Shaun McQuaid says:
Let’s play a game. It’s called “wish corruption”. It goes something like this…
I make a wish. For example:
“I wish I had fries with my lunch.”
The next person grants the wish, but corrupts it.
“Granted, but the fries are 2 weeks old.”
I think this could easily break the highest comment count, if we do it right…
I’ll start.
I wish I had a laser beam mounted on my car.
Voila! The perfect beer, just for you. Crisp flavor, pilsnerish almost, but stronger… hrm, hint of almonds… ?
Nope, cyanide.
I wish that harnessing the sun’s power was easier and cheaper than burning fossil fuel.
A man named “No One” corrupts your wish!
Astounding new technology is developed to harness the sun’s energy for virtually no cost at all! Massive orbital solar panels generate energy and beam it down to receiving stations on Earth, where the limitless, free, nonpolluting energy is distributed to the populace. If you’ve played SimCity, you know what happens next… and unfortunately Jesse lives right next to one of the receiving stations.
I wish we could find proof of extraterrestrial intelligence.
Granted. Proof of extraterrestrial intelligence is hard to deny when the aliens arrive and enslave humanity.
I wish for 8 more wishes to be corrupted in the comments of this post.
Granted! Inbetween your post and mine were 8 more corruptions, but were summarily deleted by overweight moderator Mike D, as they were all in response to wishes which explicitly nullified his sister’s recent engagement, and contained lusty details reminiscent of a Barry White song.
I wish my workplace employed more female supermodels.
Granted! Tomorrow you are fired and replaced by a female supermodel who does your job way better than you ever did, and looks good while doing it.
I wish my webpage was as awesome and popular as mikedidonato.com.
Congratulations! 4 unique visitors (three of which were family members) visited your website today! Your website is now as popular as the famous mike d site!
I wish I could manifest tasty beverages.
Granted. The American Heritage College Dictionary as well as http://www.dictionary.com define manifest as:
–verb (used with object)
3. to make clear or evident to the eye or the understanding; show plainly: He manifested his approval with a hearty laugh.
4. to prove; put beyond doubt or question: The evidence manifests the guilt of the defendant.
5. to record in a ship’s manifest.
You have the ability to prove, make clear and record the passage of tasty beverages. Pretty lame skill.
I wish it would rain cheez-its.
Granted, but the universe misheard you cause your fat face was stuffed with cheeze-its, you babbling fool, and you got cheeze nips instead, which are far less tasty and delicious.
I wish I was little bit taller,
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good
I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
and a ’64 Impala
*deep breath*
OK.
– You are now a little bit taller, however this means you keep hitting your head on doorframes and suchlike.
– You are also a professional basketball player (that’s what that means, right? I am not “down with the kids” and their modern slang), but not a very good one, and you are a target of ridicule for opposition teams’ fans.
– You have a girl who looks good, and you do call her, but mainly because she lives on the other side of the world and you never get to meet face to face.
– You have a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a ’64 Impala, unfortunately the hat is a little too big for the rabbit and slips over it’s eyes when it’s driving, causing it to swerve off the road and crash. The rabbit is badly injured (but recovers later in hospital) and the Impala is a write-off. The bat escapes unharmed, but flies off into a forest and is never seen again.
I wish air tickets weren’t so expensive.
Air tickets drop in price dramatically. The next time they come by on tour, you are able to get front-row seats for just $10. Mostly because they really suck now.
I wish my legs felt better.
Granted. Your legs feel better. In fact, they feel everything that touches them, down to the smallest breeze. Your new super-sensitive legs can feel anything and everything. Your brain quickly shuts down, overloaded with sensation from your amazing feel-so-good legs, and you are diagnosed as insane and put away for life, where you eventually cut your legs off to end the torture.
I wish I had the ability to consciously control the length of my hair.
And so you shall. However, you cannot control the width, and for every inch long your hair grows, the fibers also grows an inch wide, crowding in on all the hairs around them, slowly combining with each other until at some non-specific length (well, probably about a foot long) you have just one giant foot-wide fiber sticking straight up out of your head. On the up side, you’d look just like Kid (of Kid n’ Play). Oh, and you don’t have individual control of which area of the body your hair grows, soooooooo… good luck with that.
I wish that my carpool partner wasn’t so damn late today (it’s 6 p.m. and I’m still at work, but I’ve been done “working” for about an hour now).
lol
Touché, my friend, touché.
(I like Air, damnit!)
Your carpool partner isn’t late, they’ve just been chatting in the lobby with another co-worker. How funny! What were they chatting about? This strange case of ebola that they’ve just come down with. Have a good drive!
I wish that the ground was dry, or at least not muddy.
oooh NASTY
your wish is granted. the ground is now so dry nothing can grow so you starve. well done.
i wish my cat would live as long as my family does but die before the end of the universe but be the way he is now
Ta Da! Your cat will indeed live as long as your family but die before the end of the universe in the way he is now and with that… the universe ends.
I wish I had an extra week of vacation each year.
You have an extra week of vacation every year! In fact, you get 52 weeks of vacation every year! Because you got fired!
I wish I was as physically fit as Mike D.
granted in doing so you die from lack of sleep cos your fitness is all you can think of.
(is there really only 52 weeks in a year???????)
i wish that i could actually cook really good meals and eat them but not get fat
Granted! You are immediately able to cook really delicious meals and eat them without potential for gaining any weight. Unfortunately, the cost of all the necessary kitchen equipment has put you into a nasty case of bankruptcy. You are unable to afford the ingredients with which to make your delicious meal.
I wish I could heal people by touch.
Granted! But the maladies of those people you touch get transferred to you! Touch a blind man, now you’re blind! Better not touch a dead guy…
I wish I knew what to get UUIG for Christmas.
You were walking through the store and had a great idea for a Gift got UUIG, but OH NO!!!! They are all sold out!
I wish for something good to happen to me today.
Granted! But it was supposed to happen to you tomorrow. Your wish caused a rift in the space-time continuum, and you no longer exist.
I wish I could find the perfect Christmas tree.
Granted! However the tree is so perfect, it refuses to set foot (or should I say root?) in your house and makes snide comments about your wardrobe.
I wish I had my own home.
“We’re sorry to let you know that your loved one passed, hopefully you’ll be consoled in knowing that they left you this home in their will…”
I wish I was done with my degrees.
There are no more degrees left for you, which means that Kevin Bacon is permanently attached to your hip.
I wish my Pearl Izumi running shoes would quit slicing through the laces of my right shoe. Specifically, the uppermost eyelet on the outside of the right foot. Both pairs of PI shoes I wear do this! At volleyball last night, I but in a new shoelace, and by the end of the night, it was already sliced 95% of the way through.
Granted! Your Pearl Izumi running shoes no longer slice through the laces of your right shoe. They now slice through the laces of your left shoe.
I wish I was in Ireland right now.
You walk into your local airport, purchase your ticket get on the plane, then take off. You bust out your leprechaun hunting guide after a quick nap, to realize the plane is landing allredy? I must have slept for a few hours you think to yourself.
“Attention Passengers, this is Captain Bob speaking from the flight deck. I’m just here to tell you we have started our decent and to give you a weather update. Its sunny and 60 degrees F. We will be in the terminal in about 45 minutes. We hope you enjoy your stay here in Ireland, Indiana.”
NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish the weekends were three days long instead of 2 days.
Granted . . . although now, the work week is 14 days long!!!!!!!!
I wish my job wasn’t so boring.
*kazam* Your job is no longer boring, however the excitement of your new job can only be seen by you and years after your company goes out out business you’re still sitting, excited at your desk, doing your ‘exciting’ job with no friends and no life.
I wish Ryan had shown me this crazy thread in February 2007..
Granted. But you hit your head and developed selective amnesia, causing you to rediscover the thread every month and keep repeating the same wish.
I wish for a cure for Autism.
No fair. Who wants to corrupt that wish? I’ll try though.
Granted. There is now a cure for Autism, but it is only available to residents of Texas.
I wish I had a year’s supply of Pepsi.
(nice job! Texas blows!)
Your year’s supply of Pepsi is 1960 and upon arrival at your house is horribly horribly flat.
I wish I were done with all the classes for my graduate degrees
Congratulations, Mike D.! You are done with all of the classes for your graduate degrees. But you bombed on final exams, and you have to retake them.
I wish DSL Internet was a free service.
Wish granted. However it now works about as consistently as dial-up. You get what you pay for, after all.
I wish I could get more sleep.
Wish granted! It’s a shame about your narcolepsy, though, and that you just passed out at the restaurant and your face landed in the middle of that cheesecake.
I wish I were Wonder Woman.
Wish granted! You are Wonderwoman and now in true Wonderwoman style you can only wear your little skimpy outfit and will never wear an argyle sweater ever again!
I wish Mike D would have chosen a cool rental car.
In a moment of rebellion, I choose the Chrysler 300 over the mini-van. As I drove from the airport down to the job site in my sweet ride I see AC/DC’s tour bus on the side of the road. I pull over and help angus young change the tire. He notices the calluses on my left hand and asks if I’d like to join them on the tour. I promptly abandon the Chrysler 300 on the side of the road and jump into the bus. We first drive south to Cincinnati and I rock out the intro of Thunderstruck as Brian Johnson dances on stage. It turns out the NFL Cheerleaders had back stage passes and they throw themselves at me as I come off stage. At the afterparty I drink straight from the vodka bottle and do some heroin. In a wild fit of drugs and rock I go to bed with four women and shortly thereafter black out.
I wake up naked in a puddle of my own vomit. It smells terrible in here. I look at my watch and realize it’s Mid-april. I’ve been living the rockstar lifestyle for months. I crawl to a bathroom and look in the mirror. There, across my chest, is a huge My little pony tattoo. Life is awesome.
I stumble out of the hotel room and meet up with Angus for our morning cup of cranberry juice. It’s thursday so I get the band to huddle together for our weekly sweater thursday photo. We’ve all got matching Hello Kitty sweaters. Angus just looks adorable.
We leave the hotel and mosey out to the tour bus which I had redecorated with tinsel. We’re working on a new album today in the studio. I was able to convince the band that it really needs more clarinet. Phil Rudd has been working on his clarinet a lot and he’s really shown improvement. I’m very proud of him. Today’s extra special because after our studio time we’re making an appearance on Oprah with the Jonas Brothers.
As we drive over to the studio discussing Phil’s great clarinet work I see a passerby wearing a t-shirt that says ‘rock is dead’
Rock is dead? Nah. just redecorated.
———-
I wish that 2009 will not require me to come to Ohio.
Mike D., 2009 will not require you to come to Ohio, because come January 1st, you are STILL THERE!
I wish it didn’t have to be cold to snow.
Wish granted. You now have to shovel your entire driveway in the middle of July in full sunlight during the heat of the day.
I wish the world was at peace.
Cheesecake! Yummy! There really is a blessing in everything.
After a chain of nuclear explosions that entirely wipe out the human race, the world is finally at peace.
I wish I could be in two places at one time.
Congratulations, you’ve been duplicated. Sadly your other half got all the good stuff and you’re left with only your weaknesses and bad habits. Or…you are able to stand with one foot on either side of the California state line–but then the Big One hits.
I wish I wasn’t constantly disappointing myself.
Your wish has been granted! You have lowered your expectations so that you only disappoint yourself once in awhile.
I wish there was a reset button that I could hit once a day when things are going wrong.
Granted.
Things are going swimmingly for exactly 11 days. And then on the 12th day, the thing that is going wrong *is* the reset button, and it starts resetting once a minute, regardless of how well your day is going.
I wish I could have the benefits of regular exercise, without actually exercising.
Ta-da! You are now ripped. And you have sore muscles all the time. So sore in fact that you find it hard to move at all.
I wish for chocolate.
*bang*…you get all the chocolate you can stomach…chocolate Ex-Lax…and you’re stuck on the can for three painful days.
I wish I could utilize 95% of my brain.
Granted, but your brain is the size of a pigeon’s and all you can manage with that stellar 95% is an awkward waddle and a freakishly stable gaze.
I wish that in a pinch (like a video conf. that goes to 8 p.m. instead of 6 p.m.) I could make dinner appear out of thin air…
Voila! You can make food appear out of thin air…but you can’t eat any of it. The people on the other end of the video conf. are very happy because they’ve never tasted anything so delicious.
I wish my headaches would go away.