I was hesitant when JonAbad started spreading the news about Adagio Teas and how by mentioning them on his blog he would get free delicious. But then it happened. He DID get free delicious.

So, here’s my review of Adagio.

I am more interested in the health benefits of tea than the general taste. I’ve heard that green tea is really good for you. I think people often ask the question “could tea bring me miracle strength and flexibility?”

apparently they can.

Perhaps not miracle strength. But bone strength anyway. And actually, I don’t think it will improve flexibility much. However, it does say it drops cholesterol. and I appreciate that. When Tim and I went to London we had tea nearly everyday, but that was British tea. Totally different. I’m excited to try IngenuiTEA, because it also looks different. no offense to my office, but the Lipton tea provided here doesn’t taste all that great.

and WHOA, when you order a catalog they send you a CD full of music. I assure you, I will order said catalog and review the music upon its arrival.

Hello, internets! My name is Alicia, and I am Mike’s sister. I have been in hiding for far too long. But in the time since I have last posted, I have seen many a movie, including, but not limited to: Closer, The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou, Hotel Rwanda, Talk To Her, and Sideways.

Before I endeavor to review one of the above movies, I would like to retract my fiery and hasty quoting of the Plymouth Acclaim. I apologize to my esteemed colleague Kurt. Kurt, let us indeed share the marathon task of reviewing movies, shows, cookie recipes, restaurants, and other sundries, such as My Incredibly Unproductive Monday.* I offer an olive branch to you, Kurt — we can call this section of the blog “Fatty and Alicia’s Movie Reviews.” What do you think?

OK. Today I’d like to review “Closer”, since it stars one of my brother’s favorite actresses, Natalie Portman, whose real name is Natalie Hershlag. Yup. That’s her real name. And according to imdb, she is sometimes credited as “Natalie Domini”. I’ve never been a big fan of Portman-Hershlag-Domini since I saw the Star Wars prequels — George Lucas couldn’t have asked her to act so blandly, could he have? And “Where The Heart Is” was not the Oscar-worthy tearjerker I had never thought it would be. However, “Garden State” changed my mind about her (although I was very nervous about her wallpaper-paste acting during the scene in which she first appears, foisting The Shins upon unsuspecting ER patients). She proved to be adorable, and since Zach Braff is *endlessly* adorable, I was adorabled out of my mind and fell in love and moved to LA to be with Zach and we’re getting married!

Actually, that didn’t happen. But I loved the movie, and became a slight Portman admirer. And Braff lover. Um, I mean “fan”. “Closer” has Portman playing a harsher character than those she’s previously portrayed. She’s a member of an ensemble cast comprising Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, and Jude Law, and she won a Golden Globe for her performance. If you’re curious how she could have possibly beaten out Meryl Streep and Virginia Madsen, rest assured that I feel the same way. As Kayser said, “Every fourth line went flat!” And in the beginning of the movie, I felt she was simply reprising her “Garden State” character — quirky, cute, man-hypnotizing, and jealousy-inducing to certain movie reviewers**. Perhaps this was intentional; I could see it as the director’s way to initially disguise the painfully avoidant life Alice, her character, actually leads. The director, by the way, is Mike Nichols, who did “The Graduate” a number of years ago. Interestingly, “The Graduate” became quite a successful play, and “Closer” was originally a stage production. Clive Owen, who plays Larry, was a member of the stage cast; he was fantastic, believable, and probably the only (albeit slightly) sympathetic character in the movie. The others — MAN! At one point Kayser asked me if I wanted to leave as I sunk into the depths of my seat — the emotional trauma between the four extremely selfish, manipulative, hurting and hurtful characters was a lot to stomach. But I stuck it out!! I’m tough like that. I suppose it was worth it — it’s a great movie: well acted, well written, with beautiful people. But I have refrained from recommending it to my friends, unless they’re the cynical type who really want to be depressed about relationships and the fact that Jude Law is NOT ACTUALLY CUTE EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE MAGAZINE SEEMS TO THINK HE IS.***

In any case, Julia Roberts was also excellent, and again, she’s not an actress of whom I’ve been extremely fond. She even looked lovely with blond hair, and she pulled off a slew of obscenities with such conviction that I’m convinced she has the mouth of a trucker at home. Watch out, Hazel and Phinneauoueus. Phieneuaus, Phyneais. Whatever.

In conclusion? Great movie. Thumbs up to direction, filming, screenplay, Clive Owen, Julia Roberts, Jude Law’s voice (not face), 3/4 of Natalie, and all of Zach Braff. Would I say, “Go out and see this with all your friends!!”? No. It’s pretty harsh. Here’s when you should see this movie: it’s incredibly sunny out, you and all your friends are in fantastic relationships, you’ve just had a Red Bull, and you’ve won the lottery, even if it’s just $5 on a scratch ticket. That way, while you’re watching human relations dissolve in adulterous and pathological acid, you can say, “No worries! I’m WIRED and I have 5 bucks and I’m going to the beach with Zach Braff after this!!!”

*(M.I.U.M was so unproductive that I am actually writing this at 1:30 AM on Tuesday. In case you’re interested, M.I.U.M involved surfing the internet mindlessly, baking some good cookies, reading out loud from Harper’s to some friends, watching half of Days of Our Lives, putting a box on top of a cabinet, and making lists of things to do on Tuesday.)

**Only some. Not me.

*** I would like to direct the staff at People to Zach Braff if they’re looking for cute. Seriously, check these photos out:

exhibit 1: jude law

exhibit 2: zach braff

No contest. Zach Braff = proof of God’s devotion to women.

I had another weird dream last night.

I was out for a run in the early morning before work when I decided to stop in at the local Worcester art museum. So I strolled up, and walked inside. A blonde bombshell ran up to me and said “Mike D! welcome, we know you like the art scene so feel free to come with me” I replied “how did you know that?” and she said “we know. You and Jill really enjoyed the exhibits last new years eve at the museum when you went to the star room.”

I thought it was strange that this strange girl knew a strange amount about my museum going experience but I continued on with her anyway. We went through a few exhibits, and then I saw a flight of stairs so I escaped my blonde guide and ran up the stairs. They led to a huge ball room.
“funny, I don’t remember the worcester art museum having a ball room” I thought to myself.
Suddenly I heard footsteps behind me. I turned around and there was a curly haired brunette there.
“mike d. you shouldn’t run off like that”
“sorry, it’s getting late. I should probably get my bike* and go”
“nonsense. it’s snowing”
and so it was. Snow storming is more like it. There were three feet on the ground and I couldn’t budge my silver bicycle. So the brunette took me back to the blonde and the plot thickened. I soon learned that the two girls were sisters, and that they both were deeply in love with me. But I turned them away commenting on how much I adore Jill**.

We went through the rest of the museum and as I was leaving I realized it was well after 5pm, and I had COMPLETELY missed the day at work. In all my frustration I started running out the door when my high school physics teacher stopped me.

“Mr Mongeau!” I gasped, “what are you doing here?”
“dad?” said the two sisters
“Mr Mongeau is your dad?” I said confused
“of course!” Mr. Mongeau replied, “you’ve never met my daughters before?”

And that pretty much ended the dream.

*at the time I didn’t question the fact that I had Run to the museum, not biked.

**this is true. and Jill, I should be awarded endlessly for my faithfulness even in the subconcious