JON ABAD

A list originated on Joe Havelick’s site about 6 months ago.

In honor of Jon’s return to the north east, I have revived this list. I encourage all of you to participate in adding your own facts about Jon Abad in the comments section.

Here is the revived list. Quoted from Joe Havelick

-Jon Abad was born in Venezuela of Columbian parents. Having spend part of his life in Massachusetts and now living in Texas, he officially averages out to be Mexican.
-Jon Abad is free from most bacterial and viral infections.
-Jon Abad does not absorb any water through his skin, thus making him 100% waterproof.
-Jon Abad once created a drink that was 210 proof, blacked out and can no longer remember the recipe.
-Jon Abad can recite pi to the 314th decimal place without blinking.
-Jon Abad never slept in the first 7 years of his life.
-Jon Abad once completely coated my car with bumper stickers, so that not an inch of paint was showing, while I was at a red light, without me noticing.
-Jon Abad funds the entire SNAP program through investing in small environmentalt firms and then providing free consulting to help the companies generate profits.
-Jon Abad has done karaoke in all 50 United States and most of the territories.
-Jon Abad once saved a baby from a burning building using nothing more than positive thinking.
-Jon Abad has two belly buttons.
-Jon Abad is due credit for the success of the 80’s band Devo.
-Jon Abad designed a car that runs off of old tires and cell phones with zero emmisions. This design was purchased by a Mister Stephen Hawking in good faith of it being produced. Later that day, Jon Abad found that Stephen Hawking owned stock in 9 out of 11 of the major oil companies and destroyed all record of the plans. After finding out, Jon Abad crippled him, but spared his life so he could live in his own shame.
-Jon Abad’s appendix is cryogenicly frozen in case he needs it back some day.
-Jon Abad’s other car is a fire engine.
-Jon Abad once dated the lead singer of Blonde, but left her because of her “selfish inhibitions.”
-Jon Abad’s brother played Tatu in the final season of Fantasy Island which never aired.
-Jon Abad holds the land speed record for fastest man to travel from NY to LA on a razor scooter.
-Jon Abad donated all of his bone marrow and one lung to a woman in need with no medical insurance or family.
-Jon Abad has seen the future, and worries that scientist are spending too much time mucking around with global warming to notice the giant godzilla creature that will rise out of the Pacific Ocean near Tokyo in 2005.
-Jon Abad admits that his one flaw is his inability to love another person more than any other, for fear of the second getting jealous.
-Jon Abad can draw a map of the world, with all political boundaries by memory on a bowling ball while playing a perfect 300 game in under 45 minutes.
-Jon Abad once sent me a Christmas card, and not having sent one to him, I decided to only way to return the gesture was to write an entry about him in my weblog.
-Jon Abad owns everything in the 2004 Ikea catalog, and most of the shots were taken from his personal home in South Carolina.
-Jon Abad is the only person known to have won at The Sims 2.
-Jon Abad has mascott costumes for any animal you can imagine. He wears a different one to work once a year, on July 8th.
-Jon Abad worried greatly when his left ring finger fell off untill he discovered that there was just another one growing in behind it that had pushed it off.
-Jon Abad used to play in the band Van Halen until they forced him out because he was “too good.”

Welcome to the house of rock Jon Abad.

38 comments on “JON ABAD”

  1. mike d. Reply

    -Jon Abad is the real father of Julia Robert’s two children. But he did not name them.
    -Jon Abad’s ability to see the future started when he first obtained the two mystical orbs from the arcade for 250 tickets each.
    -Jon Abad is genetically superior to the rest of humanity in that he does not produce body oder
    -Jon Abad has all the lyrics to the mission impossible theme commited to memory in 9 different languages
    -Jon Abad was the original inspiration for the lead character in the movie ‘forrest gump’ but the director decided he wanted the lead character slightly mentally handicapped, so he looked to Kurt for more inspiration.
    -Jon Abad once built a functional jetski out of popsicle sticks, but it was destroyed by Julia Robert’s husband in a fit of jealousy

  2. ben/muffin man Reply

    -Jon Abad can consume your soul with a single glance, he just chooses not to.
    -Jon Abad cannot turn water to wine, but he has turned many a box of whine back to water.
    -Jon Abad made a fortune on junk bonds in the 80s, but spent it all to fund the movie The Core.
    -Jon Abad never does drugs, but if you lick his skin you will hallucinate for hours.
    -Jon Abad lives by his own rules, plays by his own rules, and kills for his own rules.
    -Jon Abad can skydive without a parachute, he simply wills himself to slow down.
    -Jon Abad is Mexican, but he hates enchiladas.

  3. Kurt from Work Reply

    -If you listen to Jon Abad talk backwards you can discover that Paul really isn’t dead.
    -Jon Abad is really a Transformer, who can turn into a trendy PDA.
    -Jon Abad is the Fourth Wise man.

  4. smcquaid Reply

    – Jon Abad is responsible for the term “Bad” meaning “Good” in the 80’s. It started out that “Abad” meaning good, but the term was corrupted by those who were jealous of Jon Abad.

  5. Roland Reply

    – “Jon Abad” pronounced backwards is “Jesus Christ”.

    – Jon Abad inspired a popular anime TV show in Japan called Super Extreme Jon Abad Monster Death Squad, but it was cancelled when Jon sued for breach of copyright.

    – Jon Abad won the 1993 presidential election in Argentina, dispite never having visited the country or even knowing he was one of the candidates.

    – Due to an administrative error in 1989, Jon Abad was officially classified by the US government as a Class IV Biological Weapon.

    – Jon Abad has above-average reflexes, and can kick your ass at Halo on the Xbox.

  6. mike d. Reply

    -Jon Abad is known by the Worcester Mafia as “Uncle Ricky” and is infamous for collecting overdue debts with the help of an A1 Abrams Tank
    -Jon Abad was the real reason Brad and Jen broke up
    -Jon Abad is so skilled with a computer that he successfully downloaded gold from Fort Knox
    -Natalie Portman brags that she once met Jon Abad.
    -Jon Abad’s gravitational pull controls the tides far more efficiently than the moon.

  7. smcquaid Reply

    – Al Gore may have invented the Internet, but Jon Abad invented Al Gore.

  8. Kurt from work Reply

    -If applied frequesntly Jon Abad acan cure most skin conditions, and leaves you with a wonderful golden tan.
    -Jon Abad can create his own nutritional supplement.
    -Dr. Emmit Brown got that bruise on his head for stealing the design for the flux capacitor from Jon Abad. Jon Abad found out then had Dr. Brown “slip and hit his head”.
    -E.T. didn’t really phone home, he called Jon Abad.
    -“Pump up the Volume” was based on Jon Abad’s childhood.

  9. Roland Reply

    – Instead of connecting to the internet with a computer, Jon Abad just shouts “ONE” and “ZERO” into the ethernet socket.

  10. ben/muffin man Reply

    – Jon does not require sleep or food, he doesn’t even need to breathe, he just does it to make us all feel a little better about ourselves.

    – Jon invented the iPod.

  11. mike d. Reply

    -Jon Abad drinks a pint of tabasco sauce to start his day.
    -Jon Abad bicycled to the top of Mt. Everest
    -At the age of 3 months, Jon Abad stuck a fork into an electrical socket, since that day he has never lost to Raiden when playing Mortal Kombat single player
    -Jon Abad solves Soduku puzzles in Hexidecimal

  12. Timmy Reply

    -Jon Abad can make the water in his toilet spiral either clockwise or counter-clockwise at will.

  13. Timmy Reply

    Throughout reading all of this, does anyone else feel that Jon Abad has reached Bill Brasky status?
    (mike..EARMUFFS! *contains swears*)

    READ HERE

  14. Kurt from work with Brandon Reply

    -Jon Abad is a metaphor for a simile.
    -God ignored Jon Abad’s advice to invent Tacos on the 7th day.
    -Jon Abad once drew a triangle with 190 degrees.
    -Jon Abad has 3 degrees of seperation from Kevin Bacon.
    (Jon Abad -> Lewis Black -> David Alan Grier -> Kevin Bacon)

  15. Kurt from work with Brandon Reply

    i sure hope you didn’t type that in.

  16. mike d. Reply

    -If you touch Jon Abad’s shadow, your sins will be forgiven.
    -Jon Abad found the lost sea scrolls
    -Jon Abad can forge weld strips of steel by squeezing them between his thighs
    -Each year Jon Abad does all the electrical wiring for the Christmas Tree in Times Square

  17. Aaron Reply

    – Jon Abad medaled in 7 different events (including handball) at the 1972 Olympics in Munich, years before his documented birth.
    – Jon Abad has fixed a Ford Taurus using dental floss, JB Weld, and his love for mankind.
    – When planting tulip bulbs, instead of digging a small hole, Jon Abad just punches the ground.
    – The folk tales of Paul Bunyan were originally based on the travels of Jon Abad. The tremendous height and giant blue ox elements were added by jealous loggers in Oregon.
    – Jon Abad had a pet grizzly bear, but eventually gave it away. The reason? “It was a sissy.”
    – Chuck Norris avoids making eye contact with Jon Abad, lest it provoke another “Reno incident”.
    – Jon Abad vehemently denies any involvement with the Tunguska explosion of 1908 in Siberia.
    – Dinosaurs were massive beasts that rulled the earth for millions of years. They aren’t around any more, but Jon Abad is. Coincidence?

  18. Timmy Reply

    -Prior to Jon Abad moving next door to him, Mr. Rogers used to refer to his neighborhood as “ugly”.

  19. Sander Reply

    -For an elementary school project, Jon Abad created Pauly Shore.
    -With his dark skin and small stature, Jon Abad was personally responsible for clearing 90% of enemy tunnels in Vietnam.
    -Jon Abad is on the other end of the president’s red telephone.
    -Jon Abad invented pogs.
    -Jon Abad provides nuclear missile launch codes to at least 3 countries.

  20. Timmy Reply

    -Jon Abad is the reason why you can’t wear white after Labor Day.
    -Jon Abad is responsible for crop circles.
    -When Jon Abad becomes President, his first order of business will be to make it illegal for old ladies to give out stale popcorn in ziplock bags to trick-or-treaters.

  21. Joey Reply

    – Jon Abad generates a strong magnetic field which will demagnetize your credit or debit cards if you get too close
    – Jon Abad can break an Unbreakable comb
    – Jon Abad is offended by the term “paper clip” and prefers “dead tree holder togetherer”
    – Jon Abad is spell check
    – Six Flags borrowed one of Jon Abad’s roller coasters back in 1999 and never returned it
    – Jon Abad once created a computer simulation of the universe to predict the future. Two days later, he destroyed it and disavowed all knowledge of it and has been a Southern Baptist ever since.
    – Jon Abad jogs 200 miles per day at a pace of 5 MPH
    – Jon Abad doesn’t require haircuts or regular grooming.
    – Jon Abad taught Bo
    – Jon Abad turned his love of taxidermy into a competative contest in the 1986 olympics
    – Nobody knows how to read Jon Abad’s autobiography
    – Jon Abad is an active member of 3 Rotary Clubs
    – Jon Abad is available in desktop or mobile formats

  22. Roland Reply

    – Jon Abad generates a strong magnetic field which will demagnetize your credit or debit cards if you get too close
    He can, however, also be used as a rudimentary compass (a useful tip in case you become stranded in the wilderness but have a Jon Abad to hand).

  23. Aaron Reply

    Jon Abad has vorpal hands, and thus decapitates on any attack where he rolls a natural 20.

  24. mike d. Reply

    – Jon Abad’s DNA is a Triple Helix.
    – On the molecular level, Jon Abad’s muscle fibers have an eerie resemblence to Kevlar
    – Jon Abad tortures lost data out of his computers by putting bagels in the CD tray
    – Jon Abad was born in Atlantis
    – Jon Abad adds scorpion venom to his screwdrivers because it ‘gives them some kick’
    – Jon Abad always wins tic-tac-toe
    – Stevie Wonder wrote the bass line to “higher ground” based on Jon Abad’s Heartbeat.

  25. Jon Abad Reply

    I am Jon Abad from bask country . Your name and mine are issued from Vizcaya ;
    if you want to know your story or your story’s name write to me . I am more fluent in french or spanish la,guages

    Agur

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