For some time now, you’ve been reading about the misadventures of Sander on this site. The phantom co-worker, often the butt of jokes and often denied even the right to post comments.

Well, I have a confession to make.

Sander = Mike D.

No lie. I’ve been living a double life.

Basically, whenever anything embarrassing happened to me (like getting kicked off the plane for being too fat) or I felt the need to say something inappropriate on the site, I’ve been logging in with my alter ego, the dreaded Sander. Just like Tony Clifton to Andy Kaufman (allegedly, at least), when I feel the need to be crass, or to tell a story about something embarrassing, BANG! I’m Sander.

Really, a person with the same name as a power tool? Sounds like something I’d invent, doesn’t it?

I was originally planning to never reveal this fact, but certain incidents in my life have led towards complete honesty. I think “Sander” will continue to appear from time to time, and perhaps the world will forget this little note…and maybe “Sander” will live on as an independent Mike D. regular!

Jesse: Dude, you clogged the toilet again.
Me: Did I?
Jesse: It’s like the 10th time in the last two months. What do you do in there?
Me: The same thing everyone does in the bathroom…what do YOU do in there?
Jesse: Shave….things.

Today I made a visit to the Meriden Taco Bell on E. Main St. The craving for that ultimate food, the Chalupa, had grown too strong to resist!

Despite the fact that I planned to purchase only a token taco and nachos in order to quench the hunger gnawing at me, I grew weak. The sights, the smells…they all combined into one overwhelming need. I could feel my body calling for it. The food I had denied it for so long, yet craved above all others - the CHALUPA!

That modern wonder, the chalupa. Golden fried goodness for a shell, nacho cheese, beef, cheddar, lettuce…nothing can top it. For a while I was slave to the Supreme Chalupa, and, just when I thought I had kicked the habit, they introduced the Nacho Cheese version. This culinary delight was too much to resist.

I ate 3 of them. Plus nachos and a huge Mountain Dew.

Did you know that Albanian goats generally have two legs that are shorter than those on the other side of the animal? It comes from always walking around the mountain one way.

I’ve decided to buy a tractor. Not today, but in a few months, once I’ve saved up enough dough, John Deere and I will cement our relationship.

I picked up the phone at the House of Rock the other day and it was a telemarketer. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello?
Dude: Mr. Lawrence?
Me: No, there’s no one by that name here.
Dude: Oh, sorry.
Me. No problem, fatty.

HA HA HA!

Last night, I saw the new Natalie Portman movie - “V for Vendetta”.

BEST MOVIE EVER!

And I’m not just talking about the acting, or the plot, or even the extreme hotness of both Natalie and the dude in the mask. I walked out of that theater enlightened and wanting to be even half as bold and willing to change as Natalie’s character.

Then it hit me. I COULD be.
I had to take action. Something wild, something out-there, something unexpected.

What do you think?

I figured that if Natalie can do it, so can I. Plus, it’s been so long since the last haircut….and this way, I won’t have to get it cut again anytime soon. Unless I leave it this way - which I must admit is a possibility. I feel so light and free! No more worrying about how perfect my hair is - caution is thrown to the winds! Just like a kitchen floor, my head is now “Mop and Glow”.

(I had a good feeling about this as soon as I saw the name of the barber shop. Can’t beat “Mike deLuse”!)

Last night I had an awesome dream.

I was attending the season opener for the New England Patriots. For some reason they were starting their season on the lawn of the Sydney Opera House. This was perfectly normal in the dream, but I do remember thinking how lucky I had been to find cheap airline tickets.

I was wandering through the crowd, trying to find my seat, when I suddenly saw this amazingly hot girl. She was stunning! Medium height, brunette with red highlights, and perfect, pouty lips. I wanted to go and introduce myself - but I didn’t know what to say.

Suddenly, in a cartoon-ish sort of way, an angel popped up on one shoulder, and a devil on the other. I hoped they were going to give me advice on how to strike up a conversation with the girl.

The angel leaned close and suddenly I realized it was Jon Abad!
“Give her your iPod and she’ll love you forever…” he said.

I was stunned! Should I do it? Should I surrender my snazzy, brand new iPod to this unknown girl in hopes of winning her affection?

The devil on the other shoulder leaned in for a word. It was KURT!
“Give her a wedgie and she’ll love you forever…” he said.

A wedgie? Really? I found myself seriously considering the idea. Maybe she was fun-loving and would actually appreciate the humor in a stranger giving her a wedgie.

I made up my mind. I walked over to the girl, and directly in front of her, I gave my iPod a wedgie. Boy did it scream! (The iPod was wearing stylish plain boxers).

I think we started a conversation about my antics, but I woke up soon afterwards and the details slipped away. Here’s to unusual ways of mistreating your iPod!