saluting me from your forehead; standing at attention going “heeeeeeeeeeeey!”
Dee-lite’s ‘Groove is in the Heart’ came on the radio at a Cleveland airport eatery. A woman at the neighboring table got really excited:
“oh oh! This is my funeral song!”
Jen: “Orzo is really great. It has all the great qualities of pasta, and you don’t have to chew it.”
One of my coworker friends was coming into work at 7am every day to assist with operations. She was recently informed that her mission was accomplished and she could now start coming in at 8am.
I saw her in the coffee room this morning
Mike D: Good morning
Coworker: Hey Mike D. How are you?
Mike D: I’m pretty tired. I don’t do well with sleep changes.
Coworker: I hear ya. I’ve been getting way too much sleep
Mike D: what?
Coworker: I don’t have to be here at 7 anymore
Mike D: but the time just changed. So… 8 o’clock is the new 7. nothing’s changed for you.
Coworker: But now it’s brighter in the morning.
Mike D: What? but it’s not brighter. It’s the same as it was. The clock has just changed. What time did you get up before?
Coworker: 5am. And now I get up at 6:20
Mike D: With the time change that’s only 20 minutes difference.
Coworker: Really, I’m just complaining because the sun is rising earlier. I like it dark when I sleep.
Mike D: I am completely confused.
Coworker: Also, it’s a full moon.
Mike D: But… it’s not even a full moon that was last week.
Coworker: … but it’s light out…
I have no words.
Mike D: “Dad, quick! something’s burning! I smell something burning! SOME THING IS BURNING!”
Dad D: “yeah, I just started a fire.”
It’s 9pm on a Sunday. I call Mom D. to catch up.
ring… ring… ring… ring…
Mom D: (distracted) hello?
Mike D: (thinking I may have woken Mom D up.) Hey Mom, it’s Mike!
Mom D: Oh, Hi Mike! I’m on a steamboat.
Coworker: “I’ve got a chocolate granola bar if you’d like it?”
Mike D (enthusiastically): “Oh my goodness yes. This is exactly what I needed.”
Coworker: “did you not have lunch? I have some extra food if you’d like?”
Mike D: “Oh? No no. I had lunch. Actually it was a pretty huge lunch. I just really needed some chocolate.”
Coworker: “I understand. Chocolate at the end of a meal is like a modern day cigarette.”
My sister Theresa is always willing to set her pride aside and take one for the team by visiting websites like People.com to update the family on important gossip that might come up at your local water cooler. This was today’s conversation:
Theresa: Hugh Hefner is engaged
Mom D: Wow, how old is his wife-to-be?
Mom D: Mike D, that’s your problem. These 80 year olds are stealing up all the eligible women.
Thanks Hugh. Thanks for reducing the global supply of singles within my age range.